Leaving the nest

Well, it's been a long long time since I've written a blog entry.  Needless to say, a lot has happened.  I'll backtrack later.  But for now, I just want to reflect in the peace and quiet while everyone else is sound asleep.  Despite the drama that inherently caused us to make the decision to move suddenly from FI's Mom's house to my Mom's house, 30 miles away from anything and everything in our daily lives because we need to escape but still can't afford to live on our own...I know in my heart that this is going to be good for us.  It may be difficult on all of us, some more than others.  It may be completely insane to just up and move in the matter of one weekend.  But I feel like I'll finally get the peace I've been missing, and hopefully it will give us the push we've been needing to get our shit together and finally grow up.

Insomnia

I've had the worst sleep all week. Knots in my stomach & restless, then weird random dreams. During the day I'm totally unmotivated and spend most of my time daydreaming. I assume its anxiety, but for what? Excitement now that we're finally engaged and already talking about dates and venues after only a few days? Am I just adjusting to DD (who is now 5) finally sleeping in her own bed starting this week? Then tonight I failed to attend a very important webinar for my home business. So I feel awful that I flaked out and let down my friend who worked so hard to be on that call with her mentor. I'm drinking tension tamer tea now. But I can't get the songs from Frozen out of my head. They just keep getting louder. I think tomorrow I need to workout to relieve some of this tension and get back on track.


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Your Turn to Go Get Her

Are you kidding me? These are the moments that I just cannot understand; this is why I make fun of you to my friends saying "he calls me after an hour of being alone with the baby, asking when I'm going to be home."

I've been working all morning on a scholarship essay and trying to get ahold of admissions at the 2 colleges I'm pursuing and when I go upstairs to ask BF is he can go pick up DD for me while I return a call to one of the admissions advisors instead of me going to pick her up, he gives me a grumpy face and gets all flustered. So I ask what's wrong and he gets all whiny saying "I really don't want to! I just wanna chill and do nothing right now. I don't even want her here." Really?? That's how you feel? I'm with her 24-7 and hardly ever get a break and now when I have something important to do, you're going to be a bitch about it? I could tell he realized what he was doing and so he says, "Alright, I'll go...dammit." I tried to just tell him to forget about it and then he got all huffy again and said, "now I feel bad. I love our daughter, I really do!"

I just could not grasp his attitude whatsoever. I didn't even know what to say.

Period Letdown

Is it wrong that I get secretly excited when my period is late? Or that I'm actually kind of disappointed when my period does get here? I guess part of me would love to have another baby even if it's not the right time. It must be that primal instinct to carry on the species that pushes us to do things we know weren't entirely pleasant the first time around. To reproduce even when we can't fully handle the child we have now. Or maybe it's just the fact that I can't justify the PMS symptoms I get. Nausea, mood swings, fatigue, back pain, etc...are just not necessary every month! When will they figure out a way to skip all those things? They probably have for all I know, but I'm not really into birth control so I guess I'll never know.


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Spending Spree Anxiety

Overall, I've been feeling really good lately. But now I'm starting to get anxiety. There's just way too much going on right now. We've been living here 2 years and made no plan or progress toward getting out. I saved some money over the winter but as soon as Spring came, I started spending like crazy. I just keep finding things I need or want. I tried to be smart about it by looking at garage sales every week, but I just end up buying more crap when I can't find what I really want. Then I get fed up with trying to be frugal and live within my means. So, I go out & spend more money and try to justify it because I got it at an outlet or discount store. Today I spent $200 on sheets & a quilt because the comforter we got last year is too hot in the Summer. I just wanted a quilt, but of course I couldn't buy that without the rest to match. A lot of this comes from the fact that 4th of July is in 2 weeks and we're having people over. So of course, being the hostess that I am, I'm feeling rushed to get the house & yard in order before the party. All the things we've put off for so long, we're now just throwing money at to get them done. What's worse is that MIL just lost her job, so now we she has to file for unemployment, which means the fact that I'm on it comes up way more often. She's asking me questions about it and I get paranoid and anxious thinking about what she and her parents might be saying about the whole situation. And her parents are the ones we were going to be asking for money to get the yard done, but now they have to help her. So they're suggesting she clear out some space to store her brothers crap instead of him keeping it in a storage locker because they'd rather see the money go to her than the storage unit. I don't see why any of them think that's going to work. We have no space & she's already a hoarder!

TBC...


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Blame it all on your parents

I'm reading "What to Expect; the Toddler Years" and there's a section on how much praise to give a child. It says, "some believe that constantly telling a child they're the best can turn out a paralyzed perfectionist who is so afraid of not being able to live up to overblown parental expectations that they stop trying."

Hmm...I wonder if that's where some of my perfectionism anxiety comes from.

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We Only Watch Kids Movies Now

Seeing BF try so hard to enjoy watching Finding Neverland, a movie you really have to pay attention to, with our wound up toddler running around, making noise and pausing it each time she interrupts us gives me major anxiety. I don't know why he isn't able to accept the fact that we have to sacrifice a lot of things we want to do for the sake of DD. It's been that way for 2 years now. Sure, I get upset about it too, but what else are we going to do?

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