8 and 1/2 months already!

I can't believe I'm 8 and 1/2 months pregnant. Its crazy! I expected to be as big as a house by now. I'm pretty big but its all belly and I still feel cute. Of course these last 6 weeks or so could be icing on the cake since they say you gain the most weight at the end of your pregnancy. But so far I feel good and I'm excited to meet the baby. I am getting kind of nervous and anxious though. Its hard to keep my mind occupied now that I have so much free time...that's due to getting laid off a week and 1/2 ago. Yeah, I know... who lays off a pregnant lady when they're 8 months pregnant?! Everyone has the same reaction when I tell them, "Oh my God, that's terrible! What are you going to do?" But I'm actually relieved to be gone from there. I've been miserable at my job for quite some time and have wanted to find something new but just didn't have the time or confidence to do it. Then when I got pregnant I felt so stuck because I needed the steady income and the insurance and thought, "who's going to hire someone who can't function at their best because their pregnancy is interfering with their performance, and then has to take maternity leave shortly after being hired? It's just not going to happen." So, obviously I can't start looking for a new job right away because those same things apply...who's going to hire a girl who is about to have a baby? But since my lay off came with a pretty sweet going away package, I'm lucky enough to have these next couple months as a paid vacation so-to-speak. I get to relax at home for the rest of my 3rd trimester and then I have as long as I want to spend with the baby once she arrives (or at least a couple months before I need to be bringing in more income).

Now my only problem is trying to keep myself busy so I don't go crazy with anxiety or get depressed and sleep all the time. I spent my first week of not working by getting up early every day, getting dressed and actually wearing makeup for a change, and then going shopping. Its kind of funny... who gets laid off and goes shopping? I guess that's just all I could think of to keep me busy. Plus I really needed some new clothes and shoes since I've either worn out or grown out of most of mine, and the mall walking was good for me. ....but what am I going to do for the rest of my unemployment? Better find something more productive--and less costly--to do instead.

I Hate People!

WTF? Why do people always think they should give their 2 cents on everything? Its so annoying. As if I haven't had a hard enough time trying to decide what to do about our living situation. We finally decide that we're going to stay where BF lives, in his mom's house, until we're ready to move out on our own. I'm really nervous about the whole thing and about having to be there all day and night with his mom for 8 weeks during my maternity leave. I don't think I'm going to be comfortable at all. And now I've got people at work telling me I should stay with my mom for at least 2 weeks, giving me a guilt trip about "how's your mom going to feel? That's her first grandchild and she won't get to be with you during your recovery?" I feel like I'm going to cry. Seriously, I have so many things to think about and I get anxiety almost every day about something. Of course I want to be with my mom, but we're trying to get situated. I don't think moving into BFs house and then staying at my mom's house for 2 weeks will do me any good. Besides, what about BFs feelings? He wants to be with me every second of the day and I know damn well he won't want to stay at my mom's house with me for 2 weeks... so wtf?! Arggg... I hate people!!!

On A Valentine Cloud

I'm am on a cloud today! I have been so cheerful all day, even talkative here at work. I baked brownies for BF last night and decided while I'm at it I'll bake cupcakes for work, too. So, I had a couple of those today and I'm feeling quite adorable with my pregnant belly. Then just before lunch today I received a dozen and 1/2 roses delivered to my work with a card from BF that read,

"My Love, no flowers or words could express the feelings, passion, and impact you've made in my life. It may be lame, but your tryly my everything (remember, lame is what made me fall in love with you in the first place). Hope you have a lovely day."

Ahh... its good to be loved. And its great to be feeling this good while pregnant!

House Pest

I don't know if its the hormones or what but lately I am so annoyed by other people's habits. This is one of the main reasons I hate living at home. I can't stand walking around the house and noticing the way other people live. It just drives me crazy. My mom's husband in particular is the most annoying person to live with. He has to be around 60 years old and he sits there watching stupid TV shows or playing Play Station with the volume all the way up like you're in a damn movie theater, paying no mind to the fact that there are people in the kitchen that might be trying to have a conversation. Its a video game... do you really need to hear the gun shot sound effects at full volume?! And the other day he's watching TV which is obviously too loud because my mom and I are trying to talk and we both keep wincing toward the family room (which is connected to the kitchen with no wall in between). You would think that she would say something since she obviously thinks its too loud, too. But no, she just keeps talking and wincing. What the hell, woman? Check your man!! He is so fricken rude!

That's only the beginning of it. He sits in the family room watching TV every night after he gets home from work, waiting for my mom to make dinner and bring it to him in front of the TV. You can see the TV from the kitchen table, why doesn't she insist that he eat at the table with her? Arrrg! I could really go on and on about all the things I hate about him. But its just going to make me mad, so I'm stopping there.

Baby Brain

I think I'm getting that "baby brain" thing where the pregnancy affects your thought processes and memory. I know it was affecting me a lot during the first trimester but then I felt like it got better. Now I'm starting to feel it again. I remember at my last job, my friend was pregnant and she'd be super tired and unmotivated to work. Then another girl here at this job was pregnant at one point and she was making tons of mistakes. I've heard that the pregnancy can make you forgetful and make it hard to focus. What am I supposed to do about it though? I'm doing the best I can and then they call me out on mistakes and simple but important things that slip my mind. It's probably just another strike against me in the eyes of my employer. I can't wait to have this baby and find a new job.

Same Thing Different Pile

I am so bored at work that I'm trying to find anything to do to keep me busy. I've asked the other girls in the department if they have stuff for me to do and they have nothing. So, after being told in my review that I spend too much time on the internet, I end up back online to pass the time. Well, what else am I going to do, read a book?

I decided to update some of my other blogs and take a look at old posts. Well, that just led me back to my previous career interests in becoming a Wedding Planner, an Art Teacher, etc. I was so into those things at the time. I did the research, looked at schools, started planning... and then gave up. So, now I'm thinking that I'll never get anywhere because I always just come up with fantastic ideas that dead end shortly after. What's my problem? Why can't I just find my calling? There are so many things I could see myself doing, why can't I just pick one? Maybe I subconsiously sabottage myself. I can't get up enough confidence to actually take an idea and run with it. I've gotten partially there before. The wedding planning dream lasted a little while. I studied books on my own and everything. Then I go and call off my wedding and there goes all my dreams for making a career out of the thing that interests me most. I just feel like such a failure. I feel like the older I get, the less ambition I have and pretty soon I'm just going to end up giving up on everything and just working a stupid dead end job like the rest of these losers.

Sweet Brainstorming Again

So, the first of the year brings the desire to get things accomplished. I've been trying not to think too much about what I want to do with my life since I have so many other immediate things to worry about and when I do start to think about finding a career, it usually just upsets me. However, BF and I talked a little the other day and once again the idea came up of me owning my own bake shop. So, since our talk, that's all I can think about. Of all the things I've wanted to be this one hasn't been the most prominent but it still makes just as much sense as the others. I can see myself really getting into it. It combines my love of baking and art perfectly. I think I'm going to do a little research and see what I'd have to do to get into the business. I'm scared though...like I am with every career option I come up with. I have no experience, I'd probably have to go to school, I'd have to take a serious pay cut to get experience, what would people think of me randomly changing direction again? I guess its not like I'm really changing direction since all the other things were just ideas too.