Morning Sickness

Ugghhhhhhh... I have been extremely sick for the last week. Now I'm back to work and everyone's asking me questions and joking around calling me prego (not knowing I really am). I just want to go home. The last thing I want when I'm feeling like this is to be the center of attention. I just want to sink into my desk unnoticed but it seems like everywhere I go someone has to ask me how I'm feeling, what the doctor said, did they give me anything for my "flu".... its so exhausting. I know that being here is just aggravating my nausea even more but I don't know what else to do... should I stay home longer? I'm out of vacation & sick days so I won't get paid for any days I miss. Should I just stick it out here and have everyone around me commenting and asking me questions all the time? It seems like a lose-lose situation. At this rate I'll never be able to hide it until the first trimester is over. They're all in my grill!

Egg Salad and Anxiety

I'm into egg salad lately... its weird, for some reason I equate egg salad with pregnant women. When I was working at my last job, several years ago, one of the girls there would eat egg salad on a bagel for breakfast. I'd watch her walk past me every morning and after a while I got suspicious. I thought, "who in the world eats that for breakfast? Especially every day! Sounds like a pregnant craving to me..." Then a light bulb went off... "I bet she is!" So, lo and behold, I've been eating that very same breakfast, but on whole grain bread instead.

Its been 4 days since I found out and already I'm anxious to tell people, anxious to go to my first OB exam, anxious to find out all the things I'll need to know. But, in the back of my head I'm thinking "don't get ahead of yourself!! You don't know anything for sure. What if the doctor says it was a false alarm? (doubtful!) What if I have complications and it doesn't even last to the third month to the point where I can tell people. What if I jump into everything and it only jinxes me?" I guess that's all part of the anxiety, too, though.

BF is so wonderful... he started his new job this week (finally employed after SO long), and he said all he thinks about is me and the good thing he's doing for us by taking this job. I feel so bad for him though. Its a warehouse job and it is insanely physically demanding. I was shocked when I finally got a chance to see him this morning. He is literally covered in dirt and cuts, scrapes, & bruises from head to toe! He has to climb up and down pallets of inventory all day pulling orders, then throwing them to the other guys, or he'll be on the other end catching cases of glass bottles being thrown at him from above. And that's only the beginning of it! He told me, "its slave labor!" ...but its a Union job, so the pay is outstanding and they have excellent benefits. I only hope that he won't get stuck in this job because of our situation. He has so many hopes and dreams for himself. I'd hate to see them all shot down because we didn't have a chance to plan ahead.

....I think we'll be ok.

What if Plan B Doesn't Work?

For some reason I haven’t been blogging too much lately. I started an entry not too long ago but lost my train of thought and gave up. I saved it to draft, then read it again about 10 minutes ago and decided to publish it now. I’m sure it has everything to do with the fact that I no longer have my own computer with internet access at home, and my increased busy workdays have left little time for my usual internet antics…not to mention the depression and fatigue I’ve been dealing with for weeks. On top of that, I’ve been sort of sick to my stomach, my ta-tas are ginormous, and I feel bloated like I have to poop all the time… Wait. Let me back track for a minute.

19 days ago BF and I had an evening where we were doing the most simple, common activities but for some reason we were insanely in tune with each other. We were helping a friend plan & promote a huge party. I had been solicited to design the flyers and BF had come to my work after hours to proof them. We stayed at the office for 4 hours that night until 9:00pm, but worked so beautifully together that it made me lightheaded afterwards. I couldn’t believe how well we were able to communicate and work together toward a goal. It felt so good to accomplish something with such a perfect partner! I stayed at his house that night because its considerably closer to my work than home is and I’d get more sleep that way…or so I thought. I can’t even describe what happened later except to say that it was surprising, but I wasn’t at all worried. I was happy to be with him, to experience a first with him, and that’s all that mattered. The next day I went to the Pharmacy bought Plan B and took it as directed, and figuring that everything would be normal.

Now…given the previously mentioned factors, it became obvious once my 26-28 day period due date came…and passed, that everything may not be normal after all. I took 2 tests; both came up with double pink lines. It was more than obvious that the “nausea, abdominal pain, fatigue, headache, changes in your period, dizziness, and breast tenderness” which had all been listed word for word as side effects of Plan B, could instead be more than I’d expected. So… it looks like I’m... we’re in for some surprises over the next 9 months. I heard that you should do that because miscarriage is so common, that you don’t want to be telling everyone and then have to tell them all the bad news as well. So, we’ve agreed to wait 3 months before telling anyone…just to be sure.

So Much to Say, So Much to Say...

I have way to many things to post about so these thoughts are going to be very disorganized... BFs DUI case went great, no suspension. Then he got a new job (different from the original one he was celebrating) which is right down the street from my work. Awesomeness! He's going to have money again. My promotion at work sucks. I hate it a lot. I'm busy all the time and have no time for anything anymore. Since I moved, I spend most of my time driving (an hour to work) and on the weekends I stay at BFs house because we miss each other so much during the week. I've even spent some weekdays at his house because its closer to my work than my new one. He is amazing by the way. I'm so happy with him.

Things To Do

In no apparent order...
Draw more.
Get crafty.
Bake.
Get a graphic design degree.
Get a more satisfying job.
Exercise.
Save money.
Pay off debts.
Find a mentor.
Move to the big city.
Road trip through California.
Lay on the beach for a week.
Go to Spain.

Effing Murphy's Law!

It figures that the day BF has 2 fantastic interviews followed by almost immediate confirmation that he got the job, would be the day that something bad happens.
BF called me in the best mood yesterday to tell me about his interviews, and then to tell me that he recieved compliments from someone saying "You 2 are so good for each other. She's so hot! You look cute together.", then later to tell me that he got the job from the 1st interview. In his excitement he professed to me, "I finally feel like I deserve to have someone as beautiful and amazing as you and I don't have to worry that I'll lose you to someone who has more to offer, because now I'll be able to provide for you and give you all the things you deserve." Ok, I know you might want to punch me in the face right now for all that. But I swear I'm not making it up! He's really that much of a sweetheart! *sigh* But don't forget...Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Just because he says it, doesn't mean anything. I'm far from Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Alba...or even Britney Spears these days, in my opinion. I digress. Getting back to the subject, BF finally got a job and now the picture is complete. He is damn near perfect to me. I'm the happiest girl in the world!

Until...I saw a missed call from him on my phone this morning. It came in around 3:30am, but I hadn't heard from him yet while I was getting ready for work like I expected to since he had to go into the job today to finish up some paperwork. Then about 11:30am I get a call from him. Very hesitantly he explained to me that he was arrested last night after a few celebratory drinks at the bar with one of our friends and was charged with a DUI.

My heart dropped. I was so shocked that I didn't know how to respond or what to say. Not another boyfriend with a DUI...what the hell is wrong with me that I keep running into this problem? Is it my fault for having poor judgement? I am so smitten by him and he amazes me every day--as much as I resist admitting it, I feel like he could really be the one--and now I am thrown back into the same situation I was in with my ex-fiance? I don't know what to do. Should I leave him? Should I just give up and really be single for once? But how would I do that? How could I just throw away a 10 year friendship over something like that? Its understandable that as a girlfriend I have the option of calling it quits on account of tough love. But he makes up too much of my life to just cease all contact. I can't imagine being without him. I'm heartbroken that this happened. I'm going to have to take some time to think about what's the best thing for me to do in this situation and if I have to make difficult decisions, then so be it.

The One

Yesterday BF picked me up from work and took me out to lunch. It was so nice. I haven't seen him since Sunday--only 3 days--and we missed each other so much. I felt weird because after we ate, I sat on the same side of the booth as him and we played kissy face until he'd payed the bill and we had to leave. The waitress kept coming over saying, "sorry... I don't want to interupt." and BF told her we don't get to see each other that often. Haha. I thought to myself, "We're those assholes that everyone stares and makes puking noises at and says get a room!" But, oh well, screw em! We can't get enough of each other and that's fine with me because I am totally smitten.

We had been talking about a friend of ours who always says the girl he's dating is "the one". I was telling BF how this friend is talking about moving South and buying a house with the current "one" and we got on the subject of friends getting married. Then BF jokingly asked me, "So, when are you going to get married already?!" I laughed and answered "When I find the one." Then for the rest of the lunch he kept making comments about it, only half joking. He asked me, "oh, so I'm not the ONE? I'm just here to kill time until you find someone better? Its cool. I'm fine with that. I wouldn't marry you anyway." Then right away he says, "Well no, I probably would. I'd marry you tomorrow if I could. But I can't afford that yet."

So, anyway...he apologized later because he didn't want me to be freaked out by his talk of a long term relationship with me. But I assured him that I do think of those things. I think of them in pretty ridiculous ways (obviously, from previous posts in May & June), but I try to pretend that I don't because I don't want to get ahead of myself. I've tried and failed too many times and I just want this time to work out right. I'm head over heels in love right now, but I have to take it one day at a time.