Snuggle Therapy

Took DD to the Dr. yesterday for her 18 month checkup. They loaded her up with vaccines because I always seem to miss an appointment here and there so she needed to catch up. They also informed me that her right ear looks infected. I had no clue anything was wrong with her, but once they mentioned it I did recall her rubbing her finger in her ear a few times. I had thought it was just because she was tired. Something inside me questioned whether this downward spiral I've been in has got me so distracted that I wasn't able to notice her cues. Maybe all the whining she's done lately that I hear as a nagging, annoying noise she won't stop doing was really a cry of discomfort. It's these questions that leave me doubting the job I do as a mother. Today I spent all day snuggling, cuddling, and paying as much attention as I could to her, trying to ease her discomfort from the ear ache and very sore, stiff legs after getting the shots. Maybe it was the fact that I didn't have any other worries than loving my babygirl today that made me feel a little better. I seem to be much less anxious. Just calm, easy going, and not dwelling on being depressed.

Perhaps it was the visit with my Mom last night. After the Dr. we made the long drive to Grandma's house to escape having dinner with BF's mom at home while he was working late. I had a lot to get off my chest and it was good to cry and talk with my Mom. She also worked on my back--it's been really tight and sore lately--which may have had a therapeutic effect on me.

Darkness

Yesterday was bad. It's been gloomy outside lately and it feels gloomy in my head, too. I slept till 10am and then took a 2 hour nap later in the day when DD napped.

Belated Postpartum Depression

18 months after my daughter's birth, I've finally broke down and decided to get some help. I kept thinking I was ok, that I could handle this on my own, that my mood swings were just normal female behavior that I needed to learn to cope better with. But that's not entirely true.

I'm depressed, tired, full of anxiety, bored, and just plain sick of it all. I have no patience for anything. When BF calls me from work I'm annoyed and short with him. We have no sex life whatsoever and I can't stand to hear him joke about it anymore. The whining sounds DD makes grind at me right away. It's all piling up and I can do nothing but stare off into space with my mind racing. I often have trouble sleeping, lying awake until 2 or 3 in the morning.

So, I spoke with a postpartum counselor yesterday. She stopped into my room in L&D right after I had the baby to talk to me about my high risk and give me her card. I'm glad I kept it. We met for an hour and she gave me some insight on what might help me as well as some referrals to a therapist and a psychiatrist who take my insurance, since we're now on Public Aid. I'm hoping to get back on Wellbutrin as it seemed to be the miracle worker for me before I got pregnant. I know this won't be an instant transformation, but taking these first steps makes me feel a little better for the moment. At least I can believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm Going Crazy Because...

I feel like I can't sit still without getting depressed or anxious...sometimes to the point where my body aches. I've been trying to cope by writing out nightly schedules for the next day and weekly menus for dinner. It helps me to stay focused and keep busy so that I don't have a lot of downtime. It can be hard when I have no idea what to do next and my mind just floods with thoughts of all the things that are bothering me. I can't stand my roommate (a.k.a "Mother in Law"): the way she lives her life, the things she does, the sound of her voice all get under my skin. I can't talk to any of the people I'd usually talk to because I have issues with all of them right now (all 3 that is). I can't talk to my BF because most of my problem is with his mom so he doesn't want to hear it. My SIL is going through a quarter life crisis, so I feel bad calling with my own issues and I want to help but I don't know what to say or do for her and my own anxiety is making her personality a little annoying right now. My mom is pissed at me because I said we were going on an outing near her house Sunday and invited her along but then we changed our minds and went somewhere else without telling her until the last minute, so now I'm afraid to talk to her. She's been FBing me and texting me with "I miss you", "I miss my girls", "I want to see my kids"....for weeks now and I haven't done anything about it. But she works and goes to school 6 days a week and lives 45 minutes away, so it's not like I can just pop on over for a short visit. I feel like it's not my fault that she fills her time up with work and school and lives so far, so she can't get mad at me for not seeing us. I'm just sick of everyone wanting me to bring the baby here or there to visit with them. Sometimes I just want to move away where no one can guilt trip me about not visiting. If they want to visit, they can come to us. Besides, I had mixed feelings about my last visit with my mom because she spent the whole time oggling the baby and I felt neglected because I could barely have a conversation the way I used to have with her. I feel like now that the baby's a little older I should just drop her off at people's houses and go do something else because no one wants to see me anymore anyway. They just want to spend time with her.

Now, as for the roommate/MIL issue. We're both home all day long because I don't work and she works evenings. I can't even be in the same room with her without wanting to punch something. I try to get up and out of the house for the day before she wakes up, so I don't have to see her because she just drives me insane. She's 47 years old, parties all night and sleeps till noon, then gets up all bitchy and wants to complain about the night she had or the customers not tipping, or her STUPID FUCKING VOLLEYBALL. The woman is obsessed...I mean OBSESSED with her volleyball league. She's not only a player, but she "runs" the season...you would think that this year when she found out the company had hired professionals to run it and that she wasn't getting paid, that she would've just dropped it. Oh no....she implanted herself so far into it that they ended up firing the professionals and agreeing to pay her and another team mate to coordinate the rest of the season. My guess is they probably just wanted to get her off their backs. She cannot speak without complaining about something, she spends most of her day doing volleyball bullshit while trying to accomplish other household tasks and running errands, but she is incapable of multi-tasking. Every single day she says she's going to pool and then she never gets there because her days go a little like this...She'll fill the sink with dishes, then go outside to water the garden, come back in and do half the dishes, then go back to making phone calls. She'll start making breakfast (at 2:00pm), remember she has to get to the bank before their deposit cutoff, leave the eggs half cooked on the stove and run out the door to get to the bank, get sidetracked going to Walgreens and get back just in time to finish breakfast (4:00pm), more volleyballs calls, take a shower and leave for work....dirty pans on the stove, milk left out, never finishing the dishes. When she does finish the dishes, half the time I have to rewash them because they're all covered in grease from being left soaking in cold water all day and then quickly rinsed to get it done before she has to go. Then today she says to me "tell me again why you wash dishes that can go in the dishwasher, because I've read it uses less water to run the dishwasher than to actually wash them." So, I said, "because I'm already washing dishes to begin with and the dishwasher was full." How the hell can she ask me why I wash dishes if she's the crazy person who insists that not everything can go in the dishwasher? There's a pots and pans button on the machine for a reason!! And you wonder why I throw a couple plates and glasses in the sink with my load of dishes that you say can't go in the dishwasher?? What fucking planet are you from?!!

Another thing is, she has apparently stopped buying groceries...at least groceries for the whole house. She'll go to the store and get her personal items and mention that she was craving fruit or a green vegetable, but did she remember to get a gallon of milk? No. She bought beer, English muffins, eggs, 1 orange, and ONE banana. ONE! The baby eats a banana almost every morning and BF takes one to work a lot, so when he called her out on it and said, "Who buys 1 banana?" She says, "well I didn't have any money and I needed some fruit." What about all the fruit I buy for the house that she is welcome to eat any time? What about the 2 gallons of milk I buy every week that we always seem to run out of? I understand you're a waitress and your income depends on how well business is going and business hasn't been good, so you're broke. But I'm unemployed and on food stamps, so who are you to bitch? I haven't even told her about the food stamps because I feel like she'll figure "well, you've got government money. You go ahead and buy ALL the groceries." Even though I feel like that's already what's happening. And what about the meals I make 4 times a week and the leftovers you hardly ever eat? Honestly, I'm a little insulted that she never eats what I cook. I'm not a bad cook. I'm actually getting pretty good with all this practice. Any time she's cooked in the past I always eat it, no matter if it's something I think I'll like or not. She actually turned me onto fish which I would never eat before. But when I made fish and offered her some she made a face and asked, "is it fishy?" and when BF cooks something he knows she likes and we offer to make enough for her to join us, she'll turn up her nose and ask, "What's the vegetable?" Then she'll run out and buy a fresh veggie, cook it, and eat it with the leftovers that night but not sit down and eat with us.

OH...and don't get me started on anything she does involving my daughter. Ok, so here goes... she knows we have no space in this house yet she randomly buys things from garage sales that we can't even use yet because their too old for the baby. She and I both buy books at garage sales and then she just decides about the ones I bought that "she's not ready for those yet. They're too wordy" and puts them away in another room without even telling me until I ask her what happened to them. She doesn't hold back in telling her "Grandma's hangin" when she's hungover from the night before, or "Grandma's buzzed" when her friends drop her off early from a night of drinking. Excuse me, but my 15 month old daughter does not need to hear that bullshit--EVER. She constantly asks the baby if she wants to go swimming or wants to do this or that, then says, "Grandma wants to take you" or "Grandma's going to take you" but then never delivers. She said to me the other day, "I promised myself I'd go to the pool for my birthday because it's my birthday and I need to do what I want. Volleyball can wait. So, I don't know what you guys are doing that day but maybe you'd like to go over to the pool for a little while. I'd love to see the baby swim." I've offered several times for her to take the baby swimming without me, but she's never asked me to do that. I guess she didn't want the responsibility of taking her swimming herself. So, I figured that it's her birthday so I should try to make it happen. I asked her ahead of time if she knew when she might want to go to the pool. She said, "well it won't be first thing in the morning because I plan to stay out for my birthday the night before." So, I sat around all day waiting for her to get her drunk ass out of bed and by the time she did and I came up with a plan to get my errands done while still fitting in her pool time, it was 3:30pm and she says to me, "Oh, I'm not going. There's no time, I gotta go to work."

Thanks, bitch. Thanks for making my life miserable.

Coupon Nazi

WTH? This woman--my not-quite-MIL--is insane. She absolutely cannot give us our mail without looking at the return address and either announcing who it's from, guessing what it is, or getting involved somehow--especially if it's a recurring bill. On the Sunday's when I bring the newspaper in, I clip the coupons I want and put it all back together to give to her because otherwise she piles them up for months until she finds time to go through them, and by then they're usually expired. I even asked once if she could pass them onto me when she was done and I never saw them again. One day when I was going to the store to get a few things she says, "I was just about to get you some coupons from the paper and look! (holds up coupon pages) They're gone!" I'm like, "Yeah, I already got them yesterday." She exclaims, "Oh!! I thought the mailman was stealing my coupons!!" .....really? You actually thought the mailman chose our house out of all the others, opens up the paper and cuts the coupons before delivering the paper? Yeah, sure.

Yesterday she was going through them again. She had 6 piles going on the table and then had to leave for work. So, as I'm clearing off the table for dinner I moved them all into one pile, staggering so she could separate them where she had them. Then today she gets this tone and says, "now...do you know which pile was where because I had them sorted by (blah blah blah)...and the ones I was done with I put in a trash pile." Yeah, obviously you had them sorted by something, but I didn't know that ahead of time so I couldn't do much with it other than what I did. She says, "well, I guess I'll just start over. I should be able to figure it out." Ok, so then I say to her a little later in the day, "I was thinking, when you're done, don't throw out your trash pile. I'll go through it and see if there's any more I could use in there." Now, instead of just saying "Ok." She says, "Well, see the trash pile is mostly expired and I've already taken out any of the ones I thought you guys would use...like I keep all the baby ones and I kept one for your sour cream..."

I don't even know what to say to that and I've never seen a single baby coupon from her, so where she puts these ones that she thinks I'll use, I don't know. But my real questions is... how hard is it to just let us decide for ourselves what we want to keep? A lot of times I don't buy stuff until I notice a coupon for it and that will make me think, "Oh I've been wanting to try that!" So, how would she know that I don't want a coupon for something just because she's never seen it in the house? She does the same thing with our mail! If she thinks its junk mail she'll throw it out before even giving it to us. How does she know what our junk mail looks like?

Ugghhhhh! She is making me crazy! God, I wish we could just win the lottery and move out of here now instead of waiting until we're ready and able.

Grandma's Hitting the Pipe

BF asked me to pick up lawn bags today so he and his mom could team up and cut the extra long grass we have outside due to the recent onslaught of rain. She would do half during the day and he will do the rest when he gets home from work.

I just got home from the grocery store. Baby's fussy and doesn't want to stay in car seat or be put down while I put the groceries away. So, I have her on one hip and groceries on the other as I walk upstairs to put the perishables in the fridge. It straight smells like reefer up here. Obviously "MIL" and her loser boyfriend are getting tons accomplished on the living room today. When I put the lawn bags down she says, "Oh shit I totally forgot about the lawn!" (Well, yeah I could've predicted that one yesterday when you said you'd add it to your schedule...not to mention the fact that you just got done smoking a bowl.)

So, part of me is pissed that Grandma is upstairs smoking pot because I just carried my baby through that air. But its kind of hypocritical to be mad because I let BF sneak off to take a hit here and there and he comes back in with a faint smell of pot on him. Besides, they probably smoked while we were still at the grocery store and it's just a lingering smell that I noticed once I got home. I'm sure I wasn't actually walking through a cloud of THC when I went up there. Its just one more of those things to add fuel to the fire I guess. At least this time I can keep my cool about it.

Its the Principle

Most of the time I try to be cool about my living situation. Fact is, most things that bother me really aren't a big deal so I try not to make them into one. But everything just adds up and gets under my skin. Well this week just happened to be one of those weeks. The house has been a construction zone for weeks because they're painting the walls and putting in new carpet upstairs. So, we've managed to work around that most of the time with making pretty easy dinners, but we can't even eat at the dinner table. We have to eat downstairs in our bedroom which I hate because it means I'm eating while sitting on the super low couch, hunched over the coffee table. Then we have BF's mom and her loser boyfriend coming and going all the time trying to get work done in between running errands and going out partying at night. Its taken her 3 days to finish the dishes that they made the other night and they are still sitting in the sink. How long does it take to do one dinner's worth of dishes? The other night I heard them come home at 12:30 and I couldn't get back to sleep until they'd quieted down. It sounded like they'd finally stopped messing around in the kitchen and gone to bed around 3:30a.m. Then her boyfriend was up at 9:30am hanging out in the living room and making coffee for hours before she even woke up.... Then, this morning I woke and the bitch drank my Bacardi. She had a full case of beer in the fridge, why did she have to drink the rest of my Bacardi? Then when she finally wakes up today at 2:00pm she comes into the kitchen with that alcoholic hangover voice that people get, picks up the bottle and says, "I don't know whose this was but I drank it. I'll buy more." So I said, "Yeah, it was mine and it was a mix of 3 different flavors that someone gave me. I don't even know which ones they were." and I walked downstairs. So, she goes and calls BF and says she doesn't appreciate the snippiness from me, and then I have to talk to him about it too! WTF. I'm sick of talking about it or thinking about it, but basically its just the principle of it....and the fact that all my other annoyances have been adding up. That's all. I don't know what else to say about it.