Work Hell

Today I was bombarded with an "unauthorized" meeting called by the lady who sits next to me and is supposed to be training me in my new position at work. I feel like they're setting me up for failure here. They know I'm struggling, but they keep telling me I'm not doing enough or I'm not making a big enough effort. I've told them that I'm having a hard time but they refuse to help me out and give me work that I know I could do without problems. Instead they keep trying to push me to master the new position and get to where they want me to be. I wanted to scream today. It took every ounce of me not to be like, "I don't tell anyone this, but part of the problem is not only the pregnancy effecting my focus and memory, but I'm off the medications that I used to take to get me through each day here. I never had so much anxiety before I came to work here, and now I have nothing to help me through it." But instead I just sat silently because I had absolutely no idea what to say. I can't say any of the things I want to say to them because they'll use them against me. From the looks of it, they're heading towards firing me. I wish they would just do it already so I could collect the unemployment and not have to go through torture in the meantime. My paychecks are half of what they used to be now for some reason, too. I know I've been missing time due to being sick and having to leave to go to the doctor, but it just doesn't seem like they should be that low. At this rate, I want to say I'd be better off without this job but the way the economy is, it would be hard to find something else... especially being pregnant and needing the insurance and maternity leave pay. I'm so fucking miserable here. If ever there was a time when I wished I could win the lottery, it's now more than ever.

The Joys of Working While Pregnant

Ok, so not only did I get a "talking to" about my attendance while I was in my first trimester misery but they documented the meeting and had me sign off on it. Now that I'm into my 2nd trimester, I'm actually able to be at work more. So the attendance isn't as big of a problem at the moment. ...now the problem is that I'm tired, forget things, make mistakes easily and just don't feel like working! So, what now? They're going to keep a record of the tasks I do daily to make sure everything's getting done. WTF!? Can't they just leave me alone and let me work at my own pace? Its bad enough I have to be in this hell hole, learning a job that I never wanted to get into, surrounded by people I can't stand, with no choice but to stay because I need the insurance and the maternity leave pay. It hard enough for me to get through the day without having to deal with them bringing up reason's I'm not living up to my potential. Assholes!

Damn The Man!!!

I can't fricking believe this. After weeks of trying to verify my voters registration, going on every website and calling every number I could find... I just found out that I am in fact NOT registered to vote. For months I've been posting Myspace bulletins reminding people to register with links to help them do it and tips for voting day and now... ironically... as someone at the Election Board's office told me, I'm "S.O.L." I can't even vote on a provisional ballot because the vote will be thrown out once they verify that I am not an active registered voter. ARRRG! I am so pissed! The last time I voted, I went to the place I thought I was supposed to vote and they said I had to go to the next town over since I had moved. I wonder if that vote even counted! I bet that one got thrown out too. WTF? Why do I always have so much trouble with anything involving my address? Millions of people move around frequently, they can't all be screwed out of things because of their address change. The sad part is that I bet this is all my fault. I can't remember registering to vote. I remember going to the Vote For Change website and starting to fill out some sort of forms. But I don't remember anything else and I never got any emails confirming what I did. I bet my dumbass ran into some kind of glitch where I hit a "process" button and nothing happened, so I just decided to try again later but ultimately forgot... kind of like the traffic court dates I missed at the end of last year and the fines I forgot to pay. What is my problem? Even so, just because I had trouble registering doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to vote. I bet there are thousands of people who aren't smart enough to register properly or on time... should they all be denied their rights as American citizens? It just doesn't seem fair.

Doom and Gloom

I miss my happiness. It seems that since I became pregnant its been nothing but doom and gloom for me. I want to be happy, I really do! A lady at the pharmacy congratulated me on Friday and told me I don't look pregnant. That made me kind of cheerful. Of course, when I'm with BF I'm 180% better. I'm happy and I seem to feel less sick. I needed that so much over the weekend since I was sick ALL of last week. I felt like I'd never get healthy again. Then over the weekend when I was with BF my cold started to go away, I felt a little better, and I actually had a good time hanging out with friends. Now I'm back to work and I was already in the bathroom crying this morning, and now I'm almost crying again thinking about all of this. I can pretty much bet that if I could get back on my Meds I'd be back to normal. But it doesn't look like my stomach's getting any tougher so I don't think I'd be able to handle digesting them. I just don't know what to do in the meantime.

Mood Swings, Medication, & Hormones, ...Oh my!

I'm disgusted by my coworkers, can't stand my job or the company anymore, oversensitive to friends comments about anything... I spaz out when I have to think about making plans for traveling during the holidays. I'm a complete mess! Yesterday I posted a Myspace Blog about how much I hate my job and such--pretty much just venting--and people commented back as if they were offended by my negativity... "At least you have a steady job." ..which in turn made me even more pissed off and want to be like, "You just don't get it!" I'm not ready to tell people about my pregnancy yet, but in the meantime my whole personality is changing and from the outside it must seem like I'm a horrible person. I wish I could just say to everyone, "Look people, I'M PREGNANT! So, not only am I hormonal... But the anti-depressants I've been dependant on for anxiety and depression since I was 18 years old...I can't take them! Despite my doctors opinion that they won't hurt the baby if I stay on them but lower my dose, I can't take them because my stomach refuses to digest any type of medication or even vitamins without puking it back up. So, I'm sorry if I'm a little irrational. I'm sorry if I am way more negative than I used to be. I'm sorry if I come off as a big whiny baby who can't just suck it up and live life like the rest of the working class... but being off this medication for the first time in 10 years, and then dealing with extra hormones on top of it, is really having an effect on me. When I am in the environment that is my workplace, I am completely miserable!"

What Can I Eat?

Its truly a challenge trying to figure out what my stomach will keep down these days. I think I'm starting to see a pattern with the applesauce and apple juice, rice and potatoes. So, it may be that I can only eat fruit and starch right now. But that could change tomorrow. I'm not getting very many nutrients and my mom is worried. She said the first 8 weeks are crucial in preventing birth defects, so I need to be getting all the vitamins I can. I feel lucky if I can eat a whole meal, let alone all the right foods and such. Only 5 more weeks of this, right? Ugh... only!?

9/18/08-A friend at work gave me a Preggie Pop today. It gave me hope.

Changes in Chemistry

My skin is gross. Its so oily now. My chest broke out again this morning. I have 3 pimples on my neck of all places, and now I have a huge one on my chin which I've successfully turned into a mountain by sqeezing it. This sucks. Not only do I get to be sick and tired every day, but I'm breaking out worse than I have in the last 10 years. wtf... why would anyone want to do this voluntarily? This beginning part is reason enough to get fixed and adopt if need be.

9/18/08-I ran across some interesting and possibly helpful information today. Here it is!