Crazy Spaz Girl!

Anyone know the meaning of the word "psycho"? Because that's how I feel today... like a total psycho by my definition. I'm a total spaz!! I'm hyper, but not in a good way. I'm irritable, stressed out, spaztic, crazy!! I feel like I have so much to do and no time to get any of it done. I just want to scream at everyone "STFU!!" and throw stuff and freak out... but I'm controlling it pretty well. I yelled at one guy. But he deserved it. He kept getting on my case about printing a stupid calendar that I'd already printed twice already with corrections, so I told him to just take a pen and correct it.

I actually had a dream last night that I freaked out at the president of the company I work for and got myself fired. Good thing he wasn't here today. It could've been a premonition!

I hate this me.

Ok, seriously... when did I become this antisocial person who doesn't care about anything? I don't have the energy or interest to even decorate for Halloween this year. WTF!? Halloween is my favorite holiday!! I love dressing up and going out to parties to see everyone that I haven't seen in a year. But I'm not even dressing up this year! None of the cute costumes fit me and I don't have the money to get a new costume. I don't know if this is just my period talking and its just hitting me really hard right now, or what? I can't stand this person who I am now. I used to be so excited to go out and party and now all I want to do is sit at home and its not b/c I don't have any friends like it was last year. This year I actually have people to hang out with, I'd just rather sit home on the computer. Just thinking about this makes me mad. I really hope this new medicine works b/c I am starting to get really sick of myself and its just going to make me even more depressed. God, I wish I could just be freakin normal! Is that so much to ask?!! That I just be a normal person with regular brain chemistry and no mental problems!?!!!! Isn't there a pill out there that will just make me a better person altogether? C'mon, give me a break here!

Uhh...OCD much?

I'm so frustrated with myself lately. I can't focus on anything that I should be focusing on, and I'm totally OCD about things that I don't need to focus on. I'll spend all day at work playing on the computer. Really, it is playing b/c I'm just trying outfits on my virtual bridal party at DavidsBridal.com, or chatting about nonsense in wedding websites, or whatever. I have so much work to do at my job and its all piling up. I'm procrastinating like crazy. Oh, and the OCD thing... its crazy b/c I had a little bump that I thought was an ingrown hair and I sat there for almost 45 minutes with a tweezers trying to dig it out until I finally realized I had made a huge hole in my skin, there was no hair in there to begin with, and I'd plucked all the surrounding hairs so I now have a bald spot there. Not to mention I think I have a cold sore on my lip. I've never had one before so I thought it was a pimple that wasn't ready to come out yet. So, I started squeezing it to try and make it come out and it turned into a big white bump. I swear it better not be there b/c of my makeout session w/the BFF/GM. I'll kill him. Ughhh, whatever. Everything is just making me nuts lately. I really need to try extra hard to focus and get my work done and get caught up to where I'm supposed to be at my job. I think I'm going to ask my psychiatrist about taking ritalin or adderol when I see her Saturday. My flakiness is getting out of hand and there's gotta be something I can do about it. Ok, time to get off the internet for once and get to work. Sure, I hate my job. But I don't want to get fired before I can get myself together enough to find a new one!

See... just typing up this blog has completely deterred my chain of focus from how it was when I first got into work. I've gotta get back on track.

Always Wonder What They Think

I guess I'm a little bit paranoid. I'm always thinking that people are talking about me behind my back. Even online in message boards, I'll get a reply on a message I posted and I'll think "what is that supposed to mean?" Or I won't get any responses and I'll think, "are they boycotting me?...are they emailing each other offline to make fun of me, saying that I must be crazy, that I'm an idiot, that I'm too poor to have such expensive taste?"

In everyday life there are tons of things to make me paranoid. I think I'll get fired from my job b/c I know I'm just not the best at it. I think my friends don't really like me, they're just being my friends because they feel bad for me. There's an anti-drug commercial on the radio now where a the girl is saying weed doesn't make her paranoid. "Is my zipper down? Is my shirt inside out? Are my shoes on the wrong feet? Do my socks match? Did I rip my jeans? It's it a zit, isn't it? It's a giant zit!" I'm kinda like that girl, but without the weed. Thoughts run through my head like crazy...

"Are my pants too short? Is my shirt bunched up? Are my roots too dark? Is my chest breaking out? Do I need more makeup? Am I sweating too much? Is he shorter than me? Are my heels too high? Are my thighs too fat? Is my belly sticking out? Is my butt crack showing? Is this too much cleavage? Is he looking at me? Does he like me? Am I flirting too much? Did he see my ring? Is anyone looking? Why is everyone staring at me? Did they see that? Should I tip the bartender? Should I take out more money? Will I get a new job? Can I handle a new job? Am I slow? Do they think I'm dumb? Should I be working harder? Am I incompetent? Am I really just lazy? Do I look like a slob? Am I fat? ....."

Best Friends With Benefits

The other night I had a mini makeout session with my best friend. My best friend who is also a groomsman in my upcoming wedding next year. It wasn't much, just a little kissy kissy. But with him, they are the kind of kisses one yearns for. They are the sweet, pouty lipped, passionate kisses that every couple in love should have. But wait, we're not in love. I'm engaged! And my best friend--my male best friend--considers my fiance to be one of his best friends too. So, why is it that no matter how long we know each other... no matter how many times we try to get over each other... we can't ever kick the fact that we have an unbelievable chemistry between us? And in our drunken stupor the other night, we somehow ended up on the floor ecxhanging passionate kisses and repeated "I love yous". ...I love yous?! What? Yes. Yes, I do love him. I love him more than anything. But sometimes it just really throws a wrench in the works. My soon to be marriage is the only thing I have going for me right now. Who knows if I'll ever accomplish anything else in life. I can't mess it up.

Did I mention that I hate my job?

Yeah, just wanted to reiterate. I HATE MY JOB!!!!!