Holiday Tears

I know I've written about all of this before, but just to review....After the whole wedding fiasco--breaking off the wedding and breaking up with my fiance for BF--I couldn't afford to live in my apartment alone anymore so I moved in with my mom. Living here has been really hard for me for a lot of reasons. But today I feel especially sad. I wanted to decorate the the house for Christmas, so I pulled out all the boxes and started going through them to see what of Mom's I could use and what of mine I could use. I had forgotten how special Christmas time had always been to FI and I. Up until last year the holidays had always been our favorite time of year to spend together. So, upon opening up those boxes I was finding all the ornaments I'd bought for us--a new one for each year we were together--a red leather picture frame and photo album with pictures of us having fun in the snow downtown, stockings with our names and little ones with our kitties names on them. It just made me think... we had so much fun together. What happened? What did I do? Did I mess that all up by getting involved with BF? I miss FI. I feel so bad for everything that happened and wish it didn't work out the way it did. But I also feel that no one I've ever been with has been as right for me as BF is now. I have to remember that. But its hard at times like this.

I think part of this sadness is the fact that I'm here at my mom's. Maybe if BF and I had our own place I'd feel a little better because we would be able to share in all the things I like to do with my loved one at the holidays. ...then again, I also feel weird about that because I basically just switched one guy out for another one. Its like all I have to do is switch the pictures and names on all my cute Christmas stuff and pretend everything is normal. Afterall, that's what I did right? I just replaced one with the other. It all just makes me feel emotional and confused. I think I'll go bake some cookies to try and take my mind off it.