Recipe for PMSSSSS

PMS=a sudden urge to eat healthy and begin dieting, followed by a day or 2 of lethargy, then a negative mindframe for days accompanied by bingeing on cheesburgers, cheese fries, & ice cream and feeling crappy and bloated afterwards, then eventually the period arrives. What a curse!

Appreciating My Passion

So much for appreciating what I have... I've really been trying to focus a lot on art lately. Its the one true and constant passion I have and I've spent so little time on it over the years. So now I've made a goal to get a portfolio done and to do that I have to draw something every day (or almost every day). I'm excited about it and I'm happy that BF listens to me when I talk about it and want do nerdy art stuff. I thought I'd finally found someone who would appreciate my love for art, seeing how BF encourages me to "do what you love", suggested I think about becoming an art teacher, and took me to the art museum over the weekend. But then I started reflecting on the comments he makes about art. When we were at the museum he kept saying how he didn’t "respect" certain artists because it didn’t look like it took any talent to do what they did. He'd look at a painting and say, "like this, it looks like a third grader did it." I could understand what he was saying on some of them… you know, some of the more contemporary stuff where its just a circle on a blank white page or something like that… but its like, he didn’t get the purpose of it. He couldn't grasp that its art. It doesn't have to be perfect. Its about expression! There isn't supposed to be a right or wrong way to do it. You don't have to like it, but you should at least appreciate it as art to some extent.

Then yesterday when I told him I'd spent the last few hours doing a drawing with pastels he asked me what I drew and I’m like “a girl”. That's my answer almost everytime he asks me what I drew that day because that's what I like to draw, especially with my background in fashion design and interest love for fashion illustration. So he says, “that’s all you ever draw is women. Why don’t you draw something else? Like a lagoon or something?” Well, it really irritated me. Why does he have to question it? He's not an artist, so who is he to say anything? Most people I meet who don't make art are always amazed that I even do it. But here he is--my best friend--always criticizing. So once again I get another red flag in my mind...a voice saying, "he doesn't get it! He won't appreciate you. You should get out now!"

Why does it always have to be all or nothing in my mind? Can I be happy with him, even if we don't agree on everything and have all the same interests?

Artwork featured here is by Stina Persson and Pomme Chan.

Another Anthem to My Life

So I'm listening to my last.fm playlist on shuffle and this song comes on... and I thought to myself... this is the anthem...my anthem. I remember listening to this back in the day when I broke up with my first long term boyfriend. It always seems to apply. I get caught up in the fantasy of getting married and being someone's wife and lose myself completely... something I'm not going to let happen again. I'm hoping to break the cycle this time.

As I look at what I've done
The type of life that I've lived
How many things I pray the father will forgive
One situation involved a young man
He was the ocean and I was the sand
He stole my heart like a thief in the night
Dulled my senses blurred my sight
..............................
Torn and confused wasted and used
Reached the crossroad which path would I choose
Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For something to happen that just wasn't fated
..............................
Father you saved me and showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man's wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets deeper than oceans
My soul was weary but now it's replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished
I see him sometimes and the look in his eye
Is one of a man who's lost treasures untold
But my heart is gold I took back my soul
..............................
I used to love him but now I don't…


(These are bits and pieces of the song. To read complete lyrics click here.)

You Make Me Smile, Just for a While

I love Colbie Callait. Her songs just seem to put a smile on my face... kinda like BF. Some days he makes me want to just sit back and enjoy the simple things in life. I've been feeling a lot like I don't know how to appreciate what I have lately. I'm never satisfied with what's in front of me, always wanting what I don't have, and it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me that I'm not able to do that. But this weekend, he made me forget about that for a while. He took me downtown to the art museum, then we had dinner, and afterwards we went to see a band. Sunday we layed around all day laughing and being lazy and having lots of amazing sex. I swear we can't lay on the same couch together without it leading to that. Its not him either...I'm totally the instigator. Being near him just does that to me! It was really nice, though. He makes me happy. I wish I could focus on that more often, instead of anything that strikes me as a red flag.

Absence Makes the <3 Grow Fonder

Its true what they say... this week I purposely did not see BF. We talked briefly throughout the week, in the afternoons or just before I went to bed, but didn't see each other. Then yesterday I went over to his house for dinner. He seemed kind of down and distracted, but he was happy to see me. I sat on his lap and couldn't stop staring at him and wanting to kiss him. He said to me, "its so hard for me to hold back what I want to say." And I knew what he meant... he complimented me a lot..."you look cute. you look nice... ok, I'll stop." And I'm like, "why do you have to hold it back? I like compliments." I think he wanted to say he loves me. That would've been ok, too. But he didn't. Its ok. I already know it.

After dinner we watched TV for a while, messed around, and then he rubbed my back really good because it hurts from being on the computer so much. When it was time for me to go, I got in my car and drove away with a huge smile on my face and butterflies in my stomach.... that's what I had been missing. I knew he could do it to me, but he was getting on my nerves so much that I wasn't feeling it. I'm glad its back.

More About Work

You know, the funny thing about work is... I have been completely worthless for the last 3 weeks. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. I don't feel like working so instead I just do online stuff. I know I've been slacking with all my daily duties and what-not but I just don't really care. I've had moments of paranoia where I think, "Do they know I'm slacking so much? Are people complaining? Are they moving me into a different position so they can keep a closer eye on me? Are they doing it just so they can have me train someone to take my place and then they're going to fire me? Do they know I'm going to hate customer service and I'll end up quitting and then they'll be rid of me and all my laziness?" ...ok, so I get a little crazy with my 1 minute paranoid episodes. I know I need to get my stuff done, organize my desk area and my thoughts and create a handbook from which to train the new person when we get one. But I cannot focus on anything but my own little internet world... and they took the firewall down last week too, so now I can get on myspace on top of all the other sites!

Getting Promoted

So I'm supposed to be getting promoted at work next month. I don't really consider it a promotion because I'm not necessarily moving up, just into a different department. But I will be getting more money--a 10% increase--so that's all I'm really concerned about. To be honest, I think I'd rather move into a more involved Administrative Assistant role, maybe Executive Assistant rather than a customer service position. I hate our customers and I have no desire to be in customer service. But there are no other admin roles here, so what can I do? I have to go where the money is, considering I'm always flat broke and negative in my bank account. I think the bank closed my savings account because I never put anything in it, too.

In the meantime, I gave the managers a list of my duties and they are supposed to be hiring someone to take over my job as Receptionist/Administrative Assistant. But no one has come in for an interview. I don't even know if they have any leads. Now they're trying to split up my duties among the present miscellaneous admin staff we have so that the new person "won't see the list, get scared and run off". Is it that fricken hard? When they hired me, I didn't know my job would be so hard and such a pain in the ass, but I made it. Yes, I wish they would've trained me better, but do they really need to trick people? I hate how this company is run sometimes. They just seem to make their own rules and not think about anything else.

I wish I could just find a sponsor so I could quit my job and do what I really want with my life...whatever that is.