The First 2 Hours

This is a constant struggle. Up until 10:00am I'm good to go. I've had my coffee, I'm focused and organized. I'm getting stuff done at work. During that time I feel like its ok. I can handle it. So, I think to myself, "Should I just stick it out another year or so at this job? Can I handle another year or so? If I do, I'll probably get a nice monetary gift from the company for my wedding next year..." But I can't put myself through misery for an entire year while also stressing out about the wedding planning just so I'll get a fat check from the company. That's ridiculous. But this company is ridiculous, so it would actually make some sense in that aspect.

Too Young to Feel this Damn Old!

I'm cold.
I hate work.
I hate people.
I'm tired contantly.
I'm depressed most of the time.
I don't do anything but mess around on the computer all day.

When did I get so old?

Dead End Jobs & Big Fat Budget Woes

As if I couldn't get enough stress right now... the last week or so has been insane trying to find a place to have our wedding that will be even remotely affordable. I wanted some place special, somewhere different from the usual European style Midwest banquet hall wedding--a castle, a small mansion, a restaurant with a view--some place that would stand out from the rest. But it turns out that we just aren't able to afford anything different. So much for my dreams and desires of having classy touches of high society into our day. No matter how hard I wish for it, I just can't escape the fact that I don't come from money, I don't have money, and at the rate I'm going... I won't ever be anything other than average.

Then today I stayed home from work. Why? Because I couldn't get my fat ass into any of my work pants!! Every time I've said I'm going to diet in the past 6 months I've cheated and blew the diet within the 1st 2 days. But, I don't get it. I weighed myself today and I'm at least 4 lbs less than my normal weight. How is it that I can't button my pants? So, staying home from work, I hoped I would be able to relax a little and be refreshed to go back to my job tomorrow, since I've been overworked and stressed out there as well. Instead, I spent the whole day looking for a new job and thinking about how much I hate my current one. I have no experience for any of the jobs I'm interested in applying to, and any time I read a job for an administrative position I cringe at the list of expectations and think, "No! I don't want to do this bullshit anymore!!" So, I constantly get stuck in the same predicament: hate my dead end job but can't do anything about it.

And on top of all that, my fiance comes home to see me here and the first thing he says is, "You could've at least cleaned the house if you're gonna stay home." Then after I do the dishes, a load of laundry, and try to straighten up the living room he says, "you didn't do shit. It looks the same as it did when I got home." Well, excuse me if I don't feel like vaccuming while you're watching TV. Why do you think I usually leave the cleaning up to him? Because he's a pain in the ass about it and he likes to do it his way.

This is just the kind of stress I need, you know? Everything piled on top of each other. I might as well just put some whip cream on my fat ass, top it with a cherry, and call it a day.

What is this?

I googled my blog name to see how easily someone could find it. Surprisingly it did come up, but in this site called technorati. I'm not quite sure I understand that site. They're saying I should claim my blog so I can make a profile? But I can do that here on Blogger. Why would I need to do it elsewhere? Is someone else going to claim it as their own if I don't? That wouldn't be right. Someone else trying to claim my life?!

Aches N Pains

I've always had these aches and pains whenever I got too tired. When I was little I'd be at a sleepover and I'd get sick to my stomach, a headache or earache, my back starts to get tired and achy... one time I had to have my mom come pick me up in the middle of the night because I thought I was sick. It turned out I was just too tired and should've been in bed instead of up eating popcorn and watching the Aerosmith video for Janie's Got A Gun.

So, for the last couple weeks I've been stressed out at work and staying up too late at night. About 3:00pm every day I get achy and headachy and tired. My shoulders start to cramp up and I lose focus. Its really uncomfortable and distracting. I wish I could just go home instead of sticking around here dealing with the pain. I tried taking some Ibuprofen one day but it didn't help at all. Maybe if I didn't waste time blogging all day I'd be done with my work quicker and really could go home. Then again.. my work is never done here and it probably wouldn't look so good if I was going home all the time.

Grr...it makes me feel like I need a cheesburger and milkshake. Not good when I'm only on day 2 of dieting. I need to get more sleep.

The Ex Factor

I guess I’m a little late on this one…I recently discovered the eye candy that is Jesse Metcalfe. Apparently he stars on the show Desperate Housewives, but I never watch that show so I hadn’t noticed him until now when he made a guest appearance on LA Ink, looking especially sexy and scruffy at the same time. I couldn’t believe how amazingly attractive I thought this guy was, I was practically drooling! Normally, if you ask me to tell you who I think is the hottest actor or celebrity I draw a blank. I think of Brad Pitt first because that's what everyone thinks, but I don’t really think he’s all that. But this Jesse Metcalf has my attention for sure!

Now comes the weird part…I realized that he looks identical to my ex-boyfriend. The one that I thought was “the one” before I started dating my now fiancé. Maybe it’s just this episode that brings out the similarities… the rugged look with black hat and long eyelashes. I know the other pictures I found of him don’t really look like my ex—they’re too clean cut. But ever since I saw the commercial for the Jesse episode of LA Ink I have been having dreams about my ex! No, they’re not dirty dreams!! But we are definitely “a couple” in them and there is the occasional “hook-up”. Anyways, it got me thinking. My ex was hot! It pisses me off that he messed up his life and ruined our relationship of 4 years. Then again he wasn’t that hot after our first year or 2 together because of all the drugs he did—-we won’t get into that. After we broke up (because I got smart and realized I didn’t want to be a part of that mess) our friends would always tell me, “so I saw him the other day… he still loves you. He’s always going to be in love with you.” That stuck with me forever!


Its awkward when I see him or hang out with him now. At first it wasn’t because we stayed friends for a while and it just felt like we were friends hanging out. But now things are so different. We both have totally different lives. He’s straightened himself out, as far as I know, and has a smokin hot girlfriend who I'm jealous of. But I still get those thoughts in my head every time I see him or think about him… does he still love me? Do I still love him? I know I’ll always hold a special place in my heart for him and the amazing relationship we had (as rocky as it was). For some reason I just want him to look into my eyes one more time and say he loves me. I don’t know what satisfaction I’d get out of it. But something inside me wants to have that moment… I guess I’ll have to put up with the dreams of him now because I’ll never get that moment. Wherever life takes us, I guess there’s always that bit of memory we’ll always hold onto from our past. It's creepy and annoying, yet comforting too.

Workplace Crossroads

I'm in a really tough spot right now. I can't stand working in an office anymore. Its not the fact that I'm cooped up in a building all day. I can handle that, although I'd like to be out in the fresh air more often, running errands and such. Its the administrative work that bugs me. I hate being the bottom of the totem pole and having everyone yell out my name whenever they need something. I feel like my job has no purpose other than to do everyone else's busy work for them. I've started looking for a new job, but what else can I do except administrative work? Its a total catch 22! I want to change careers but I don't have experience in anything else, and I can't get a job in something else until I get experience in that field!

So, as I'm looking through the listings, I see a few that I might be qualified for. But when I read through the descriptions I get overwhelmed and feel like "yeah, I could do it. But I don't want that kind of pressure." Its the same kind of pressure I deal with here and I have to get away from it. I don't understand where my enthusiasm went. I used to be young and ambitious and ready to take on the professional world! Now I'm (still young) tired, frustrated, overworked, and pissed off at the world. What happened? Its like the workforce just sucks the life out of you.