I'm on a trial pass at the fitness center because I've realized that working out really makes me feel good. So as much as I love this Gym, it's giving me anxiety. Not just about my own social status, feeling like I need to dress and look a certain way to belong. But about DDs status because they offer daycare and she's never been in anything like that before. I keep questioning. Is she being judged? Do the other kids think she's weird? Will they pick on her for using her pacifier or sign language? Does she look okay? I intentionally picked out a really cute outfit for her this morning and put a barrette in her hair so she wouldn't look like a ragamuffin. We did a trial run this morning. I went in with her for 10 minutes and then sat outside the door to see how long she'd be ok. About 4 minutes later they waved me back in. One of the advisors was sitting on the ground holding her while she cried her eyes out saying, "Mama! Mama!" with all the other kids standing around her, staring. For the rest of the day all I could think was that it's my fault for being an attachment parent and not socializing her sooner. That I did her a disservice by being with her so much and doing everything I can to make her happy and let her do things at her own speed. That my parenting in these first 2 years will lead her to be the outcast, she'll be made fun of in school, she'll have a hard time making friends, she won't succeed in anything, she won't have a date to the prom... Should I change my parenting style? Should I force her into daycare like everyone else seems to do so easily? Should I accept the cry-it-out method as a tool for preparing your child for the real world? Should I...?
I fear there is SO much more to raising a child than just loving her. You're not caring for a puppy. You're molding a human being.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday, April 8, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Flipmode
I was so productive last week, feeling great about myself and then this week totally lulled. Can't get myself motivated to do anything but yet I have this uncomfortable obsession with looking at wedding stuff online. I can't stop. It's not normal. I feel an anxiety in my body that is compelling me to get back on the computer and waste more time on this subject. It's really bothering me. I'm mad at myself for being so unproductive and sluggish this week and feel crazy for being suddenly being so obsessed with wedding stuff. Could it be the incredible valentines day I had? Could the sudden overdose of romance, sex, and spontaneity after a very long dry spell have pushed my hormones into overload and flipped some kind of switch in my brain that said "Start planning!"? I don't like this feeling at all.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I don't know what's wrong with me today. It's really hard to describe. I'm tired, lethargic, anxious, and I feel really weird physically. Almost like I'm going to pass out at times. I've eaten breakfast and lunch so I don't think it's lack of food. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the emotions that have surfaced as we've been trying to declutter and organize the house this weekend, but I feel like I'm having some kind of inner battle about that. MIL is somewhat of a hoarder so in this 3 bedroom split level house, w
e (me, BF, and DD with our King size bed, crib, changing table, couch, coffee table, TV, mini fridge and boxes of clothes because we have no dresser) all live in the 1 room basement level, which was probably designed to be a family room, while MIL has her bedroom upstairs and the other 2 bedrooms up there are full of boxes of crap and clutter (much like the picture to the right from an episode of Hoarders). It has driven me insane to know that we have no where to store any of our things and no bedroom for our daughter because MIL can't find time to go through and part with all of her junk. So, as much as possible we've been trying to amend this situation. Last week we helped her clear out one of the rooms completely. We moved everything into the living room (which was quite a sight to see; I took pictures) and then she moved it all into the other bedroom with the stuff that was already in there. She actually did make some progress in getting rid of some stuff as she went through to put it all away and we were able to claim one of the bedrooms for ourselves so that we have somewhere to keep our stuff too. Then this weekend, we cleaned out the garage and made a huge pile of old board games, sports balls, etc. to donate. The garage looks great!
The problem is, as we go through all of this stuff part of me wants to say throw it all away! But none of it is mine, so I really have no say in that. Then there's a part of me that is starting to see the value in all of this saved stuff. We've found odds & ends that she's saved thinking they'd be a good craft project: calendar photos from years past to be turned into placemats, curio cabinets to hang and display souvenirs, garage sale finds to give as gifts for friends' birthdays. We've found toys and games from BF & MIL's childhoods which are not only sentimental but also considered vintage and possibly worth money. We found Barbie sets from the 50s which are so cool, but in terrible condition. Then there's stuff like the football shaped toy chest that was full of old basketballs in the garage. BF was willing to part with it if he had to, but MIL said what she always says, "Don't you have a friend who could use that? I'd hate to just get rid of it." For some reason she has a problem with donating things that she thinks are worth money. As if people who get these things from Goodwill or whatever other charity that collects donations aren't worthy of something that's in good condition or has any value to it. So, MIL looked up the football online and found out it's going for $75 on Ebay. Well, that made me think it's something we should save whether we end up using it ourselves one day or selling it on Ebay. But then I want to kick myself because selling things on Ebay is not easy, so there's little chance we'll do that and when are we ever really going to use it ourselves? It would be cool as a beer cooler for game day, but we have a crappy TV in our living room. There's no chance we're having football parties here, so really when are we going to use it?
See...there's that internal struggle I'm having. Back and forth about wanting to declutter my life, but then at the same time starting to collect stuff for our future together. My tastes seem to be changing too. Before, I always liked more modern contemporary furniture and interior design, or at least the typical suburban house look with everything new. But now all of a sudden I'm liking a more vintage look. I find myself drawn to things that are old and have character or could be used to make something else. Maybe
it's the whole "Reuse, Recycle, Refurbish" craze that's going around with shows like American Pickers digging up antiques and design shows always coming up with a new way to use old things, making it look so appealing. What freaks me out the most is that all of this makes me feel like I'm turning into my MIL. I keep finding more and more things that we have in common, despite the fact that we are so different, and it scares the shit out of me.
e (me, BF, and DD with our King size bed, crib, changing table, couch, coffee table, TV, mini fridge and boxes of clothes because we have no dresser) all live in the 1 room basement level, which was probably designed to be a family room, while MIL has her bedroom upstairs and the other 2 bedrooms up there are full of boxes of crap and clutter (much like the picture to the right from an episode of Hoarders). It has driven me insane to know that we have no where to store any of our things and no bedroom for our daughter because MIL can't find time to go through and part with all of her junk. So, as much as possible we've been trying to amend this situation. Last week we helped her clear out one of the rooms completely. We moved everything into the living room (which was quite a sight to see; I took pictures) and then she moved it all into the other bedroom with the stuff that was already in there. She actually did make some progress in getting rid of some stuff as she went through to put it all away and we were able to claim one of the bedrooms for ourselves so that we have somewhere to keep our stuff too. Then this weekend, we cleaned out the garage and made a huge pile of old board games, sports balls, etc. to donate. The garage looks great!The problem is, as we go through all of this stuff part of me wants to say throw it all away! But none of it is mine, so I really have no say in that. Then there's a part of me that is starting to see the value in all of this saved stuff. We've found odds & ends that she's saved thinking they'd be a good craft project: calendar photos from years past to be turned into placemats, curio cabinets to hang and display souvenirs, garage sale finds to give as gifts for friends' birthdays. We've found toys and games from BF & MIL's childhoods which are not only sentimental but also considered vintage and possibly worth money. We found Barbie sets from the 50s which are so cool, but in terrible condition. Then there's stuff like the football shaped toy chest that was full of old basketballs in the garage. BF was willing to part with it if he had to, but MIL said what she always says, "Don't you have a friend who could use that? I'd hate to just get rid of it." For some reason she has a problem with donating things that she thinks are worth money. As if people who get these things from Goodwill or whatever other charity that collects donations aren't worthy of something that's in good condition or has any value to it. So, MIL looked up the football online and found out it's going for $75 on Ebay. Well, that made me think it's something we should save whether we end up using it ourselves one day or selling it on Ebay. But then I want to kick myself because selling things on Ebay is not easy, so there's little chance we'll do that and when are we ever really going to use it ourselves? It would be cool as a beer cooler for game day, but we have a crappy TV in our living room. There's no chance we're having football parties here, so really when are we going to use it?
See...there's that internal struggle I'm having. Back and forth about wanting to declutter my life, but then at the same time starting to collect stuff for our future together. My tastes seem to be changing too. Before, I always liked more modern contemporary furniture and interior design, or at least the typical suburban house look with everything new. But now all of a sudden I'm liking a more vintage look. I find myself drawn to things that are old and have character or could be used to make something else. Maybe
it's the whole "Reuse, Recycle, Refurbish" craze that's going around with shows like American Pickers digging up antiques and design shows always coming up with a new way to use old things, making it look so appealing. What freaks me out the most is that all of this makes me feel like I'm turning into my MIL. I keep finding more and more things that we have in common, despite the fact that we are so different, and it scares the shit out of me.
Friday, December 3, 2010
On the Up?
So for the last week or so--I think it was since the Saturday after Thanksgiving--I seem to be feeling surprisingly normal. I haven't felt overly depressed or anxious. I haven't been freaking out about anything. I've been getting things done when I want to, I've been fairly patient and even nice to MIL. It almost feels weird. But it's one of those things that makes me question if I really need to go back on meds or if I was just dealing with some hormonal changes as I wean DD. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week and I think I will still get the prescription because I've been struggling so much over the last couple months and one week of normalcy isn't really going to make that big of a difference. Even weirder, I got my period today which would usually mean that this last week would've been all about PMS, but it was in fact the opposite. Strange. I guess just another thing to point out to my doctor. Right now I am really tired. I think I'll lie down.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving Recap
Earlier today I was questioning myself, "What's going on here? Am I manic today?" I woke up at 8:30am, when I usually can't get up before 10am lately, started my day by doing dishes, washing MIL's new set of cookware for her so she could use it to cook Thanksgiving dinner tonight, and then straightening up the living room and dusting. I woke up feeling like I had to do something productive today or I'd go crazy. I wasn't going anywhere for the holiday, like I usually do, but I wasn't hosting either. I was just at home with no sense of responsibility. To most people this might be a great thing. To me it was not. Once we brought in the bigger dinner table and started arranging things the way they needed to be for dinner, I started to get crazy anxiety. I was freaking out in my head about how MIL has no clue what she's doing and takes way too long to make a decision about things. I just wanted to be like "The table seats 8, we're having 6. Put it this way and it will work fine!" Then she didn't have a table cloth and didn't want to buy one because they're too expensive. Um, hello? You don't need a cloth one. Just get a disposable from the grocery store. It beats eating on a plain (dirty) fold out table. She just didn't seem to get the idea of how to host a holiday. I'll admit, I've never done it myself. But I was raised by the Hostess With the Mostess and I pride myself on being the same. So, it just drove me nuts to see how MIL works. I explained to to BF this way, "You know when you see a picture hanging just a little bit crooked, and you can't think straight until you straighten it? Well, that's how this is for me. She's the crooked picture."
So, I went to the store and got a tablecloth. Then after a buildup of anxiety while showering and getting ready, I realized I was starving. 2:30 is really the stupidest time to have Thanksgiving dinner. You end up skipping lunch and then being hungry way before anything is ready, especially with MIL who is always late at everything. Of course, this is even worse for me because when I get hungry I start to lose it. Maybe it's a low blood sugar thing. I don't know, but it is just not good. So, as our 1 guest arrived, I made some cheese and crackers and sat down to socialize. It was like I put on a mask. Cheese & crackers out, hostess hat on, ready to go. I had a smile on my face and you never would've guessed I was about to lose it any second.
Not long after that we opened the wine and the rest of the day was great. Yes, I realize I'm self medicating. But honestly, it is the only thing I have for my anxiety these days. Anyway, we had a wonderful dinner. Everything tasted great, we had a nice time, played some games after dinner and laughed a lot. And that is what I'm thankful for this year, that I got through thanksgiving and was able to enjoy it.
So, I went to the store and got a tablecloth. Then after a buildup of anxiety while showering and getting ready, I realized I was starving. 2:30 is really the stupidest time to have Thanksgiving dinner. You end up skipping lunch and then being hungry way before anything is ready, especially with MIL who is always late at everything. Of course, this is even worse for me because when I get hungry I start to lose it. Maybe it's a low blood sugar thing. I don't know, but it is just not good. So, as our 1 guest arrived, I made some cheese and crackers and sat down to socialize. It was like I put on a mask. Cheese & crackers out, hostess hat on, ready to go. I had a smile on my face and you never would've guessed I was about to lose it any second.
Not long after that we opened the wine and the rest of the day was great. Yes, I realize I'm self medicating. But honestly, it is the only thing I have for my anxiety these days. Anyway, we had a wonderful dinner. Everything tasted great, we had a nice time, played some games after dinner and laughed a lot. And that is what I'm thankful for this year, that I got through thanksgiving and was able to enjoy it.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
When it hurts so bad
I'm so lost right now. I've run through so many emotions in the past few hours that I am just exhausted. I was depressed all day and then finally decided to get out of the house to go get a Big Mac and Oberweis. It seems all I can do to fight my anxiety and depression this week is eat those 2 things. I had them 3 times this week! It's ridiculous. And now they have large size shakes at Oberweiss so that makes it even worse. I'm going to be 200 lbs before I'm able to get out of this slump. I'm alone all day long with no one to interact with except a MIL who makes me completely insane. All day I'm trying to conjure up the energy and patience to deal with my 18 month old and try to somehow wean her off of nursing because it is killing me. Then BF works late and comes home for 5 minutes only to leave to go hang out with the neighbors. I mean, I can't completely blame him for that because we had sort of planned to go there together tonight and bring DD with us. But when I told him I was having such a bad day I kind of hoped he'd stay home with me. Especially after I said I didn't want to go, then I said I would, then got anxiety so bad that I started crying. He said he felt guilty and asked me if he should stay home but really, what's the point? Nothing he says makes me feel better. It just makes me feel more alone. He told me once when we first started dating, while I was feeling really depressed from my engagement, "you'll never have to feel alone again when you're with me". Well, he was more wrong than ever. At least back then I had him as my best friend to comfort me. Now I can't talk to him at all and I don't want him near me because I'm so touched out from nursing that I can't stand to have anyone touch me at all. I feel like everything is just driving me deeper and deeper into a downward spiral. It hurts so bad.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
