Fiend for You

I'm craving the feeling I had last Thursday when I went over to his house and he couldn't stop touching me, kissing my hands, and staring into my eyes. I feel like every day since then has been a let down because he just doesn't seem the same as he did that day. I mean, I sat down on the floor in his room and he just dropped down right in front of me to stare into my eyes, smiled and said, "I don't think I've ever looked at your eyes this long before...its nice." He told me that when I leave, he tries to find a spot on his pillow that smells like me so he can feel like I'm still there. When I left his house, I got into my car and screamed because I had to let out the excitement inside of me.

So, what happened to that? I want that every single day! That's why my long relationships never last, because that feeling fades. It can't be fading this fast though!

SO highschool

Agggh.. Ok, yesterday we spent the afternoon dirty texting each other and then later when I went tanning I snapped some pics in the tanning bed and sent them to him afterwards. He liked them so much that he called me back and told me they were awesome and said, "I ...am I still allowed to say I love you? ...Because [looks down at the picture text] ...I love you, babe."

So what... he only loves me when I turn him on?

Then today he texts me about noon asking if I had more pics. And when I tried to start flirting and stuff like we did yesterday he was real brief with me saying he had to go somewhere soon and didn't have time. His exact words were "don't worry about where I'm going, just get me off". So I got all salty and was like "fuck you. get yourself off." and my brain started going all crazy on me. Who the hell does he think he is that he's got it like that? I'm not going to let him have this attitude where I'm just here to turn him on and get him off. First off, our friendship is too important to be on that tip all the time. Secondly, he messed up when he told me he was in love with me so many times, because now I think that's how he really feels and he's just hiding it so I won't get attached, since I have a fiance... but why would he be treating me like just another one of his girls if he really loves me? God, this is making me feel like I'm in highschool again. So ridiculous.

Clumsy

More soundtrack to my life... Clumsy cause I'm falling in love...


"You know, this isn't the first time this has happened to me--this love sick thing. I like serious relationships and ah, A girl like me don't stay single for long. 'Cause everytime a boyfriend and I break up--my world is crushed and I'm all alone--the love bug crawls right back up and bites me ...and I'm back."

Driving Me Crazy

Ok, now who's the one going crazy? He's driving me nuts! Hearing how he feels about me makes me think I'm starting to fall in love with him. I've been trying so hard to fight it. I'm trying to be a hardass and not let it happen. But then he goes and tells me he's in love with me and I just melt. I want to be with him every second and when I'm with him I can't get enough. And now... I'm past the point of being "friends w/benefits".

I texted him to hang out on Friday and he texted me back saying he was on a date. I was like, "wtf? A date?" I thought he was in love with me. Why would he be on a date? So, then I spent the rest of the night pouting and trying to convince myself it was ok and I shouldn't make a big deal out of it. I'm engaged. He thinks we can't be together. Therefore he has to go on with his life. Its fine. ...it took me an hour to fall asleep because I was thinking about him. Then at 6am I get a call from him... he just got home, he's drunk as hell, and he wants nothing more than to tell me how madly in love with me he is and how he felt so bad telling me he was on a date, and he really just wanted to ditch her and tell me to meet him there. ...Whatever. So, I go to his house the next day and he's acting like nothing happened. He laughed when I told him what he'd said on the phone and said, "yeah, I was wasted."

Ahhrrg! I'm going nuts here! I hate thinking that he's got all these other girls. He makes me feel so wonderful. So amazing. SO special. Then something like this happens and I think to myself... he's telling me the same stuff he tells all the other girls. I've been friends with him for so long that I've seen his thought process with other girls. I've seen him several times before when he's drunk telling me, "I'm so in love with her..." about different girls he can't have. So, I should know better! I'm kicking myself right now! I keep telling myself, "you should know better! Don't let him play you like he's played all the rest. He's your best friend. You know him better than that." But I am so smitten right now that its hard not to fall into it. ...and then I think to myself, "if he doesn't feel that way about me... then why am I throwing away my marriage? Should I just forget about him and try to work things out with my fiance? Should I try to create a marriage that works?" Its just endless confusion! But he is not the reason I don't want to get married. That's one thing I know for sure. He just happens to be mixed up in it all.

So...I told myself this morning that I am not going to call or text him all week, and hopefully all weekend. It will be the first weekend we haven't spent together in a while. Of course, usually when I try not to talk to him I end up breaking that little rule after a couple days because I just can't stop myself. But we'll see.

Circle: Yes or No

I stopped by his house yesterday and could not stop smiling... even before I got there, I was so ecstatic to see him. So, we talked about New Year's Eve and laughed about the things he said and then he tells me, "I wouldn't have said them if they weren't true. There would be no reason for me to even think them if they weren't true."

..um...what?.. excuse me? No.. don't tell me that. I was fine trying to pretend those sweet nothings whispered in my ear were just drunkenness. We're friends. Best friends ...but just friends. If they're true... then my heart is melting into a giant pool of school girl mush. I feel like I just got the note back saying circle yes or no and he circled YES.

Now I really can't stop thinking about him. I dreamt about him last night and when my alarm went off and I woke up, the first song that played on the radio was Alicia Keys "No One". Its like everything in the universe is telling me to be with him. Its crazy... he makes me feel like I'm floating on a cloud. I don't remember feeling this way since I was with my ex-boyfriend about 8 years ago!! I thought no one would ever make me feel this way and the fact that its someone so close to me is just so unnexpected. I'm just going to sit back and enjoy it.

Meds & Emotions

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and told her that I hadn't started taking the stabilizing medication she wanted me to take, and how I thought I should give the Wellbutrin another month to work itself out before I made any changes. She asked me if I was having any trouble sleeping, or if my moods had been up and down a lot. When I told her everything seemed to be evening out and stable, and that my sleep patterns have been totally fine, she said, "good. Then you're not manic at all. Good job." And she said I can stick to the meds I'm on and not add the stabilizer! I'm very excited about that. It tells me that its not mania causing my confusion and emotions... that real life causes real emotions and there's nothing wrong with that at all. Sometimes its easy to forget that not everything is caused by my chemical imbalances.

She asked how the wedding plans were going and I told her...."well, they've sort of taken a turn in the opposite direction now. I'm feeling much better about myself and starting to think this guy is not THE ONE. Its weird, but the flowers, the dress, the wedding planning... none of it seems important anymore, when I used to be obsessed with it." Then she said something that I thought was pretty insightful for a woman who only sees me for 15 minutes every month and 1/2... "Maybe he was taking such good care of you when you were depressed that you didn't notice he wasn't right to marry. But now that you can take care of yourself, you realize he's not right for you."

Wash Machine Confessionals

How do I always end up on a wash machine with someone? LOL!

So...somehow my bf and I managed to steal away into a dark laundry room at the hotel on New Year's Eve while my fiance and the rest of our friends were running around the hotel socializing for the afterparty. It was wonderful! I know we had supposedly ended it... but I was really hoping I'd get to spend some time with him that night. We made out for a long time in the darkness, exchanging I love yous... I'm guessing it had to be an hour or so because after a while people started calling our phones wondering where we were. I had to try so hard not to let them hear me laughing in the background because he was telling them he got lost inside the hotel and didn't know where he was...too funny.

The next day I noticed a hickey on my neck and when I called to yell at him about it, I also got a good laugh out of telling him all the embarrassing things he said to me while we were in the dark... They say when you're drunk the truth comes out. Well, maybe... I mean, I seem to blurt out random half truths that I haven't even admitted to myself yet when I'm drunk. So, maybe he was really confessing his honest love for me. But we'll just treat it as drunkeness because there is no way the 2 of us want to think about it how true it really could be. He was telling me that he's always been in love with me, he wants to steal me away, he wants me all to himself, he wants to marry me... oh boy, the things he was saying... haha... and I absolutely loved hearing them too! It just feels so good to think that someone feels so passionately about you. ...even if it is just for a night.