Driving Me Crazy

Ok, now who's the one going crazy? He's driving me nuts! Hearing how he feels about me makes me think I'm starting to fall in love with him. I've been trying so hard to fight it. I'm trying to be a hardass and not let it happen. But then he goes and tells me he's in love with me and I just melt. I want to be with him every second and when I'm with him I can't get enough. And now... I'm past the point of being "friends w/benefits".

I texted him to hang out on Friday and he texted me back saying he was on a date. I was like, "wtf? A date?" I thought he was in love with me. Why would he be on a date? So, then I spent the rest of the night pouting and trying to convince myself it was ok and I shouldn't make a big deal out of it. I'm engaged. He thinks we can't be together. Therefore he has to go on with his life. Its fine. ...it took me an hour to fall asleep because I was thinking about him. Then at 6am I get a call from him... he just got home, he's drunk as hell, and he wants nothing more than to tell me how madly in love with me he is and how he felt so bad telling me he was on a date, and he really just wanted to ditch her and tell me to meet him there. ...Whatever. So, I go to his house the next day and he's acting like nothing happened. He laughed when I told him what he'd said on the phone and said, "yeah, I was wasted."

Ahhrrg! I'm going nuts here! I hate thinking that he's got all these other girls. He makes me feel so wonderful. So amazing. SO special. Then something like this happens and I think to myself... he's telling me the same stuff he tells all the other girls. I've been friends with him for so long that I've seen his thought process with other girls. I've seen him several times before when he's drunk telling me, "I'm so in love with her..." about different girls he can't have. So, I should know better! I'm kicking myself right now! I keep telling myself, "you should know better! Don't let him play you like he's played all the rest. He's your best friend. You know him better than that." But I am so smitten right now that its hard not to fall into it. ...and then I think to myself, "if he doesn't feel that way about me... then why am I throwing away my marriage? Should I just forget about him and try to work things out with my fiance? Should I try to create a marriage that works?" Its just endless confusion! But he is not the reason I don't want to get married. That's one thing I know for sure. He just happens to be mixed up in it all.

So...I told myself this morning that I am not going to call or text him all week, and hopefully all weekend. It will be the first weekend we haven't spent together in a while. Of course, usually when I try not to talk to him I end up breaking that little rule after a couple days because I just can't stop myself. But we'll see.