How Confusing Can It Get?

If this gets any more confusing I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. First off, my affair is becoming way too obvious to the people around me. And why? Because I can't stop myself when I think of him. I have to find out where he is and go there to be with him. I spend the night at his house every Friday and usually stay there pretty late one day during the week too. I don't know where my emotions are taking me... am I falling in love? For real? I can't accept that. I can't believe it even if it is real! It just can't be.

Then there's the fact that I keep feeling like he's playing me. I mean, he and I are closer than I've ever been with another one of my guy friends--or boyfriends or fiance for that matter--and I trust that he wouldn't do that to me. But at the same time... he still thinks I'm getting married and we could never be together. He still thinks "us" is only temporary. So why wouldn't he be playing me just to get what he can while its available?

So what is it that makes me feel like he's playing me? Its his history: habits of dating unavailable girls, patterns of always hooking back up with "old friends" when they just happen to break up with their boyfriend, and picking back up right where he left off with his old flames ... its the same thing I've always had with him. He's always been the one I run to when my relationship is falling apart, and he's always been the first one I cheat with... which I'm assuming is what happened with the other girls too. He had another date this weekend...yeah, yeah I know. He has to keep up the facade so people don't think our time together means anything. I think I'm the one who's messing that up, so its probably good that he's keeping up the front. But... Friday I spent the night with him where we stayed up until dawn...how do I put this?... f*king. Then on Saturday night he "met up with an old friend" who was still laying next to him at 2 am Sunday.

I just can't take it. How could he stay up till dawn with me one night and then do whatever he might have done with her the next night? I get so jealous! So confused! I don't remember ever getting this way with my fiance when I knew he was hanging out with a girl. It was always like, "yeah whatever... I'm not worried about it. He's not going anywhere." But with him its like I know he can get any girl he wants and I'm scared he'll find "the one" and he won't need me anymore. I want to be the one. He makes me feel like I'm the only one he's ever really loved even with all the previous girls...so why not? I guess its kind of a double standard since I've always been with someone else and I technically still am, so how can I expect him not to try and find someone? Its understandable. I've had days where I was with him in the morning, and then I went home and was with my boyfriend at the time or fiance in the afternoon. That's 2 guys in one day! Yes, I understand its a little extreme or slutty if that's what you want to call it... but that's what happened on occasion. So, why... if I can do it... is it so hard for me to accept that he might be doing it too? I think I really need to detach myself from him because this whole situation is starting to drive me insane. Time to take a step back and chill for a while... sort things out without love, lust, or infatuation in the way.