The Queens and I

Last night my Grandma passed away. As my mom describes it, she sat beside Grandma holding her arm as "she gave a few last gasps for air. Her pulse slowed to a stop and her skin went cold." It meant so much to me that she called me her "special girl". Out of the first 4 grandchildren born into our family, I was the 4th and the very first girl. Both my grandparents held me in the hospital and were so proud, as it was the first time they had ever been able to hold a newborn. Back in the days when they had their children you weren't allowed to do that... I should have been close to her. I should have taken the time to get to know her more, but I didn't and I feel bad for that.

I'm saddened about her death but my general demeanor is unchanged as is the usual when we have a death in the family. I no longer question that. Its just the way I am and how my brain reacts to it initally. It made me think about my mom though. She said the experience of sitting with Grandma as she died was surreal and that it was messing with her head a little bit. I worry about my mom so much. Sometimes she seems so unstable from my perspective. I worry that she'll lose her job again due to her mental instability, as has happened in the past. If anything happens to her I am not even close to being financially stable enough to support her, and her husband never has been. Thank god they had her pension and 401k to draw from when she was unemployed before. ...All I want is for her to be happy and not have to struggle through life. I wish I could provide that for her.