Anxiety Attack!!!

2:00pm-I'm fucking having an anxiety attack. The president of our company just called me while I was in the middle of writing out another blog explaining the rollercoast of emotions I've been on the last 2 days and started asking me all these questions to which I don't have the answer and there's no reason I would have the answer to begin with. I feel like I'm shaking, my eyes are starting to well up and my heart is pounding.

Is this my fucking period? Why did it come yesterday? Its at least a week early! I don't understand. I'm not supposed to be feeling this way. I thought I was happy now. My meds are supposed to be making me happy now!!! Wtf? I fucking hate anxiety.. I think I have to go home. I can't stay here like this I'll fucking freak out.....

I've been questioning everything. I'm doubting my wedding. I don't know why Mike is even with me. He makes me feel like I'm worthless and could be replaced by a dog, by saying that I'm lazy and don't clean for shit. I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

2:19pm--My head is spinning. My chest is tight, I'm almost short of breath. My abs are tight, like I'm holding them in for crunches on purpose. I ran out to the car to get my CDs b/c I remember when I used to have anxiety all the time I made myself a note to listen to soothing music. As I was running out there I was thinking, "what did I always listen to then? What was it?.... Brandy & Christina!" So, I grabbed them and went back to my desk to try and focus on staying under control. I think I'm maintaining pretty well on the outside. The music seems to be helping. But I feel like I'm trapped in an invisible bubble that only stretches as long as my elbows and if anyone comes up and talks to me I'm just going to freak out or freeze up and give them the deer in headlights look.

3:13pm--Hahaha...ok, I find this funny. I just listened to the whole Brandy CD. I've calmed down imensely. I feel a lot more collected, and I even offered to help my friend with something she was working on, which means I'm able to focus again and comprehend things. ...and.... I just got a call from my bf inviting me to have a "lovely" dinner and watch a movie tonight instead of going out drinking for 50 cent draft night. Things are looking up. Its so adorable that he asks me to come over for dinner and a movie. Now, if only I could get past the fact that my fiance is mad at me for telling him I was going out for drinks tonight with one of my girlfriends (which I really was planning on doing and coming home by 9 or 10!)... then I might be able to make dinner and a movie. But if not, then I think I'd better stay home.

...I also find it funny that best friend and boyfriend have the same abbreviation. So, when I type bf thinking best friend, I read it back later and it reads boyfriend. ha!