Totally Confused

I don't know what's going on now. I feel like I let myself get too wrapped up in this intensity with my best friend. I think about him constantly, I make a point to go out on the weekends in hopes that I'll meet up with him and end up going home with him. But when I don't talk to him for 3 days he never attempts to contact me. So, maybe he's really not as interested as I thought. The other day he said to me, "We have to talk." and I thought I knew what he meant, so I said, "Yeah, I know... and we need to not be drunk when we do talk because I say way too much when I'm drunk." He replied, "Yeah, I know." So, I texted him the next day to ask him if this talk was important enough that it needed to be soon, and maybe we could do dinner that night. But he said no, it can be whenever. So...I'm so confused. At my family Christmas party I was picturing him there instead of my fiance. I kept thinking, "how would he fit in here instead of FI." And I wasn't sure that he would be the perfect match either... so its not like I'm looking for someone to replace my fiance and step into that role right away. I just love being with my bf. I don't expect anything from him but that he want to be with me just as much. No commitment, no strings, just love. But maybe I'm in too deep and he sees that now, and he wants to run.

So, I'm totally disinterested in my marriage, and now I'm going to lose my best friend too. Maybe its PMS talking... I don't really know. Its funny how I always have a hunch that it might be PMS when I get really emotional. I just feel like I am always messing things up. Getting married was the only good thing I had going for me. Within the past 4 days, two other girls I know have become engaged, and family is giving me Christmas gifts that are appropriate for married couples. That makes me feel even more like I'm supposed to be getting married. But now I'm just so turned off by it. There's so much missing that I had ignored before. Did I just give up on what I really wanted out of love because I had been depressed? I can't believe that I would do that. I'm a dreamer. How could I just give up on romance?