Playing Games

So, I was thinking... maybe what I'll do is flirt with him whenever I see him, the same way I usually do. Then wait for him to come to me when he can't take it anymore. If he wants me that bad he'll eventually give in. Or maybe I'll try to get really close with this new girl and find a way to drive them apart. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right?

Why do I feel the need to play games with him? Is it because I know we can't be together? Is it because I want to get back at him for getting inside my head? I don't know really. I just know that I'm watching what I eat now and trying to get in a habit of working out so I can lose weight and get hot by Summer. Then I'll be able to wear a lot less clothing than I've worn in the past few years and he will not be able to resist me. Bwwahahaha...

Oh man, sometimes I can't believe the weird stuff that goes through my head.

Lessons

Just because someone makes you feel a way you've never felt before, doesn't mean you have to be with them, or that you should be with them. It just means its something new.

Chillax

Finally, I've chilled out a little bit. Today was good. I didn't have any anxiety really. I wasn't thinking too much about him. I was more productive at work. Nice! I had a few thoughts about him and if I want to talk to him about things or just back off for a while. I thought to myself, "I think I can go back to just being friends if that's what I have to do. I mean, I'd rather have that than nothing, right? So, ok.. I'm just gonna chill and see what happens."

I'll give it till the weekend... then we'll see.

The Wonder Years

Tell me why I've spent the entire afternoon reading quotes from that stupid TV show. This one reminds me of the night he got his black eye.

And then I kissed her, on the eye, and then she kissed me, on the eye.

But the thing is, that was all we did. Maybe it was happening too fast. Maybe we wanted to hold on to what we had. Or maybe we both knew there were other things we had to find before we found each other. All we really knew for sure was, as we sat there, looking out over the lights of the town where we had grown up together, it all felt right. It all felt...perfect.

I am so ridiculous. Like I said before... this whole thing makes me feel like I'm in highschool again.

Ten Years in the Making

Ok, as if this couldn't get any more confusing and stressful, it just seems to keep getting worse... He has now gone on 2 dates with the girl he had a crush on all through childhood, who just happened to be back around the neighborhood now--10 years later. I wasn't worried about it at first. I thought she was just another cover up girl. But when I heard the history behind it I freaked out. I tried to look her up on Myspace and couldn't find her. I kept thinking she was this gorgeous little Latina girl with big boobs, tiny waist, and a big ass--judging by her name and the way he'd talked about her in the past. He never really talked about how she looked, but it was the way he was dying to see a pic of her and had me look her up on myspace once... I figured she was hot as hell. Then I went out Saturday night with the girls, and he called me to come meet up where he was hanging out with the guys with her. So, I decided to go. I had to see what all the hype was about. I get there and meet her and she is this little paler-than-me white girl who really didn't even seem that pretty. I was expecting SO much more. I can't believe this is the girl he'd been talking about whenever he mentioned her before. So of course, I leaned over to my girl friend, laughed and said, "I'm ok now. Not threatened at all."

But as the night went on that feeling went away as I noticed how non-existent I was to him. He was all about her... talking to her all night, had his arms around her, she was sitting on his lap, kissing him... and every time I looked at them I got a sick feeling in my stomach. I get that just thinking about it now. I was talking to one of our guy friends most of the night and he told me, "That's his Winnie Cooper. Its ten years in the making... he told me they picked up right where they left off when they were kids. He's Kevin!" (excuse me while I hurl...blahhhh). And the few times he did come talk to me he was like, "what... you don't talk to me anymore?" and wanted me to give him a kiss on the cheek. Did he not know what he was doing to me?!

His date did sit down next to me and talk for a while. That was interesting. I'm assuming she was pretty drunk... either that or just really stupid. She kept repeating the same short sentences over and over. I swear she and FI would be perfect for each other! She was telling me, "I haven't seen him since I was 12 and I'm 24 now. We always had a crush on each other but we were shy kids and didn't know what to do. Now we're grown and its like we picked up right where we left off." I wanted to push her right off the counter where we were sitting and say, "Listen bitch! You left 10 years ago...that's right when I met him. I've been here for the last 10 years and if anything, I deserve to be his Winnie Cooper! Fuck you and your 6th grade crush. I've been here through everything with him. He's not that shy little boy you knew. You probably don't even know what a player he's been the whole time, what bad things he's gotten into through the years, or what he wants to do with his future. You don't know anything about his life now! Go back to where you came from and leave me where I left off."

This is How my Brain Works

How many blog entries can I have in one day? There's too much chaos going on in here!

I feel like I'm going through 2 breakups at once. I can't have him even if I call it off with FI. So, I'm setting myself up for failure! Yet again, like with everything else in life. Its only natural right? If you carry on 2 relationships you're bound to have 2 breakups. But usually you have one to fall back on for awhile and then maybe the other to fall back on again later. But not both at once. Its killing me inside. The stress has broken down my immune system so that I caught a flu that's going around. I thought I was better after a day, but as soon as I get stressed again I feel like I'm going to puke, my head spins, I'm dizzy. I should've known I was putting myself in this predicament. But I tried to follow my heart. Maybe my heart is self destructive... a masochist maybe. I think I need to go home and lay down.

The Plot Thickens

I was desperately trying to fall asleep last night but my mind would not settle down from all this chaos and confusion in my relationship. I was thinking about what I needed to say to him and how he might respond. I pictured myself saying, "your friendship is the most important thing to me and I don't ever want to not have you in my life." And then it dawned on me. I thought about the saying I'd read earlier in the day and then heard someone say on TV as well:

"Love is not about finding someone you can live with. Its about finding the one you cannot live without."

My eyes opened suddenly and I thought, he's the one I can't live without. Oh my god. I never thought of it that way before and now I'm seeing it. Is it true? I may want him in my life forever but that doesn't mean he's the one. Right?

What is...

How Confusing Can It Get?

If this gets any more confusing I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. First off, my affair is becoming way too obvious to the people around me. And why? Because I can't stop myself when I think of him. I have to find out where he is and go there to be with him. I spend the night at his house every Friday and usually stay there pretty late one day during the week too. I don't know where my emotions are taking me... am I falling in love? For real? I can't accept that. I can't believe it even if it is real! It just can't be.

Then there's the fact that I keep feeling like he's playing me. I mean, he and I are closer than I've ever been with another one of my guy friends--or boyfriends or fiance for that matter--and I trust that he wouldn't do that to me. But at the same time... he still thinks I'm getting married and we could never be together. He still thinks "us" is only temporary. So why wouldn't he be playing me just to get what he can while its available?

So what is it that makes me feel like he's playing me? Its his history: habits of dating unavailable girls, patterns of always hooking back up with "old friends" when they just happen to break up with their boyfriend, and picking back up right where he left off with his old flames ... its the same thing I've always had with him. He's always been the one I run to when my relationship is falling apart, and he's always been the first one I cheat with... which I'm assuming is what happened with the other girls too. He had another date this weekend...yeah, yeah I know. He has to keep up the facade so people don't think our time together means anything. I think I'm the one who's messing that up, so its probably good that he's keeping up the front. But... Friday I spent the night with him where we stayed up until dawn...how do I put this?... f*king. Then on Saturday night he "met up with an old friend" who was still laying next to him at 2 am Sunday.

I just can't take it. How could he stay up till dawn with me one night and then do whatever he might have done with her the next night? I get so jealous! So confused! I don't remember ever getting this way with my fiance when I knew he was hanging out with a girl. It was always like, "yeah whatever... I'm not worried about it. He's not going anywhere." But with him its like I know he can get any girl he wants and I'm scared he'll find "the one" and he won't need me anymore. I want to be the one. He makes me feel like I'm the only one he's ever really loved even with all the previous girls...so why not? I guess its kind of a double standard since I've always been with someone else and I technically still am, so how can I expect him not to try and find someone? Its understandable. I've had days where I was with him in the morning, and then I went home and was with my boyfriend at the time or fiance in the afternoon. That's 2 guys in one day! Yes, I understand its a little extreme or slutty if that's what you want to call it... but that's what happened on occasion. So, why... if I can do it... is it so hard for me to accept that he might be doing it too? I think I really need to detach myself from him because this whole situation is starting to drive me insane. Time to take a step back and chill for a while... sort things out without love, lust, or infatuation in the way.

Falling...

The kind of love you wish for all the time. The kind of love you care so much about preserving that you'll do anything to make it last. The kind of love that inspires you to be the person you've always wanted to be and accomplish things you only dreamed about, instead of distracting you from them and getting in the way of your goals. I don't think I've ever known love could do that.

Mixtape

He made me a CD yesterday... well, I asked him to because I'm going to a concert and haven't heard many of the songs that will be performed. When I got to his house to pick it up he played his favorite song for me. I wasn't really listening but I noticed the song title--Never Been In Love--so I asked him "Do you actually listen to the lyrics of songs or do you just listen to the beat? I figure guys don't pay attention to the lyrics. That's more of a girl thing to be all into the words." He looked straight at me and smiled. "No, I listen to the lyrics. It has to have a good beat, but I definitely pay attention to the lyrics." When I got in the car I fast forwarded my CD to the track he'd played so I could really listen to it. Another melting moment... my heart turned to mush. I texted him right away: "Is track 15 really your favorite song? Or u just trying to make sure I listen 2 it closely?" His answer was slightly confusing but just enough of what I'd hope he say, "It really is. I play it repeatedly. But yes, its a relevant song." So, what message is he sending to me?

I don't care what people say
As long as you and me okay
Because I never been in love before
See I use to be a player and
All of this is new to me
And this ain't what I'm used to see
Because I never been in love before

...But he is now.

Blah...

I'm kinda irritable today. Its really cold outside, which makes it cold here in the office too. I have my coat and scarf on, and a blanket over my legs. I don't feel like working. I'd rather be home snuggled under a blanket watching movies with my cats. I need to get some more movies at home. Maybe I'll rent some this week.

For some reason today, I'm thinking things like... am I a total ass for wanting to break up with FI? I know that BF can't be "the one" because he doesn't have all the qualities I would really like to find in a man. So, what am I doing? Am I just being an idiot or am I doing the right thing? Especially if FI is taking steps to better himself and his life. That should make me want to stick it out and see if we can make it work, right? Well, I don't know. Probably not.

Must be the crankiness that's got my head all twisted. Its kind of annoying that I can't just NOT think about that stuff. It would be nice if I just thought about nothing for a change.

Fiend for You

I'm craving the feeling I had last Thursday when I went over to his house and he couldn't stop touching me, kissing my hands, and staring into my eyes. I feel like every day since then has been a let down because he just doesn't seem the same as he did that day. I mean, I sat down on the floor in his room and he just dropped down right in front of me to stare into my eyes, smiled and said, "I don't think I've ever looked at your eyes this long before...its nice." He told me that when I leave, he tries to find a spot on his pillow that smells like me so he can feel like I'm still there. When I left his house, I got into my car and screamed because I had to let out the excitement inside of me.

So, what happened to that? I want that every single day! That's why my long relationships never last, because that feeling fades. It can't be fading this fast though!

SO highschool

Agggh.. Ok, yesterday we spent the afternoon dirty texting each other and then later when I went tanning I snapped some pics in the tanning bed and sent them to him afterwards. He liked them so much that he called me back and told me they were awesome and said, "I ...am I still allowed to say I love you? ...Because [looks down at the picture text] ...I love you, babe."

So what... he only loves me when I turn him on?

Then today he texts me about noon asking if I had more pics. And when I tried to start flirting and stuff like we did yesterday he was real brief with me saying he had to go somewhere soon and didn't have time. His exact words were "don't worry about where I'm going, just get me off". So I got all salty and was like "fuck you. get yourself off." and my brain started going all crazy on me. Who the hell does he think he is that he's got it like that? I'm not going to let him have this attitude where I'm just here to turn him on and get him off. First off, our friendship is too important to be on that tip all the time. Secondly, he messed up when he told me he was in love with me so many times, because now I think that's how he really feels and he's just hiding it so I won't get attached, since I have a fiance... but why would he be treating me like just another one of his girls if he really loves me? God, this is making me feel like I'm in highschool again. So ridiculous.

Clumsy

More soundtrack to my life... Clumsy cause I'm falling in love...


"You know, this isn't the first time this has happened to me--this love sick thing. I like serious relationships and ah, A girl like me don't stay single for long. 'Cause everytime a boyfriend and I break up--my world is crushed and I'm all alone--the love bug crawls right back up and bites me ...and I'm back."

Driving Me Crazy

Ok, now who's the one going crazy? He's driving me nuts! Hearing how he feels about me makes me think I'm starting to fall in love with him. I've been trying so hard to fight it. I'm trying to be a hardass and not let it happen. But then he goes and tells me he's in love with me and I just melt. I want to be with him every second and when I'm with him I can't get enough. And now... I'm past the point of being "friends w/benefits".

I texted him to hang out on Friday and he texted me back saying he was on a date. I was like, "wtf? A date?" I thought he was in love with me. Why would he be on a date? So, then I spent the rest of the night pouting and trying to convince myself it was ok and I shouldn't make a big deal out of it. I'm engaged. He thinks we can't be together. Therefore he has to go on with his life. Its fine. ...it took me an hour to fall asleep because I was thinking about him. Then at 6am I get a call from him... he just got home, he's drunk as hell, and he wants nothing more than to tell me how madly in love with me he is and how he felt so bad telling me he was on a date, and he really just wanted to ditch her and tell me to meet him there. ...Whatever. So, I go to his house the next day and he's acting like nothing happened. He laughed when I told him what he'd said on the phone and said, "yeah, I was wasted."

Ahhrrg! I'm going nuts here! I hate thinking that he's got all these other girls. He makes me feel so wonderful. So amazing. SO special. Then something like this happens and I think to myself... he's telling me the same stuff he tells all the other girls. I've been friends with him for so long that I've seen his thought process with other girls. I've seen him several times before when he's drunk telling me, "I'm so in love with her..." about different girls he can't have. So, I should know better! I'm kicking myself right now! I keep telling myself, "you should know better! Don't let him play you like he's played all the rest. He's your best friend. You know him better than that." But I am so smitten right now that its hard not to fall into it. ...and then I think to myself, "if he doesn't feel that way about me... then why am I throwing away my marriage? Should I just forget about him and try to work things out with my fiance? Should I try to create a marriage that works?" Its just endless confusion! But he is not the reason I don't want to get married. That's one thing I know for sure. He just happens to be mixed up in it all.

So...I told myself this morning that I am not going to call or text him all week, and hopefully all weekend. It will be the first weekend we haven't spent together in a while. Of course, usually when I try not to talk to him I end up breaking that little rule after a couple days because I just can't stop myself. But we'll see.

Circle: Yes or No

I stopped by his house yesterday and could not stop smiling... even before I got there, I was so ecstatic to see him. So, we talked about New Year's Eve and laughed about the things he said and then he tells me, "I wouldn't have said them if they weren't true. There would be no reason for me to even think them if they weren't true."

..um...what?.. excuse me? No.. don't tell me that. I was fine trying to pretend those sweet nothings whispered in my ear were just drunkenness. We're friends. Best friends ...but just friends. If they're true... then my heart is melting into a giant pool of school girl mush. I feel like I just got the note back saying circle yes or no and he circled YES.

Now I really can't stop thinking about him. I dreamt about him last night and when my alarm went off and I woke up, the first song that played on the radio was Alicia Keys "No One". Its like everything in the universe is telling me to be with him. Its crazy... he makes me feel like I'm floating on a cloud. I don't remember feeling this way since I was with my ex-boyfriend about 8 years ago!! I thought no one would ever make me feel this way and the fact that its someone so close to me is just so unnexpected. I'm just going to sit back and enjoy it.

Meds & Emotions

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and told her that I hadn't started taking the stabilizing medication she wanted me to take, and how I thought I should give the Wellbutrin another month to work itself out before I made any changes. She asked me if I was having any trouble sleeping, or if my moods had been up and down a lot. When I told her everything seemed to be evening out and stable, and that my sleep patterns have been totally fine, she said, "good. Then you're not manic at all. Good job." And she said I can stick to the meds I'm on and not add the stabilizer! I'm very excited about that. It tells me that its not mania causing my confusion and emotions... that real life causes real emotions and there's nothing wrong with that at all. Sometimes its easy to forget that not everything is caused by my chemical imbalances.

She asked how the wedding plans were going and I told her...."well, they've sort of taken a turn in the opposite direction now. I'm feeling much better about myself and starting to think this guy is not THE ONE. Its weird, but the flowers, the dress, the wedding planning... none of it seems important anymore, when I used to be obsessed with it." Then she said something that I thought was pretty insightful for a woman who only sees me for 15 minutes every month and 1/2... "Maybe he was taking such good care of you when you were depressed that you didn't notice he wasn't right to marry. But now that you can take care of yourself, you realize he's not right for you."

Wash Machine Confessionals

How do I always end up on a wash machine with someone? LOL!

So...somehow my bf and I managed to steal away into a dark laundry room at the hotel on New Year's Eve while my fiance and the rest of our friends were running around the hotel socializing for the afterparty. It was wonderful! I know we had supposedly ended it... but I was really hoping I'd get to spend some time with him that night. We made out for a long time in the darkness, exchanging I love yous... I'm guessing it had to be an hour or so because after a while people started calling our phones wondering where we were. I had to try so hard not to let them hear me laughing in the background because he was telling them he got lost inside the hotel and didn't know where he was...too funny.

The next day I noticed a hickey on my neck and when I called to yell at him about it, I also got a good laugh out of telling him all the embarrassing things he said to me while we were in the dark... They say when you're drunk the truth comes out. Well, maybe... I mean, I seem to blurt out random half truths that I haven't even admitted to myself yet when I'm drunk. So, maybe he was really confessing his honest love for me. But we'll just treat it as drunkeness because there is no way the 2 of us want to think about it how true it really could be. He was telling me that he's always been in love with me, he wants to steal me away, he wants me all to himself, he wants to marry me... oh boy, the things he was saying... haha... and I absolutely loved hearing them too! It just feels so good to think that someone feels so passionately about you. ...even if it is just for a night.