2008 Recap

So, what happened this year? What was I focused on? Was I happy? Was it a good year?

Well, I thought I'd started off the year pretty focused on making myself happier. I broke off my engagement to FI and began a new romance with my Best Friend. I worked with my doctor to adjust my medication and wasn't feeling as depressed as I had been the year before. I was spending more time on hobbies that I enjoyed and trying to get some direction in life. I was extremely happy with BF and the way things were moving along sort of quickly but still in a somewhat smart and cautious way. Then the end of Summer comes and I get knocked up, sick, depressed, and pretty freaked out! Since then I've been doing pretty well. I have to admit, I think the pregnancy has really thrown a wrench in the works as far as the progress I felt I'd been making at the beginning of the year. I'm not who I want to be at all right now. But I just keep reminding myself that once I get through this and the baby comes, that will be my opportunity to get myself back on track. I definitely think I'm going to have to get back on my meds so I feel like myself again. Even with the meds I know I wouldn't feel completely normal again now because of all the physical changes I'm dealing with. So I'd like to try and do the whole pregnancy without them.

All in all... I think it was a pretty good year. I love BF and am looking forward to all the things we have yet to experience together. I'm excited to meet our baby girl!! I know everything is going to be a challenge but I am happy to be sharing it with him.

What do I want for next year?
A house of our own
A new and better job
Some sense of financial security
Time to dedicate to studying or practicing art/design
More Energy
More Happiness
Health for my loved ones

Miss You

I was starting to get a little sick of BF from all traveling to visit relatives and driving back and forth every week from my house to his. I was tired of being so busy all the time, so this week I decided to stay home instead of going to stay with him. He didn't like it at all. He wanted to see me and couldn't tell me enough that he missed me. Meanwhile, I was like..."eh, whatever. You'll see me again soon enough." But after having a weekend without him, I'm missing him again. It feels good. I can't wait to see him again and I hope we get to do some fun Christmasy things together.

Blogging Family Matters

Ok, so my uncle has been doing this microblog all year which he texts by phone to everyone each Friday. He lists family birthdays and events and current happenings. At first I was happy to get them because it helped me stay up to date with the family, until I realized the news was selective and didn't include everyone in the family. Apparently, nothing I do is ever worthy of making the blog. I've seen stupid details about everyone elses lives in there but never a mention of the life events I'm experiencing. When I moved back in with Mom he didn't put anything in there until I complained about not making the blog. But after that it was back to not mentioning me... or my mom for that matter who just started school again for her 4th degree. I think that's a blog worthy event. What's the deal? Are our lives not important? I announced my pregnancy 3 weeks ago and it still has not been mentioned in his blog. Yet this morning he made a special Monday blog announcing the engagement of a cousin's best friend...someone totally unrelated to us! What the hell? Is it because my pregnancy is out of wedlock? Is it because its with a boyfriend that nobody knows that well yet? Seriously, why can't we get any recognition?

Holiday Tears

I know I've written about all of this before, but just to review....After the whole wedding fiasco--breaking off the wedding and breaking up with my fiance for BF--I couldn't afford to live in my apartment alone anymore so I moved in with my mom. Living here has been really hard for me for a lot of reasons. But today I feel especially sad. I wanted to decorate the the house for Christmas, so I pulled out all the boxes and started going through them to see what of Mom's I could use and what of mine I could use. I had forgotten how special Christmas time had always been to FI and I. Up until last year the holidays had always been our favorite time of year to spend together. So, upon opening up those boxes I was finding all the ornaments I'd bought for us--a new one for each year we were together--a red leather picture frame and photo album with pictures of us having fun in the snow downtown, stockings with our names and little ones with our kitties names on them. It just made me think... we had so much fun together. What happened? What did I do? Did I mess that all up by getting involved with BF? I miss FI. I feel so bad for everything that happened and wish it didn't work out the way it did. But I also feel that no one I've ever been with has been as right for me as BF is now. I have to remember that. But its hard at times like this.

I think part of this sadness is the fact that I'm here at my mom's. Maybe if BF and I had our own place I'd feel a little better because we would be able to share in all the things I like to do with my loved one at the holidays. ...then again, I also feel weird about that because I basically just switched one guy out for another one. Its like all I have to do is switch the pictures and names on all my cute Christmas stuff and pretend everything is normal. Afterall, that's what I did right? I just replaced one with the other. It all just makes me feel emotional and confused. I think I'll go bake some cookies to try and take my mind off it.

Baby Updates - 2nd Trimester

I'm in a bit of a bloggers block lately. I don't really have the time to blog often and whenever I do find myself bored at work I end up browsing for Christmas presents. I guess I'm not really feeling the inspiration to blog like I used to. But it is time for an update...

I'm feeling so much better these days! My sickness has gone away for the most part, things are going better at work, and I'm starting to feel like a happy-go-lucky preggers girl. I'm still not really "showing" though. I'm eating so much more now that I feel better and I've kind of been hoping that would help the baby grow because I feel like I should be popping out by now. I don't think its working though. I have my 20 week ultrasound in 11 days. I can't wait to find out if its a boy or a girl! I had an unscheduled ultrasound a couple weeks ago because I got freaked out by spotting. Up until then I had felt like it was a boy. But the ultrasound tech said she thought she saw girl parts. So, I'm eager to find out for sure. BF isn't sure if he wants to know yet but that's only because he wants a boy and doesn't know how to react if its a girl. It kind of makes me sad like "you really can't grasp the concept of having a girl?" I know he's an amazing person and that he'll be a great father either way but right now he has these ideas in his head like, "I can't stand the color pink. I don't want to see Barbies all over the house. What am I going to do with a girl?" I just want him to get over himself and be excited about the possibility of a girl or a boy.

We made a big decision the other day. Up until now we hadn't really discussed our living situation too much. We knew we wanted to be together but that we didn't really have the money to do it on our own. So, BF was pretty convinced that we'd have to stay at his mom's house with the baby for a while, maybe a year, in order to get our finances in order and be ready to move out. Nobody liked this idea. His mom didn't want us there. I wouldn't be comfortable. There's not enough room there for my stuff, let alone both of us and a baby. It just wasn't a good idea at all. But he insisted that it was our only option since my mom lives so far away from both of our jobs so we couldn't stay with her. Then one Saturday morning his mom woke up while we were cooking breakfast and immediately got on his case about bills and money issues. It turned into a huge argument. He was really upset and while I was comforting him I couldn't help but tell him what had been on my mind all week even before any of that happened. "I need us to have our own place." I was surprised when he quickly answered back, "Yeah, I know baby. We'll get our own place. Staying here wouldn't be good for any of us. We'll talk about it and start looking after the holidays."

So, we talked about it a little more because I wanted him to really see where I was coming from and not think it was just because of the argument. I told him that its very important to me that I have my own space where I can feel at home because I've moved around so much over the last 10 years that I know what its like not to have that. Also, it wouldn't be fair to his mom to just tell her we're at since we pgoing to stay there when she specifically said, "You can't live here. I'm not raising a baby" and she has her own life to live without us getting in the way. Not to mention my mom's opinion on it being that it would be unfair to her because any time she wanted to visit us and see the baby she'd also be intruding on BF's mom. ...in the end BF made me very happy. He suggested throbably wouldn't be able to afford much more than a 2 bedroom apartment, we make the 2nd room an art studio/nursery so that I could be with the baby and do the things I love all in the same space. Knowing that I've been struggling with things lately--not having time for myself or energy to do the things I enjoy--it was the most thoughtful thing he could've said. So, until the baby is old enough to start getting into things I think that would be the perfect idea for a 2nd room. ...and I love BF for being so wonderful.

Work Hell

Today I was bombarded with an "unauthorized" meeting called by the lady who sits next to me and is supposed to be training me in my new position at work. I feel like they're setting me up for failure here. They know I'm struggling, but they keep telling me I'm not doing enough or I'm not making a big enough effort. I've told them that I'm having a hard time but they refuse to help me out and give me work that I know I could do without problems. Instead they keep trying to push me to master the new position and get to where they want me to be. I wanted to scream today. It took every ounce of me not to be like, "I don't tell anyone this, but part of the problem is not only the pregnancy effecting my focus and memory, but I'm off the medications that I used to take to get me through each day here. I never had so much anxiety before I came to work here, and now I have nothing to help me through it." But instead I just sat silently because I had absolutely no idea what to say. I can't say any of the things I want to say to them because they'll use them against me. From the looks of it, they're heading towards firing me. I wish they would just do it already so I could collect the unemployment and not have to go through torture in the meantime. My paychecks are half of what they used to be now for some reason, too. I know I've been missing time due to being sick and having to leave to go to the doctor, but it just doesn't seem like they should be that low. At this rate, I want to say I'd be better off without this job but the way the economy is, it would be hard to find something else... especially being pregnant and needing the insurance and maternity leave pay. I'm so fucking miserable here. If ever there was a time when I wished I could win the lottery, it's now more than ever.

The Joys of Working While Pregnant

Ok, so not only did I get a "talking to" about my attendance while I was in my first trimester misery but they documented the meeting and had me sign off on it. Now that I'm into my 2nd trimester, I'm actually able to be at work more. So the attendance isn't as big of a problem at the moment. ...now the problem is that I'm tired, forget things, make mistakes easily and just don't feel like working! So, what now? They're going to keep a record of the tasks I do daily to make sure everything's getting done. WTF!? Can't they just leave me alone and let me work at my own pace? Its bad enough I have to be in this hell hole, learning a job that I never wanted to get into, surrounded by people I can't stand, with no choice but to stay because I need the insurance and the maternity leave pay. It hard enough for me to get through the day without having to deal with them bringing up reason's I'm not living up to my potential. Assholes!

Damn The Man!!!

I can't fricking believe this. After weeks of trying to verify my voters registration, going on every website and calling every number I could find... I just found out that I am in fact NOT registered to vote. For months I've been posting Myspace bulletins reminding people to register with links to help them do it and tips for voting day and now... ironically... as someone at the Election Board's office told me, I'm "S.O.L." I can't even vote on a provisional ballot because the vote will be thrown out once they verify that I am not an active registered voter. ARRRG! I am so pissed! The last time I voted, I went to the place I thought I was supposed to vote and they said I had to go to the next town over since I had moved. I wonder if that vote even counted! I bet that one got thrown out too. WTF? Why do I always have so much trouble with anything involving my address? Millions of people move around frequently, they can't all be screwed out of things because of their address change. The sad part is that I bet this is all my fault. I can't remember registering to vote. I remember going to the Vote For Change website and starting to fill out some sort of forms. But I don't remember anything else and I never got any emails confirming what I did. I bet my dumbass ran into some kind of glitch where I hit a "process" button and nothing happened, so I just decided to try again later but ultimately forgot... kind of like the traffic court dates I missed at the end of last year and the fines I forgot to pay. What is my problem? Even so, just because I had trouble registering doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to vote. I bet there are thousands of people who aren't smart enough to register properly or on time... should they all be denied their rights as American citizens? It just doesn't seem fair.

Doom and Gloom

I miss my happiness. It seems that since I became pregnant its been nothing but doom and gloom for me. I want to be happy, I really do! A lady at the pharmacy congratulated me on Friday and told me I don't look pregnant. That made me kind of cheerful. Of course, when I'm with BF I'm 180% better. I'm happy and I seem to feel less sick. I needed that so much over the weekend since I was sick ALL of last week. I felt like I'd never get healthy again. Then over the weekend when I was with BF my cold started to go away, I felt a little better, and I actually had a good time hanging out with friends. Now I'm back to work and I was already in the bathroom crying this morning, and now I'm almost crying again thinking about all of this. I can pretty much bet that if I could get back on my Meds I'd be back to normal. But it doesn't look like my stomach's getting any tougher so I don't think I'd be able to handle digesting them. I just don't know what to do in the meantime.

Mood Swings, Medication, & Hormones, ...Oh my!

I'm disgusted by my coworkers, can't stand my job or the company anymore, oversensitive to friends comments about anything... I spaz out when I have to think about making plans for traveling during the holidays. I'm a complete mess! Yesterday I posted a Myspace Blog about how much I hate my job and such--pretty much just venting--and people commented back as if they were offended by my negativity... "At least you have a steady job." ..which in turn made me even more pissed off and want to be like, "You just don't get it!" I'm not ready to tell people about my pregnancy yet, but in the meantime my whole personality is changing and from the outside it must seem like I'm a horrible person. I wish I could just say to everyone, "Look people, I'M PREGNANT! So, not only am I hormonal... But the anti-depressants I've been dependant on for anxiety and depression since I was 18 years old...I can't take them! Despite my doctors opinion that they won't hurt the baby if I stay on them but lower my dose, I can't take them because my stomach refuses to digest any type of medication or even vitamins without puking it back up. So, I'm sorry if I'm a little irrational. I'm sorry if I am way more negative than I used to be. I'm sorry if I come off as a big whiny baby who can't just suck it up and live life like the rest of the working class... but being off this medication for the first time in 10 years, and then dealing with extra hormones on top of it, is really having an effect on me. When I am in the environment that is my workplace, I am completely miserable!"

What Can I Eat?

Its truly a challenge trying to figure out what my stomach will keep down these days. I think I'm starting to see a pattern with the applesauce and apple juice, rice and potatoes. So, it may be that I can only eat fruit and starch right now. But that could change tomorrow. I'm not getting very many nutrients and my mom is worried. She said the first 8 weeks are crucial in preventing birth defects, so I need to be getting all the vitamins I can. I feel lucky if I can eat a whole meal, let alone all the right foods and such. Only 5 more weeks of this, right? Ugh... only!?

9/18/08-A friend at work gave me a Preggie Pop today. It gave me hope.

Changes in Chemistry

My skin is gross. Its so oily now. My chest broke out again this morning. I have 3 pimples on my neck of all places, and now I have a huge one on my chin which I've successfully turned into a mountain by sqeezing it. This sucks. Not only do I get to be sick and tired every day, but I'm breaking out worse than I have in the last 10 years. wtf... why would anyone want to do this voluntarily? This beginning part is reason enough to get fixed and adopt if need be.

9/18/08-I ran across some interesting and possibly helpful information today. Here it is!

Alright, so I'm a little....slow.

I've been called ditzy, blonde, special, slow... and I never really thought much of it because people always seem to laugh and make it sound like they're just kidding around and they're saying these things with endearment. Then this week when I was talking with my mom about how I was so immature at 23 and I wouldn't have been able to handle a pregnancy at that time, even though I should've been more than able. Its not like I was a teenager. I've known plenty of girls who had kids before they even turned 21 and handled it fine. And my mom says, "yeah, I guess you were kind of...slow. Well, developmentally slow I guess you could say." So, the truth comes out. After all these years, she is finally telling me that I'm not "special" in the way I thought she meant all this time... I'm special like "dee dee dee" special... wtf? So, I asked her, "what if my baby is like that?" and she replies, "Well, that was because your mom did a whole bunch of drugs right before she got pregnant with you and even though I stopped cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant, I didn't have time to clean out my system prior to getting pregnant."

So, what if the medications I take--although they are supposedly ok to continue taking--have the same effect on my child? And if they do, then what can I do differently in raising them to prevent them from having the same setbacks that I've had with being "slow"?

Oh boy... I know this is only the beginning of all the questions and concerns I'll have. I'm in for it.

Morning Sickness

Ugghhhhhhh... I have been extremely sick for the last week. Now I'm back to work and everyone's asking me questions and joking around calling me prego (not knowing I really am). I just want to go home. The last thing I want when I'm feeling like this is to be the center of attention. I just want to sink into my desk unnoticed but it seems like everywhere I go someone has to ask me how I'm feeling, what the doctor said, did they give me anything for my "flu".... its so exhausting. I know that being here is just aggravating my nausea even more but I don't know what else to do... should I stay home longer? I'm out of vacation & sick days so I won't get paid for any days I miss. Should I just stick it out here and have everyone around me commenting and asking me questions all the time? It seems like a lose-lose situation. At this rate I'll never be able to hide it until the first trimester is over. They're all in my grill!

Egg Salad and Anxiety

I'm into egg salad lately... its weird, for some reason I equate egg salad with pregnant women. When I was working at my last job, several years ago, one of the girls there would eat egg salad on a bagel for breakfast. I'd watch her walk past me every morning and after a while I got suspicious. I thought, "who in the world eats that for breakfast? Especially every day! Sounds like a pregnant craving to me..." Then a light bulb went off... "I bet she is!" So, lo and behold, I've been eating that very same breakfast, but on whole grain bread instead.

Its been 4 days since I found out and already I'm anxious to tell people, anxious to go to my first OB exam, anxious to find out all the things I'll need to know. But, in the back of my head I'm thinking "don't get ahead of yourself!! You don't know anything for sure. What if the doctor says it was a false alarm? (doubtful!) What if I have complications and it doesn't even last to the third month to the point where I can tell people. What if I jump into everything and it only jinxes me?" I guess that's all part of the anxiety, too, though.

BF is so wonderful... he started his new job this week (finally employed after SO long), and he said all he thinks about is me and the good thing he's doing for us by taking this job. I feel so bad for him though. Its a warehouse job and it is insanely physically demanding. I was shocked when I finally got a chance to see him this morning. He is literally covered in dirt and cuts, scrapes, & bruises from head to toe! He has to climb up and down pallets of inventory all day pulling orders, then throwing them to the other guys, or he'll be on the other end catching cases of glass bottles being thrown at him from above. And that's only the beginning of it! He told me, "its slave labor!" ...but its a Union job, so the pay is outstanding and they have excellent benefits. I only hope that he won't get stuck in this job because of our situation. He has so many hopes and dreams for himself. I'd hate to see them all shot down because we didn't have a chance to plan ahead.

....I think we'll be ok.

What if Plan B Doesn't Work?

For some reason I haven’t been blogging too much lately. I started an entry not too long ago but lost my train of thought and gave up. I saved it to draft, then read it again about 10 minutes ago and decided to publish it now. I’m sure it has everything to do with the fact that I no longer have my own computer with internet access at home, and my increased busy workdays have left little time for my usual internet antics…not to mention the depression and fatigue I’ve been dealing with for weeks. On top of that, I’ve been sort of sick to my stomach, my ta-tas are ginormous, and I feel bloated like I have to poop all the time… Wait. Let me back track for a minute.

19 days ago BF and I had an evening where we were doing the most simple, common activities but for some reason we were insanely in tune with each other. We were helping a friend plan & promote a huge party. I had been solicited to design the flyers and BF had come to my work after hours to proof them. We stayed at the office for 4 hours that night until 9:00pm, but worked so beautifully together that it made me lightheaded afterwards. I couldn’t believe how well we were able to communicate and work together toward a goal. It felt so good to accomplish something with such a perfect partner! I stayed at his house that night because its considerably closer to my work than home is and I’d get more sleep that way…or so I thought. I can’t even describe what happened later except to say that it was surprising, but I wasn’t at all worried. I was happy to be with him, to experience a first with him, and that’s all that mattered. The next day I went to the Pharmacy bought Plan B and took it as directed, and figuring that everything would be normal.

Now…given the previously mentioned factors, it became obvious once my 26-28 day period due date came…and passed, that everything may not be normal after all. I took 2 tests; both came up with double pink lines. It was more than obvious that the “nausea, abdominal pain, fatigue, headache, changes in your period, dizziness, and breast tenderness” which had all been listed word for word as side effects of Plan B, could instead be more than I’d expected. So… it looks like I’m... we’re in for some surprises over the next 9 months. I heard that you should do that because miscarriage is so common, that you don’t want to be telling everyone and then have to tell them all the bad news as well. So, we’ve agreed to wait 3 months before telling anyone…just to be sure.

So Much to Say, So Much to Say...

I have way to many things to post about so these thoughts are going to be very disorganized... BFs DUI case went great, no suspension. Then he got a new job (different from the original one he was celebrating) which is right down the street from my work. Awesomeness! He's going to have money again. My promotion at work sucks. I hate it a lot. I'm busy all the time and have no time for anything anymore. Since I moved, I spend most of my time driving (an hour to work) and on the weekends I stay at BFs house because we miss each other so much during the week. I've even spent some weekdays at his house because its closer to my work than my new one. He is amazing by the way. I'm so happy with him.

Things To Do

In no apparent order...
Draw more.
Get crafty.
Bake.
Get a graphic design degree.
Get a more satisfying job.
Exercise.
Save money.
Pay off debts.
Find a mentor.
Move to the big city.
Road trip through California.
Lay on the beach for a week.
Go to Spain.

Effing Murphy's Law!

It figures that the day BF has 2 fantastic interviews followed by almost immediate confirmation that he got the job, would be the day that something bad happens.
BF called me in the best mood yesterday to tell me about his interviews, and then to tell me that he recieved compliments from someone saying "You 2 are so good for each other. She's so hot! You look cute together.", then later to tell me that he got the job from the 1st interview. In his excitement he professed to me, "I finally feel like I deserve to have someone as beautiful and amazing as you and I don't have to worry that I'll lose you to someone who has more to offer, because now I'll be able to provide for you and give you all the things you deserve." Ok, I know you might want to punch me in the face right now for all that. But I swear I'm not making it up! He's really that much of a sweetheart! *sigh* But don't forget...Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Just because he says it, doesn't mean anything. I'm far from Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Alba...or even Britney Spears these days, in my opinion. I digress. Getting back to the subject, BF finally got a job and now the picture is complete. He is damn near perfect to me. I'm the happiest girl in the world!

Until...I saw a missed call from him on my phone this morning. It came in around 3:30am, but I hadn't heard from him yet while I was getting ready for work like I expected to since he had to go into the job today to finish up some paperwork. Then about 11:30am I get a call from him. Very hesitantly he explained to me that he was arrested last night after a few celebratory drinks at the bar with one of our friends and was charged with a DUI.

My heart dropped. I was so shocked that I didn't know how to respond or what to say. Not another boyfriend with a DUI...what the hell is wrong with me that I keep running into this problem? Is it my fault for having poor judgement? I am so smitten by him and he amazes me every day--as much as I resist admitting it, I feel like he could really be the one--and now I am thrown back into the same situation I was in with my ex-fiance? I don't know what to do. Should I leave him? Should I just give up and really be single for once? But how would I do that? How could I just throw away a 10 year friendship over something like that? Its understandable that as a girlfriend I have the option of calling it quits on account of tough love. But he makes up too much of my life to just cease all contact. I can't imagine being without him. I'm heartbroken that this happened. I'm going to have to take some time to think about what's the best thing for me to do in this situation and if I have to make difficult decisions, then so be it.

The One

Yesterday BF picked me up from work and took me out to lunch. It was so nice. I haven't seen him since Sunday--only 3 days--and we missed each other so much. I felt weird because after we ate, I sat on the same side of the booth as him and we played kissy face until he'd payed the bill and we had to leave. The waitress kept coming over saying, "sorry... I don't want to interupt." and BF told her we don't get to see each other that often. Haha. I thought to myself, "We're those assholes that everyone stares and makes puking noises at and says get a room!" But, oh well, screw em! We can't get enough of each other and that's fine with me because I am totally smitten.

We had been talking about a friend of ours who always says the girl he's dating is "the one". I was telling BF how this friend is talking about moving South and buying a house with the current "one" and we got on the subject of friends getting married. Then BF jokingly asked me, "So, when are you going to get married already?!" I laughed and answered "When I find the one." Then for the rest of the lunch he kept making comments about it, only half joking. He asked me, "oh, so I'm not the ONE? I'm just here to kill time until you find someone better? Its cool. I'm fine with that. I wouldn't marry you anyway." Then right away he says, "Well no, I probably would. I'd marry you tomorrow if I could. But I can't afford that yet."

So, anyway...he apologized later because he didn't want me to be freaked out by his talk of a long term relationship with me. But I assured him that I do think of those things. I think of them in pretty ridiculous ways (obviously, from previous posts in May & June), but I try to pretend that I don't because I don't want to get ahead of myself. I've tried and failed too many times and I just want this time to work out right. I'm head over heels in love right now, but I have to take it one day at a time.

Clicking My Heels 3 Times

Last night I was crying my eyes out wishing I was at home in my bed with everything in its place and my cats in their usual spots. Instead I was in this new space, not my own, where I'll have to stay for a while until I get my finances in order. I hate being here. I miss my apartment. I'm so far away from work, and friends, and most importantly BF. Sometimes being near him is the only thing that will make me happy and how am I supposed to do that if I'm so far away? Ironically, a few minutes after I began crying last night, BF called just to see how I was doing and if I'd arrived safely. I had thought I was in store for a fit of sobbing to let out the built up emotions, but hearing his voice instantly put a smile on my face.

In addition to being out of my element, I hadn't taken my meds in a few days on account of running out of my prescription. It really sucks when that happens because I get so sensitive and emotional. Any little comment or facial expression someone gives me comes as a threat to my ego. I start to feel like I have so many problems and everyone else has it all together. I just wish I could start over and get it right the 2nd time around.

Mom Likes Him

Well, this weekend my mom, step-monster, brother, and brother's girlfriend all "met" BF. Since we've been friends for so long my brother already knows him pretty well from hanging out over the years, and BF's met them all before. But mom and Brother's GF haven't actually spent any time with him to get any type of impression. We all had a casual dinner Saturday and talked amongst ourselves. I was so excited for it because I really wanted them to see how great he is right off the bat and they did! Within the first 10 minutes, brother's GF said the same exact thing I said the first time I met BF, "I like this guy!"I'm not sure about my brother's opinion on him just yet because he's still skeptical of me dating someone already and of the fact that its another guy from the same group of friends. He jokingly said, "I hate him" and then laughed. But I said to him, "If you don't like him you have to tell me. That's important stuff! If you really didn't like him I'd want to know." So he said, "No I like him, I'll let you know if I don't. You don't have to worry." But I'm positive BF made a good impression on them. Mom told me the next day that she likes him a lot and I could even tell him that she does. She said, "he treats you very well and talks to you like a normal person." I'm not sure what that means exactly. Did ex-fiance talk to me like I was an alien or something? Well, I guess we did use weird voices when we talked to each other. It was like our own weird retarded language and we couldn't get out of the habit once we were in it. We had to remind each other "There are people around. Don't talk in the voice!" BF says that was the only thing ex & I had in common was that stupid little language we had. He's pretty right about that! All-in-all it was a pretty good meeting. In fact, I think the only bad impression made was the one BF got of the step-monster. I've tried not to bad mouth him to BF. I wanted him to form his own opinion. But after this weekend, there was just no contest. The man is a douche. That's all there is to it.

Poop

I hate pooping. Seriously! Guys always act like its a good time... like its a big relief for them. Maybe it is. But I really hate it. Its a pain in my ass--literally! Why can't everything come out in liquid form? It'd be a lot easier and cleaner. I know, this is probably the last thing anyone wants to hear about but its on my mind so TFB.

The End.

I've kissed a girl or 2 in my day...& liked it!

When I first heard this song I think I had a mixed reaction. Part of me was like, "yeah, so what? A lot of people have. Do you think you're being rebellious? Stop trying to draw attention to yourself." The other part of me was like..."YEAH! Rock on! Good for you. And...me too, I totally liked it! I'd probably like to kiss Katy Perry."

I miss the days of kissing girls. It was a good time. I haven't known girls who are into that for a while now. It kinda sucks. Its like I only know girls who are boring and reserved. I don't even know where to find friends who are more wild and outgoing. I know some, but they're all bar whores and I don't really want to associate with them anyway because they don't have minds of their own.

Listen to Katy Perry's chart topping single "I kissed a girl (and I liked it)" on last.fm

Post Secret Sundays

I don't know who sent this, but they hit it right on the nail.

Post Secret - June 22, 2008

A Common Misconception

It seems that everyone I know is under the misconception that I am one of those people who feels like they need to be in a relationship, and that's why I have a boyfriend already. Apparently, having broke up with my fiance and called off a wedding is circumstance for joining a convent. I just don't understand why my mother, cousin, brother, and now my dad have all said, "Maybe you should stay away from boys for a while." or "Do you think its a good idea to jump into a relationship so soon?" Hey, answer this for me... Who decided that there are rules for how long you wait after a breakup? Who put anyone--anyone--in charge of what I do with my love life? Ughh... it just makes me so mad to have everyone saying the same thing. Do I really have to justify it to everyone? He is my best friend people! I wouldn't be dating him if I thought he wasn't worth it. I want to be with him almost 24-7 because I enjoy his company, not because I can't stand to be on my own. ...My mom knows more about my situation currently, so she's gotten better about it. She seems to be happy for me because she sees how happy BF makes me. She hears me talk about how in tune BF and I are and she's ok with it. She even told me, "You're very lucky. Some people go years, even their whole lives, without finding love and you have it right in front of you."

Despite my desire to be with BF, I have this feeling like I should just do what everyone says and be by myself for a while. Is it for my own benefit? Or is it to pacify everyone else? Either way, I think in the coming months I will try to keep my distance from him and see what happens. How much you wanna bet it doesn't last more than 2 weeks? ;)

Better, sort of...

Ok, so I've worked out a few days since the last post. I've been eating a lot better and trying to at least walk every day if I can't workout. Oddly though, I think I've gained weight! I am almost up to my highest weight ever and I feel all jiggly, bloated, and ugly. Then a couple days ago I started feeling really sick with typical symptoms of a bladder infection. How do I know that's what it was? I get them all the time. I had one just a couple months ago! Its so annoying, so painful, and worst of all... I can't have sex. I meant to call my doctor yesterday but after taking OTC pills to suppress the symptoms, I got busy at work and forgot to call for an appointment. I think there's something wrong with me! I mean, how is it possible that I get these so often? I'm not dirty...I take showers frequently, really I do! This plus the fact that I feel extra bloated just worries me. Is there any reason I would be retaining water due to this infection? Who knows. I guess that's a question I'll have to ask my doctor when I get that appointment.

A Turning Point

Yesterday I was at an extreme low. I was on my friend's new myspace profile when I noticed my ex-fiance in her top friends list. I was surprised to see that he even had a myspace since he had always sworn that it was stupid and he'd never do it. I'm guessing his sister or cousin put him up to it by saying, "you'll pick up chicks, man." So, seeing his picture I clicked on it to find a couple pics of him shirtless, showing off his new tattoos. He looks really good and it made me so sad to see him. I haven't seen or talked to him in months.

Then somehow I looked at the most recent pictures I have of myself, including a group shot from our camping trip which my friend had on her profile, and I thought "he's probably seen that picture... I look horrible in it!" I look not only fat, but very pregnant from the shirt I was wearing. I was disgusted with myself. I started looking for more recent pictures but in all that I could find I looked fat and gross. Well, this set me off... I continued to get more and more depressed about myself throughout the afternoon. I thought about how lazy and brain dead I've felt for the last few weeks, how unmotivated and unproductive I've been at work...choosing to expand my blogs and pretend to shop online rather than actually getting my job done. I thought about how much I've been eating and how I've been consuming mass amounts of carbs and not able to get myself motivated to workout at all. I'm back up to my highest weight and my stomach is bulging out. Yesterday after eating what I considered to be dinner (which was whatever was easy enough to take out of the fridge and heat up in the microwave: 6 sweet cheese pierogis and 3 buiscuits with honey...my cupboards are pretty bare since I'm so broke these days). I was so disgusted with myself that I actually tried to throw up what I'd just eaten. I've never done that before. But luckily I wasn't very successful so I don't think that'll be an easy habit to develop. I tried to draw to get my mind off things and give myself a little art therapy, but even that seemed unsuccessful. My hand wouldn't make the lines I wanted it to and things just didn't look right. I thought maybe I just needed to sleep which I often do when I'm depressed. But even that was difficult. My stomach ached, my muscles felt tense, I wanted to cry out in aggravation! Finally I decided to get up and get out of the house. BF will make me feel better. Being around him usually helps. He has such a joyful presence most of the time that it lifts my mood. I stopped at Oberweis and got a Banana Milkshake--my quick fix when I'm feeling low--then headed over to his house where he was watching the basketball game. It did help to be around him. His smile calmed me and when he saw my sketchbook in my bag he encouraged me to draw and gave me suggestions of what to draw. He seemed interested; I liked that. I still wasn't out of my slump, but I was better.

So, last night I went to bed thinking "I can't go on like this. I'm getting myself further and further into this hole and feeling like I've completely lost my brain. I have to do something about it." I turned off the lights to go to sleep and said out loud to myself. "Tomorrow will be good. Tomorrow you're going to be motivated, productive, happy, and eat better. Tomorrow you're going to turn yourself around!"

Well, its amazing what a little Caffiene and Guarana will do. I woke up late, still groggy and feeling like my pep talk hadn't worked. But I rushed to get showered and out of the house and stopped at Starbucks on the way to work and popped in a CD I thought would get me going. I decided to try their new Iced Doubleshot+Energy drink. It tastes great, just like a mocha! As I drove I kept turning up the volume and singing along with my Kanye West CD, bobbing my head and thinking about the lyrics.

"Determination, dedication, motivation, I'm talking to you, my many inspirations, When I say I can't, let you or self down, If I were of the highest cliff, on the highest riff, And you slipped off the side and clinched on to your life in my grip, I would never, ever let you down" --Never Let Me Down, Kanye West/JayZ : Listen on free.napster

"God show me the way because the devil trying to break me down; The only thing that that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now; And I don't thing there's nothing I can do now to right my wrongs; I want to talk to God but I'm afraid because we ain't spoke in so long..." --Jesus Walks, Kanye West : Listen on Last.fm

Not all of them are applicable, but there is something about this CD that just gets in me and makes me feel like I can do things. Its the most motivational CD I have. Its weird...who ever thought "College Dropout" would have that effect? So, this morning I am on my way to climbing out of this depression and into a better me... at least until the Starbucks wears off.

Cliffs

Something weird happened to me over the weekend. On Saturday I was kind of spaced out. BF and I watched a couple movies and then instead of figuring out what else we could do, I just sat on the couch and watched him for a couple hours. I mean, I didn't just sit there completely silent and stare at him. But we didn't really do anything specific except spend time together, talk about random stuff, hang out and do nothing. He's so goofy sometimes: rolling around on the floor with the cats, trapping them under boxes, making up songs and singing them out loud, doing different voices when he says stuff. Its weird. But I like that he feels that side of him is ok to bring out around me. It makes me laugh. He's always entertaining me.

Sunday I was sort of in the same mood. Then I started crying at one point during the day and I didn't even know why. BF asked me if he'd done something and I assured him that it had nothing to do with him. I went in the living room while he took a shower and grabbed my sketch book. I immediately started to draw a picture of 2 cliffs with a gray cloudy sky and full moon behind them. The day before I'd done a pastel drawing of a sunset with a cliff in the foreground. I realized that for some reason I've had this image of cliffs stuck in my head for the last few days. What could it mean? What am I trying to say?

Although I hadn't been dreaming about them, I looked up dreams to find a meaning for this imagery and I found these definitions:

1. Cliff Dream Meaning, Psychological meaning: You may be at a critical point in your life and fear loosing control. Emotionally you may feel as if you are 'teetering on the brink' or feel that your life is like a 'cliff hanger' movie. If you dream of climbing a cliff, it may show how you are trying to overcome an obstacle. Once over this problem the way ahead is smooth and even.

2. Cliff: To dream that you are standing at the edge of a cliff, denotes that you have arrived to an increased level of understanding, new awareness, and a fresh point of view. You may have reached a critical point in your life and may fear losing control.

3. Cliff - A place that represents a threat and feeling vulnerable. Falling from: Losing control of oneself or situation.

So I'm wondering...what do I fear losing control of? What would cause me to lose control of myself?

Crap. I got my period 2 days early. WTF?
I was really looking forward to seeing BF tonight after almost going a week without him. I made sure in the shower this morning that I'd be all silky smooth, too. Then Bam! it just hits me ahead of time. Oh the perils of being a girl. I don't think I'll ever stop complaining about them.

Get Out of My WED...er, I mean Head.

Sometimes I really annoy myself. I thought I'd gotten over my desire to get married for now. But now that I'm in love those wedding bells are back to haunt me. I can't stop thinking about weddings and wanting to have one of my own. Maybe its my biological clock ticking in my ear, "You're almost 28! Its time to get married and start a family!" But I don't even know if I could handle kids, so I definitely don't want them now! A wedding on the other hand... all the wonderful things that go with it... that I could handle now. However, BF is in no way ready for all that. He's younger than my ex-fiance was and he has so much more to do before he gets to the point of settling down. I don't want to scare him off. In the meantime, my mind is flooded with all these thoughts of destination weddings and wedding-related festivites. I just can't get them out of there! What is wrong with me?!

Chubby Love

I told myself I was going to go into the office today and get right to work to make up for my lack of concentration and productivity the last few days. But of course here I am, distracted already. I just had to say this though... I complimented one of the girls here at work on how thin she looks and we started talking about excercise. I told her, "BF is kinda chubby too (mostly just husky and musclular but there's enough cushion for the pushin'...hehe), so when I don't workout or don't eat right he'll get on my case." Its nice though, because we understand each other when it comes to that. If he's working out every day, then I get more motivated to do it too because I don't want him to be all hot and sexy and me be left feeling fat and ugly. We just have so much in common. Its so nice to be with someone who understands me for a change. ♥♥♥

Soothing My Anxiety

I'm glad I know of ways to deal with my anxiety when it hits. Being back at work sucks. Everyone's on my back about tasks I should've completed before I left so I wasn't swamped with them now and for some reason I can't get my mind to focus on what it should. I'm continually distracted by all my little internet vices. So, when I look at my list of things to do I begin to get dizzy and feel a tightness in my stomach... I got close to having an anxiety attack and I sure wasn't being pleasant to anyone who asked questions of me. Noticing this, I quickly thought about what CD usually helps. Since last.fm isn't working for me lately, I went to free.napster, looked up Brandy and played her Afrodisiac album. For some reason that seems to be the one that soothes me most when I get frantic. I'm feeling a little bit better now but my muscles still feel really tense. Like a lot of people, I'm sure, I get the urge to eat junk when I'm stressed. But I resisted as much as I could. I ate 1/2 a sandwich to try and settle the nerves in my stomach. ...but I soooooo want a brownie! ;)

Our Time

It finally came...Our Time. The time when BF and I always get together with friends for a weekend of enjoying the great outdoors free from responsibility. It was great! We work well together. He always has an agenda and timeline in his head of how he wants things to go and when I'm slacking he says just the right things to get me back on track, instead of nagging me and making me mad. He'll start to go through a list of what we need to pack or do and I'll tell him I've already done it. We haven't really had any arguments yet since we started seeing each other so I took note of what happened over the weekend. We got on each others nerves but always seemed to laugh about it and apologize right away if we got snippy at each other. On Saturday I was mad at him because he'd been playing bags for hours without stopping and I'd asked him to start grilling dinner so it would be ready in time for the whole campsite to eat together. Tired of waiting, one of the girls and I began preparing the food. Then I went over to ask him what else needed to be done before he could grill and he starts telling me what spices to put on the food. I said to him, "You know, you're really annoying me right now." He just laughed, "Yeah, ok." So I said, "I'm serious. You are." Then his face dropped a little and he got a look of disappointment in himself. "Really? Why?" he asked. ...I answered him calmly, "I've been asking you to do this and you just keep playing. I don't see why you need to keep playing bags after you've been winning for 4 hours already." He thought for a second and said, "I'm sorry...Ok. Let me finish this last game and I'll come over and cook dinner." and he gave me a kiss. It was the most simple clean argument I've ever had! I was so proud of us for dealing with it so well! Granted, it was so minuscule that it probably doesn't count but it felt good.

Then on Sunday... some time in between roasting marshmallows, downing SoCo, running in from the rain, and waking up in different clothes than I'd had on before...he and I tried to get busy in the truck. I have bruises all over my legs and thighs from trying to maneuver my body on top of his in the drivers seat. The steering wheel, gear shift, and whatever else must've been poking me from all directions! The sudden thunder storm must've added to the intoxication because I can't remember anything after running from the fire toward the tents, and apparently in my passionate drunken stupor I said something totally absurd. "Babies! Give me babies!"

....um...WHAT?!!! Am I insane? Where do these things come from? I must've sounded like a lunatic! Who says that while mounting their man in a pickup truck? That is the most white-trash thing that could possibly happen! I was so utterly embarrassed the next day when we woke up and he just laughed and muttered..."babies". The funny thing is he wasn't freaked out at all. When he actually woke up and got out of the truck I'd been up for a while. He put his arms around me, held me close, kissed me on top of the head and said, "Its ok...I'd make babies with you any day, Babe."

Dove of the Day

In February, I bought a bag of little heart shaped Dove dark chocolates at Target's after Valentine's Day sale. I have a tiny obsession with buying things that are Valentine's Day themed at 75% off. In fact, I just discovered today that you can still get some of those items online at the clearance prices. Score!

One of the reasons I like the little Doves so much is that they have messages on the inside of the foil wrapper. Leave it to packaging to pull me in...typical consumer. So when I reach for a little afternoon pick-me-up, I get a sweet message as well. Today's messages were all new so I figured I'd share them. (Yes, I had 3...they're like Pringles: once you pop you just can't stop!)

1. Discover how much your heart can hold.
2. Make someone melt today.
3. Remember your first crush.

PS: Ironically, this chocolatey blog post is not related to my previous post. I actually ate quite healthy today and have been in a great mood.

Recipe for PMSSSSS

PMS=a sudden urge to eat healthy and begin dieting, followed by a day or 2 of lethargy, then a negative mindframe for days accompanied by bingeing on cheesburgers, cheese fries, & ice cream and feeling crappy and bloated afterwards, then eventually the period arrives. What a curse!

Appreciating My Passion

So much for appreciating what I have... I've really been trying to focus a lot on art lately. Its the one true and constant passion I have and I've spent so little time on it over the years. So now I've made a goal to get a portfolio done and to do that I have to draw something every day (or almost every day). I'm excited about it and I'm happy that BF listens to me when I talk about it and want do nerdy art stuff. I thought I'd finally found someone who would appreciate my love for art, seeing how BF encourages me to "do what you love", suggested I think about becoming an art teacher, and took me to the art museum over the weekend. But then I started reflecting on the comments he makes about art. When we were at the museum he kept saying how he didn’t "respect" certain artists because it didn’t look like it took any talent to do what they did. He'd look at a painting and say, "like this, it looks like a third grader did it." I could understand what he was saying on some of them… you know, some of the more contemporary stuff where its just a circle on a blank white page or something like that… but its like, he didn’t get the purpose of it. He couldn't grasp that its art. It doesn't have to be perfect. Its about expression! There isn't supposed to be a right or wrong way to do it. You don't have to like it, but you should at least appreciate it as art to some extent.

Then yesterday when I told him I'd spent the last few hours doing a drawing with pastels he asked me what I drew and I’m like “a girl”. That's my answer almost everytime he asks me what I drew that day because that's what I like to draw, especially with my background in fashion design and interest love for fashion illustration. So he says, “that’s all you ever draw is women. Why don’t you draw something else? Like a lagoon or something?” Well, it really irritated me. Why does he have to question it? He's not an artist, so who is he to say anything? Most people I meet who don't make art are always amazed that I even do it. But here he is--my best friend--always criticizing. So once again I get another red flag in my mind...a voice saying, "he doesn't get it! He won't appreciate you. You should get out now!"

Why does it always have to be all or nothing in my mind? Can I be happy with him, even if we don't agree on everything and have all the same interests?

Artwork featured here is by Stina Persson and Pomme Chan.

Another Anthem to My Life

So I'm listening to my last.fm playlist on shuffle and this song comes on... and I thought to myself... this is the anthem...my anthem. I remember listening to this back in the day when I broke up with my first long term boyfriend. It always seems to apply. I get caught up in the fantasy of getting married and being someone's wife and lose myself completely... something I'm not going to let happen again. I'm hoping to break the cycle this time.

As I look at what I've done
The type of life that I've lived
How many things I pray the father will forgive
One situation involved a young man
He was the ocean and I was the sand
He stole my heart like a thief in the night
Dulled my senses blurred my sight
..............................
Torn and confused wasted and used
Reached the crossroad which path would I choose
Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For something to happen that just wasn't fated
..............................
Father you saved me and showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man's wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets deeper than oceans
My soul was weary but now it's replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished
I see him sometimes and the look in his eye
Is one of a man who's lost treasures untold
But my heart is gold I took back my soul
..............................
I used to love him but now I don't…


(These are bits and pieces of the song. To read complete lyrics click here.)

You Make Me Smile, Just for a While

I love Colbie Callait. Her songs just seem to put a smile on my face... kinda like BF. Some days he makes me want to just sit back and enjoy the simple things in life. I've been feeling a lot like I don't know how to appreciate what I have lately. I'm never satisfied with what's in front of me, always wanting what I don't have, and it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me that I'm not able to do that. But this weekend, he made me forget about that for a while. He took me downtown to the art museum, then we had dinner, and afterwards we went to see a band. Sunday we layed around all day laughing and being lazy and having lots of amazing sex. I swear we can't lay on the same couch together without it leading to that. Its not him either...I'm totally the instigator. Being near him just does that to me! It was really nice, though. He makes me happy. I wish I could focus on that more often, instead of anything that strikes me as a red flag.

Absence Makes the <3 Grow Fonder

Its true what they say... this week I purposely did not see BF. We talked briefly throughout the week, in the afternoons or just before I went to bed, but didn't see each other. Then yesterday I went over to his house for dinner. He seemed kind of down and distracted, but he was happy to see me. I sat on his lap and couldn't stop staring at him and wanting to kiss him. He said to me, "its so hard for me to hold back what I want to say." And I knew what he meant... he complimented me a lot..."you look cute. you look nice... ok, I'll stop." And I'm like, "why do you have to hold it back? I like compliments." I think he wanted to say he loves me. That would've been ok, too. But he didn't. Its ok. I already know it.

After dinner we watched TV for a while, messed around, and then he rubbed my back really good because it hurts from being on the computer so much. When it was time for me to go, I got in my car and drove away with a huge smile on my face and butterflies in my stomach.... that's what I had been missing. I knew he could do it to me, but he was getting on my nerves so much that I wasn't feeling it. I'm glad its back.

More About Work

You know, the funny thing about work is... I have been completely worthless for the last 3 weeks. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. I don't feel like working so instead I just do online stuff. I know I've been slacking with all my daily duties and what-not but I just don't really care. I've had moments of paranoia where I think, "Do they know I'm slacking so much? Are people complaining? Are they moving me into a different position so they can keep a closer eye on me? Are they doing it just so they can have me train someone to take my place and then they're going to fire me? Do they know I'm going to hate customer service and I'll end up quitting and then they'll be rid of me and all my laziness?" ...ok, so I get a little crazy with my 1 minute paranoid episodes. I know I need to get my stuff done, organize my desk area and my thoughts and create a handbook from which to train the new person when we get one. But I cannot focus on anything but my own little internet world... and they took the firewall down last week too, so now I can get on myspace on top of all the other sites!

Getting Promoted

So I'm supposed to be getting promoted at work next month. I don't really consider it a promotion because I'm not necessarily moving up, just into a different department. But I will be getting more money--a 10% increase--so that's all I'm really concerned about. To be honest, I think I'd rather move into a more involved Administrative Assistant role, maybe Executive Assistant rather than a customer service position. I hate our customers and I have no desire to be in customer service. But there are no other admin roles here, so what can I do? I have to go where the money is, considering I'm always flat broke and negative in my bank account. I think the bank closed my savings account because I never put anything in it, too.

In the meantime, I gave the managers a list of my duties and they are supposed to be hiring someone to take over my job as Receptionist/Administrative Assistant. But no one has come in for an interview. I don't even know if they have any leads. Now they're trying to split up my duties among the present miscellaneous admin staff we have so that the new person "won't see the list, get scared and run off". Is it that fricken hard? When they hired me, I didn't know my job would be so hard and such a pain in the ass, but I made it. Yes, I wish they would've trained me better, but do they really need to trick people? I hate how this company is run sometimes. They just seem to make their own rules and not think about anything else.

I wish I could just find a sponsor so I could quit my job and do what I really want with my life...whatever that is.

Doing Couples Stuff

I had a wonderful weekend with BF. Saturday we went to Six Flags! We weren't sure how the weather would behave. It actually started pouring while he was loading up the cooler with our lunch. But when got to the park it was great! The sun was out most of the day and we didn't get a drop of rain. We were supposed to meet up with my girlfriends who got us the tickets since her work rented out the park for the day. But we ended up spending most of the day on our own, just the 2 of us walking hand-in-hand like a couple of teenagers. We shared a funnel cake, he tricked me into conquering my fear of falling by leading me onto the Giant Drop and then laughed at me when they dropped us because I was breathing like a woman in lamaz class instead of screaming. Then we took a picture in one of those old fashioned photo booths., which he'd never done before. I found that surprising since I've done that every time I saw a photobooth on a date with a boy. Its the perfect momento! When the park closed, we sat on the back of his truck, ate the lunch we packed and drank a beer. We were exhausted!

Sunday we layed in bed all day together and then I cooked him dinner. It was the first meal I've cooked for him that I was actually proud of! I've made pizza before, or breakfast. But this was a real dinner: angel hair pasta in a garlic basil cream sauce, with zucchini, squash, chicken and shrimp in it which he questioned when he saw me making it but he ended up loving it! I was happy that I did so well.

Yesterday was great. I called in sick to work because I just didn't feel like getting out of bed and going! I know its not very responsible, especially when I'm out of sick days for the year already, but oh well. Work sucks, what more do they want from me? haha... so I slept in! It was a gorgeous day, too. So, when BF asked me if I wanted to go for a walk by the river I thought it was a splendid idea. We drove up to the river, then got out and walked along the paths holding hands and talking. It was SO nice. I had all these thoughts and images going through my head as we walked past couples with their kids I pictured us with kids, or I could see us walking along the river just like this when we were old and grey.

That's the thing about him... we have such a nice time just doing nothing together, we communicate well, we have chemistry, everything is great. But there's that stupid part of me that fights it. I look at this weekend and think... Ok that was great. But that's something I want when I am ready to settle down and just grow old with someone. I am SO not ready to settle down. I know my biological clock is ticking and I really am at a good age to get married and have kids. But I want to experience life, be wild and do fun things I've never done before! I don't want to spend my days being broke and planning dinner with someone. I want to be coming home from work, getting dolled up, then out on a date, or out on the town with friends. Then when I'm not doing that, I want to be at home by myself doing whatever I want... sleeping, painting, cleaning, reorganizing my cabinets, cuddling with my cats, listening to music in the dark, having my own little chick flick marathons while stuffing my face with Ben & Jerry's... whatever! Call me selfish, but I don't want my life to be determined by asking how things will effect "us" rather than "me" right now.

You're Smothering Me

I'm feeling smothered!! BF is so comfortable with me already because we’ve been friends for so long, so he’s all ready to jump into the relationship life and it feels like he’s almost forcing me into it. He expects that we’ll see each other every other day and talk every single day and then on Fridays he just assumes we’re doing something together. Last Friday I was PMSing so I just wanted to go home, be lazy and go to bed early, and he calls me in the afternoon and is like, “I’m on my way home from (wherever) and don’t feel like going home right now just to come back later, do you mind if I go chill at your house till you get home?” (I had given him the key so he could lock up one day when he slept over and he never gave it back! He asked me if I wanted it back and I said "yes"...but then he gave me a sad look and I was like, "well, it doesn't really matter. I guess it would be cool for you to have in case you want to surprise me again one day.") So in response to him asking to chill at my place till I get home, I’m like… "um, I was just planning on doing nothing tonight so you can go there if you want but I’m not going to be any fun tonight." I don’t know… I guess I’m just feeling irritated about it. The thing is, though, when I’m around him I’m happy. I like being around him. When he kisses me I get lightheaded and butterflies in my stomach and think to myself, “oh…I guess I did miss him.” Its when I’m not around him that my mind goes crazy and starts to feel smothered. Its really weird.

Dizzy Kisses & Sleepless Nights

BF is sort of driving me crazy with his desire to be around me all the time. I was the same way toward him for a while...always wanted to be with him, totally infatuated. But now I'm kind of thinking, "dude, let me breathe. I need my space. I like to just chill and be me during the week." So, when he called me yesterday to hang out I said sarcastically, "Omg, Its been 24 hours, hasn't it?! We have to see each other or we'll die! hahaha..." He knew I was joking so it was cool. But then when he got to my place he kissed me, and I was left standing there with my head tilted to the side, eyes closed for 30 seconds after he walked away, feeling lightheaded and dizzy as I smiled and said to him "oh... well, I guess I did miss you after all. Thats all it takes to remind me!" That feeling right there is the best feeling in the world. If only I could apply it to everything else I question about him... and "us".

Later, when I decided it was time for me to go to bed I said to him "are you staying over or going home?" He wanted to stay, so we went to bed thinking we were both actually tired for once on a weekday at 10:00. But then I was totally unable to sleep. I was tossing and turning. My body was buzzing with energy but my mind was telling me its sleepy and wanted to pass out. Its such an obnoxious feeling! I didn't want to wake him with my squirming so I went on the couch and curled up in a little ball, trying to relax. That didn't work. Finally I ate some cottage cheese--something my parents would make me do to fall asleep when I was little. That must've worked because some time after that I found myself waking up from sleep on the couch, so I went back into bed to sleep for good. I have a slight suspicion that I might have taken one too many pills yesterday afternoon when I took my daily dose. I couldn't remember if I'd taken them yet or not. So, perhaps that was the reason for my aggitation. But other than that I have no clue. Maybe it was just BFs presence that was aggitating. Who knows?

Balloons

"Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
Love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy.
They just promised it would be worth it."

I got it in an email forward today. It makes me think about how often I doubt things in life and how I don't seem to just enjoy what I have and live in the moment. I try. But in the back of my head I'm always wanting more. Why can't I ever just be happy with what I have?

Rude Awakening

Ugh... I hate being a girl sometimes! I woke up to the biggest mess. I got up and had this feeling, "uh oh...my monthly friend is in overkill mode! I slept too soundly last night." So, I went to the bathroom and this crimson mess is all over my PJ bottoms! I don't even understand how it made the pattern it did... what was I doing in my sleep? Yuck! I'm hoping that it only got on my PJs and not on the bed, since BF slept over last night and I can imagine that any guy would be thoroughly grossed out by any sign of female cycles left in the sheets. So, I take my clothes and throw them in the wash right away, but I totally forgot to check the bed. I'm crossing my fingers that its all good. Luckily he was sleeping like a baby, so he didn't notice me fumbling around trying to take care of my mess while I was getting ready for work.

He's so cute when he sleeps, with his pouty lips and long eyelashes. He looks so innocent.

Bloggers Block

Hmm... it seems for some reason I haven't had the urge to express my emotions lately. Usually I am so full of emo and confusion that I just have to get it out of me. Its not that life has been uneventful. I think I've just sort of been going with the flow. Well, that and the fact that I've discovered several new websites this week to waste my time on while I'm supposed to be working. I've become addicted to Kaboodle, where I made "friends" with a fellow blogger who led me to last.fm, FeedBurner, and a handful of other fun sites for tricking out my blogs. Then today I discovered that I can save my own feeds in my Google homepage and stay updated on all the blogs I want to read. Just what I need... more reasons to sit in front of the computer all day every day. I really am a nerd, aren't I?

Skipping Steps

Ok, last week he surprised me by coming straight to my house on his way back from STL. But then he never left! He's been staying with me for 9 days and I never even invited him to stay. I was so excited for him to stay overnight for the first time, I just wanted everything to be prefect. Then we went from 'first sleepover at my house' to live in boyfriend. Um...don't you think we skipped a few steps there? I'm a little freaked out by it. But I can't really complain because I'm really enjoying his company. We watch movies together and have lots of amazing sex and its nice to wake up next to him. He even surprised me with roses and dinner on April Fools day after tricking me into thinking he was on his way back to STL. He's been cooking dinner for me a lot. I love watching him in the kitchen. He's so cute the way he sings to himself while he's cooking and does a little dance while he's chopping veggies. I can picture him being a good husband and father, making dinners nightly for the family. He's just such a kind, compassionate, intelligent person.

Then why am I so hesitant to accept the feelings we have for each other? Last night we were laying in bed and I could tell he was waiting desperately to hear those 3 little words. I thought about it and although I try not to say them, I do feel them. So, I said it. I said, "I love you." and he instantly grabbed me by the back of the head, pressed his lips to mine and held the kiss for what seemed like forever. It was nice to know it meant so much. Even if it scares me that he is seemingly so infatuated with the thought of "us".

We're "Dating"

So, BF and I talked last night and decided that what we're doing could be called dating. So, that's it...we're dating now. haha...silly titles. But this morning I kinda felt like I didn't get to talk about everything I wanted to. I'm not exactly sure what I want to say but I have a lot on my mind. I told him I can't date someone who doesn't have a job. But then I said we could consider ourselves dating already. So, that doesn't make sense. I need to clear that up. Also, I'm not sure if I'm comfortable telling people we're dating yet. Its not that I don't want them to know its him. Its more that I don't want FI to find out that BF and I are together already. Its only been a little over a month since I broke up with FI. That seems too soon. Plus, I feel kind of dumb for dating someone else within the same group of friends...like everyone is going to think I get around or something. It just feels like I need to give it time to simmer before jumping into anything like that. He also told me that since he doesn't feel like he belongs at home with his mom anymore, he considers himself homeless. Well, I definitely can't date someone who's homeless! So that's an issue too.

Setting Goals

My goal for March is to try and achieve all or most of the daily and weekly goals I set. Kind of redundant, but I figured it was a good start. My daily goals for yesterday were to start my cover letters for job applications and to workout 30 minutes. I didn’t have time to work out because I was running around like a mad woman after work. BFcalled and said he was on his way home from STL and was coming straight to my house. So, I was trying to get dinner together, clean up the house, shower, shave, and keep my sanity in tact. Lots of anxiety there. Its funny, I've known him for 10 years but now I get nervous at the very thought of him coming over. I know I don't need to do anything but I always want to do something to impress him. I just want everything to be perfect!

So anyway, I did write one cover letter yesterday. My mom proofread it for me and told me not to change a thing! I was excited about that. It was a good letter. So, then I sent it off to one of the ads I found right away. I really hope they like what they read because it’s a fun opportunity downtown with a wedding and event firm. I'd be surrounded by beautiful projects all the time. Exactly the kind of atmosphere I'm looking for. My weekly goals for this week are to lose 5 lbs and send out job applications. My counselor told me to focus on setting achievable goals to start with. That way I will stop feeling like a failure for not accomplishing them, and it will help to gain my confidence back… something I lost while with FI, for some reason.

I did write down some bigger goals as well though just to keep them in mind. I’m sure I’ll be focusing more on them soon. I’ve been told that you have to put a time limit on your goals if you want to reach them. So, here goes…
1. Find a higher paying job by June (so I don’t have to move in w/mom & can stay independent). 2. Pay off debts by (can’t remember exact date…I think I wanted to do this by September 2008).
3. Pay off car by September 2009.
4. Take a 2 week road trip along the pacific coast in Summer 2009. I've wanted to do this for so long and now that I'm single I see no reason why I shouldn't do it!
5. Buy property by my 30th bday. (house, condo, townhouse...something of my own.)…30 might be pushing it though since its only 2 ½ yrs away.