A date?

We went out tonight... just as friends..my best friend and I. I fell asleep after work and when he called we just went out for some drinks. Then he dropped me off and left to go meet the girl he's seeing. So, I texted him and he ended up calling me to tell me that he's really feeling me and doesn't know how to handle it right now so he has to just go home. But tomorrow he wants to take me out on a date... a real date. We've never done that before. We've gone for food and he's bought me lunch or breakfast or dinner... whatever. But we've never had an official date. What does this mean? We're going to go on a date and we'll probably end up sleeping together, then he's going to leave me for 9 months only to come back just in time for my wedding? I don't know. All I know is that I can't wait to be close to him again.

"Come Back To Me"

So much going on. Can't think straight enough to explain anything right now. Too much hyperactivity in my brain. All I can think is this song.

Everything you say or do; I am always there for you; Whether you're laughing or you're screaming; No one else could take your place; I will always see your face; When I'm awake and when I'm dreaming;

Cause I believe there's a place for you and me in this crazy world;

If you come running back to me I'll be here waiting; Cause I still believe in a love worth saving; If you could see the sad look on my face; You'd be in your car headed back to my place; Come back to me, I'll be here waiting; Cause I'm on my knees and my love's not fading; If you could see the sad look on my face; You'd be in your car headed back to my place;

I can't stand to watch you go; Cause in my head deep down I know; I don't wanna live without you; I love the way we stay up late; The way you laugh at your mistakes; I love everything about you;

No, don't wanna let you go; Girl, you belong in my heart, in my arms, in my bed; Girl, quit messing with my head; Say that you're coming back to stay right here with me;
-Plain White T's -

2 Days Later

Its only been 2 days since he supposedly left. I drove by his house yesterday just to see if his truck was still there. As if I thought he was faking it and just ignoring everyone's calls all day. But the driveway was empty. Then I found out he had been there only 2 hours before. He actually left a day later than intended and he'll be coming back today and then leaving again for good in 2 more days. I think I'm kind of depressed. I've been sort of mopey the last couple days. At first I thought it was because he wasn't going to be around anymore. So, I was like, "I'm sad. My friend moved away." But now I think it might be because I feel stupid. I mean, what is my big issue? Do I think that we're really in love and if he was here we could be together? No... I'm getting married. He is pretty much best friends with both me and my fiance. He's not going to do that to his boy. Besides, if he was in love with me he would've made it known a long time ago like when I was actually single and he & I were sort of seeing each other. That was probably the best chance he had to tell me if he wanted to be with me and he didn't say it then. In fact, all either of us could say then was, "We could never date. It would just be too weird." (oh...but we could spend every day together, go out in public together, and sleep together.) To be honest, right now I feel like he is the only one who can make me completely happy. Which is probably why this whole thing is driving me so crazy. But the thing is.. I sit here analyzing things all day. Why does he look me straight in the eyes and tell me he loves me all the time? How come when we were out on Saturday and I finally met the girl he's been seeing, he was with me in another room saying, "Do you know how much I love you? Its driving me crazy because I have to hide it since she's here." Why, if he doesn't feel the same way, was he sitting there across from me last weekend with his head in his hands as if he was trying to figure something out before crawling into bed with me? What was he thinking? Was it just a question of whether or not he could resist my charms? Or was it what I'd like to believe..."why am I so in love with her?" ....this is driving me insane!!

I'm Trapped in a Glass Case of Emotion!

My best friend is moving out of state today. I have so much going on in my head!! Especially after the recent chain of events that I've been through. I wish I had someone to talk to about this and help me figure it all out, but its so secret that I can't tell any of my girlfriends. Our circle of friends is too close and we all talk too much to keep things a secret. I can't even talk it out with my best friend either because its about him. I just want to ask someone... what would you do in this situation? Its just too crazy! Help me figure it out!

Yet again I feel like my life is a movie. Nothing but drama and mystery in an ever thickening plot.

I'm a Selfish Lover!!!!

Ok, I guess since my fiance and I don't really have a lot of sex or even mess around that much anymore I'd forgotten the whole reason behind it. He's a terrible lover! Well, maybe not terrible. I mean, he's ok. But its always awkward and there is no chemistry. How did we ever get this far with our sex life being so lame? I don't understand! I mean, it must have been good in the beginning. We f*cked like bunnies at least for the first year. Then I don't know what happened. Now that we're like an old married couple we just got used to the fact that we're not going to be all over each other all the time and that's ok. We are a great couple without that. Some people would probably think we're nuts because there are a lot of things that we think work for our relationship but might seem weird to others. But it just seems to be ok with us.

... I'm still wondering, though, why my best friend can turn me on like no other and my own fiance makes me want to run in the other room and hide.

I Got My Manic Back

I did it again. I messed around with my best friend. Only this time it wasn't just a random drunken makeout session. Sure, we'd both had a handful of beers. I've found that beer doesn't make me blackout the way rum does now. I'm ok with just drinking beer. But for some reason I've been lusting after him in my head for a week (or weeks) and I finally couldn't take the sexual tension anymore. I have no idea what it is about him that does this to me but he has the ability to make my whole body tingle just by sitting next to me and grabbing my hand. Maybe its that its taboo. Maybe its the fact that we're so close, yet we're still able to keep that pretend wall up that makes it so we don't know the unattractive sides of each other. You know, that side you get to know when you've been in a long relationship with someone or...you're marrying them in 10 months. Yeah, my cheating days are supposed to be over. But I'm still unable to resist this one temptation. Part of me thinks that maybe its the meds. This new medication has me feeling fantastic--like I'm back to my old self again! However, there is that promiscuity factor that comes along with the happy me. Oh, manic phase how I've missed you so... if that is what's going on here. Or maybe I'm just really in love with him and I can't contain it. Hmm.. what would that do to my soon-to-be marriage?

All This Just to Get My Keys Back!

Ok… so I go to the house we went to the other day, which we thought was the house we'd been at last Friday, and I’m trying all the doors. Nothing’s open. I see the side window by the driveway is unlocked so I was about to try and open it but I figured I better ring the bell first. I ring the bell and a little old lady comes to the window and says, “can I help you?” So I had to tell her that I think I have the wrong house, I’m looking for Dee. She said there’s no Dee there, so I said I was very sorry and I left. Then within the next hour and a ½ I drove around in that little area, like a 4 block radius, creeping up on houses, getting out of my car and walking down the driveways to try and see the addresses b/c I didn’t have my glasses--since they're in my car which I have no keys for--and I’m totally blind in the dark, or to see if there was a couch in the back yard b/c that’s where she said she’d leave my purse and keys. I couldn’t understand her on the phone when I called to ask her for the address b/c there was too much background noise like she was in a bar, so I’m looking for 985 Aspen and can’t find it. I figured I must’ve heard her wrong so I’m going to 485 Ashland, 445 Alpine, 985 Arizona! Looking for a grey & brick house b/c that’s what she told me it looked like. I stopped at a house that looked like that, walked around the back and was about to try the door but figured I should ring the bell first just in case. I rang the front door bell and it was an old man! So, he tried to give me directions to Ashland b/c at that point I thought it had to be on Ashland. Still couldn’t find anything. I must’ve turned around 17 times! I called J and tried to get the directions from him again but he said exactly what he said to us the first time, so that’s what I had been doing the whole time and found nothing. I texted Dee and asked her to text the address to me b/c I think I misunderstood her and there is no 985 Aspen. She says, “yes there is. That’s the address.” So, I’m on the phone with FI all distraught b/c I’ve been driving in circles for an hour and a ½, can’t find it, and then I get pulled over by a cop!! As he’s walking up to the truck FI says he thinks his insurance is not in the car, its in his wallet at home, so I’m like, OH fricken great! I’ll call you back. The cop comes to the window and says, “Um… Are you lost? I saw you drive up and down Ashland about 10 times in the last hour.” So, yeah, I tell him I’m lost I’m trying to find this house that’s supposed to be at 985 Aspen and there is no Aspen. He says… “Aspen’s on the other side of Higgins.” (!?!?!?!) So, he says, “C’mon I’ll take you over there you can follow me.” I follow him over there, he stops at the first house on Aspen, shines his light on it and moves on. So, I wave my hand out the window, stop the car, get out and walk into the back yard. There must have been 100 old chairs back there!!! It was like a fricken junk yard!!! I’m like, “wtf? You’ve got to be kidding me! How could I not remember a yard this weird?” So, I look around… no couch. I go to the door and start to open it, and there’s a lady crouched down next to it about to put a leash on her dog. So, I’m like “OH.. um, I’m not sure if I have the right house. I’m looking for Dee. Does Dee live here?” And I think the lady wanted to close the door so she’s like, “no, there’s no Denise here.” And I was just so confused that I kept asking her questions… “Is this 985 Aspen? Do you know where 985 is?” I guess she was about to walk her dog, so she comes outside and I explained to her that a cop was supposed to be showing me to the right house but he stopped here. She walks out front with her dog, and tries to tell me which house she thinks is 985. The cop then pulls back up and is like, “what are you doing?” So, I explain to him that I thought this was the house he was pointing to and he says, “no, I was just trying to see the addresses.” So, then he gets back in his car, backs up. Stops right in front of the house so I can’t go past him. Asks me for my information, and types in the computer “getting purse from 985 Aspen”. Then walks me into the back yard where I found my purse and keys just sitting there right on the couch. I totally wanted to crawl in a hole and die. It was so ridiculous!!!!

Blackouts with the Captain

Last weekend I blacked out for most of the night after splitting a bottle of Captain Morgan's at a Halloween party with a friend, and I ended up losing the wig from my costume and breaking my phone. I know that sounds like a lot to drink. But really, it shouldn't be. The 2 of us used to go through 3 bottles of Captain (drinking rum & cokes) in one night and not black out. We're like the Captain Morgan's Queens!

So, this weekend I went over to her house again with a bottle. I don't remember anything after my 3rd drink when we left her house. And I lost my wallet & keys somewhere along the way. She said I was texting a guy that I think is cute and telling him "oh I get it.. you're with the girlfriend. That's why you don't want us to come over..."

She and I had a really good laugh about my crazy drunkeness while we were driving around the next day looking for my lost stuff. But the reality is, I think the combination of my Wellbutrin mixed with alcohol is causing my to get wayyyyy more drunk than I normally would and ultimately black out. I guess the only thing I can do is not drink so much. But that sucks because... well, I'm young. That's what we do! We get drunk and have fun.

Baby Girl, I'm a Blur

A week ago I went to see the band Say Anything. It was a Wednesday. I never go out on Wednesdays and I think the last time I went to a show was my Senior year in highschool. So this was pretty random for me. I was excited to go as this band brings me back to those days, embracing the age of my indie/hardcore roots, before I gave up on trying to be different and decided its just easier to conform. My friend who took me to the show sent me this article today. Here are a few more reasons I relate to and love this band:

"...wildly eclectic telling the ultimate love story, complete with madness, exhilaration, depression and redemption."

"...became obsessed with something he once considered to be contrived: boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl songs."

"Smoking pot and staying up nights stressing, he began to unravel. Then he had the psychotic episode that would largely influence In Defense of the Genre. 'I woke up one morning manic,' he says. 'I started to feel like I was being videotaped. And that's sort of how the rest of the afternoon unfolded, with me walking around Brooklyn being like, whoa, I'm in The Truman Show.' " Bemis was diagnosed as bipolar, and finished the album — a theatrical bunch of quirky, confessional pop-rock songs that showed off his vocal talents and stunning emotional range." [The album's description defines my own personality!]

"In therapy, I've been enslaved. I think I’ll medicate this rage."

"...burying himself in random sex and "exploring the void."

"...because nothing is certain in life and it's more about knowing how important a person was to you than whether you actually end up with the them."

"The music I grew up on was early emotional hardcore, and since it's become popular, people rarely recognize the culture behind it. There's no need to make fun of 'emo kids' all the time, but that's trendy now. It's important to know that you love something because you love something and it shouldn't matter what other people say."