I've kissed a girl or 2 in my day...& liked it!

When I first heard this song I think I had a mixed reaction. Part of me was like, "yeah, so what? A lot of people have. Do you think you're being rebellious? Stop trying to draw attention to yourself." The other part of me was like..."YEAH! Rock on! Good for you. And...me too, I totally liked it! I'd probably like to kiss Katy Perry."

I miss the days of kissing girls. It was a good time. I haven't known girls who are into that for a while now. It kinda sucks. Its like I only know girls who are boring and reserved. I don't even know where to find friends who are more wild and outgoing. I know some, but they're all bar whores and I don't really want to associate with them anyway because they don't have minds of their own.

Listen to Katy Perry's chart topping single "I kissed a girl (and I liked it)" on last.fm

Post Secret Sundays

I don't know who sent this, but they hit it right on the nail.

Post Secret - June 22, 2008

A Common Misconception

It seems that everyone I know is under the misconception that I am one of those people who feels like they need to be in a relationship, and that's why I have a boyfriend already. Apparently, having broke up with my fiance and called off a wedding is circumstance for joining a convent. I just don't understand why my mother, cousin, brother, and now my dad have all said, "Maybe you should stay away from boys for a while." or "Do you think its a good idea to jump into a relationship so soon?" Hey, answer this for me... Who decided that there are rules for how long you wait after a breakup? Who put anyone--anyone--in charge of what I do with my love life? Ughh... it just makes me so mad to have everyone saying the same thing. Do I really have to justify it to everyone? He is my best friend people! I wouldn't be dating him if I thought he wasn't worth it. I want to be with him almost 24-7 because I enjoy his company, not because I can't stand to be on my own. ...My mom knows more about my situation currently, so she's gotten better about it. She seems to be happy for me because she sees how happy BF makes me. She hears me talk about how in tune BF and I are and she's ok with it. She even told me, "You're very lucky. Some people go years, even their whole lives, without finding love and you have it right in front of you."

Despite my desire to be with BF, I have this feeling like I should just do what everyone says and be by myself for a while. Is it for my own benefit? Or is it to pacify everyone else? Either way, I think in the coming months I will try to keep my distance from him and see what happens. How much you wanna bet it doesn't last more than 2 weeks? ;)

Better, sort of...

Ok, so I've worked out a few days since the last post. I've been eating a lot better and trying to at least walk every day if I can't workout. Oddly though, I think I've gained weight! I am almost up to my highest weight ever and I feel all jiggly, bloated, and ugly. Then a couple days ago I started feeling really sick with typical symptoms of a bladder infection. How do I know that's what it was? I get them all the time. I had one just a couple months ago! Its so annoying, so painful, and worst of all... I can't have sex. I meant to call my doctor yesterday but after taking OTC pills to suppress the symptoms, I got busy at work and forgot to call for an appointment. I think there's something wrong with me! I mean, how is it possible that I get these so often? I'm not dirty...I take showers frequently, really I do! This plus the fact that I feel extra bloated just worries me. Is there any reason I would be retaining water due to this infection? Who knows. I guess that's a question I'll have to ask my doctor when I get that appointment.

A Turning Point

Yesterday I was at an extreme low. I was on my friend's new myspace profile when I noticed my ex-fiance in her top friends list. I was surprised to see that he even had a myspace since he had always sworn that it was stupid and he'd never do it. I'm guessing his sister or cousin put him up to it by saying, "you'll pick up chicks, man." So, seeing his picture I clicked on it to find a couple pics of him shirtless, showing off his new tattoos. He looks really good and it made me so sad to see him. I haven't seen or talked to him in months.

Then somehow I looked at the most recent pictures I have of myself, including a group shot from our camping trip which my friend had on her profile, and I thought "he's probably seen that picture... I look horrible in it!" I look not only fat, but very pregnant from the shirt I was wearing. I was disgusted with myself. I started looking for more recent pictures but in all that I could find I looked fat and gross. Well, this set me off... I continued to get more and more depressed about myself throughout the afternoon. I thought about how lazy and brain dead I've felt for the last few weeks, how unmotivated and unproductive I've been at work...choosing to expand my blogs and pretend to shop online rather than actually getting my job done. I thought about how much I've been eating and how I've been consuming mass amounts of carbs and not able to get myself motivated to workout at all. I'm back up to my highest weight and my stomach is bulging out. Yesterday after eating what I considered to be dinner (which was whatever was easy enough to take out of the fridge and heat up in the microwave: 6 sweet cheese pierogis and 3 buiscuits with honey...my cupboards are pretty bare since I'm so broke these days). I was so disgusted with myself that I actually tried to throw up what I'd just eaten. I've never done that before. But luckily I wasn't very successful so I don't think that'll be an easy habit to develop. I tried to draw to get my mind off things and give myself a little art therapy, but even that seemed unsuccessful. My hand wouldn't make the lines I wanted it to and things just didn't look right. I thought maybe I just needed to sleep which I often do when I'm depressed. But even that was difficult. My stomach ached, my muscles felt tense, I wanted to cry out in aggravation! Finally I decided to get up and get out of the house. BF will make me feel better. Being around him usually helps. He has such a joyful presence most of the time that it lifts my mood. I stopped at Oberweis and got a Banana Milkshake--my quick fix when I'm feeling low--then headed over to his house where he was watching the basketball game. It did help to be around him. His smile calmed me and when he saw my sketchbook in my bag he encouraged me to draw and gave me suggestions of what to draw. He seemed interested; I liked that. I still wasn't out of my slump, but I was better.

So, last night I went to bed thinking "I can't go on like this. I'm getting myself further and further into this hole and feeling like I've completely lost my brain. I have to do something about it." I turned off the lights to go to sleep and said out loud to myself. "Tomorrow will be good. Tomorrow you're going to be motivated, productive, happy, and eat better. Tomorrow you're going to turn yourself around!"

Well, its amazing what a little Caffiene and Guarana will do. I woke up late, still groggy and feeling like my pep talk hadn't worked. But I rushed to get showered and out of the house and stopped at Starbucks on the way to work and popped in a CD I thought would get me going. I decided to try their new Iced Doubleshot+Energy drink. It tastes great, just like a mocha! As I drove I kept turning up the volume and singing along with my Kanye West CD, bobbing my head and thinking about the lyrics.

"Determination, dedication, motivation, I'm talking to you, my many inspirations, When I say I can't, let you or self down, If I were of the highest cliff, on the highest riff, And you slipped off the side and clinched on to your life in my grip, I would never, ever let you down" --Never Let Me Down, Kanye West/JayZ : Listen on free.napster

"God show me the way because the devil trying to break me down; The only thing that that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now; And I don't thing there's nothing I can do now to right my wrongs; I want to talk to God but I'm afraid because we ain't spoke in so long..." --Jesus Walks, Kanye West : Listen on Last.fm

Not all of them are applicable, but there is something about this CD that just gets in me and makes me feel like I can do things. Its the most motivational CD I have. Its weird...who ever thought "College Dropout" would have that effect? So, this morning I am on my way to climbing out of this depression and into a better me... at least until the Starbucks wears off.

Cliffs

Something weird happened to me over the weekend. On Saturday I was kind of spaced out. BF and I watched a couple movies and then instead of figuring out what else we could do, I just sat on the couch and watched him for a couple hours. I mean, I didn't just sit there completely silent and stare at him. But we didn't really do anything specific except spend time together, talk about random stuff, hang out and do nothing. He's so goofy sometimes: rolling around on the floor with the cats, trapping them under boxes, making up songs and singing them out loud, doing different voices when he says stuff. Its weird. But I like that he feels that side of him is ok to bring out around me. It makes me laugh. He's always entertaining me.

Sunday I was sort of in the same mood. Then I started crying at one point during the day and I didn't even know why. BF asked me if he'd done something and I assured him that it had nothing to do with him. I went in the living room while he took a shower and grabbed my sketch book. I immediately started to draw a picture of 2 cliffs with a gray cloudy sky and full moon behind them. The day before I'd done a pastel drawing of a sunset with a cliff in the foreground. I realized that for some reason I've had this image of cliffs stuck in my head for the last few days. What could it mean? What am I trying to say?

Although I hadn't been dreaming about them, I looked up dreams to find a meaning for this imagery and I found these definitions:

1. Cliff Dream Meaning, Psychological meaning: You may be at a critical point in your life and fear loosing control. Emotionally you may feel as if you are 'teetering on the brink' or feel that your life is like a 'cliff hanger' movie. If you dream of climbing a cliff, it may show how you are trying to overcome an obstacle. Once over this problem the way ahead is smooth and even.

2. Cliff: To dream that you are standing at the edge of a cliff, denotes that you have arrived to an increased level of understanding, new awareness, and a fresh point of view. You may have reached a critical point in your life and may fear losing control.

3. Cliff - A place that represents a threat and feeling vulnerable. Falling from: Losing control of oneself or situation.

So I'm wondering...what do I fear losing control of? What would cause me to lose control of myself?

Crap. I got my period 2 days early. WTF?
I was really looking forward to seeing BF tonight after almost going a week without him. I made sure in the shower this morning that I'd be all silky smooth, too. Then Bam! it just hits me ahead of time. Oh the perils of being a girl. I don't think I'll ever stop complaining about them.

Get Out of My WED...er, I mean Head.

Sometimes I really annoy myself. I thought I'd gotten over my desire to get married for now. But now that I'm in love those wedding bells are back to haunt me. I can't stop thinking about weddings and wanting to have one of my own. Maybe its my biological clock ticking in my ear, "You're almost 28! Its time to get married and start a family!" But I don't even know if I could handle kids, so I definitely don't want them now! A wedding on the other hand... all the wonderful things that go with it... that I could handle now. However, BF is in no way ready for all that. He's younger than my ex-fiance was and he has so much more to do before he gets to the point of settling down. I don't want to scare him off. In the meantime, my mind is flooded with all these thoughts of destination weddings and wedding-related festivites. I just can't get them out of there! What is wrong with me?!

Chubby Love

I told myself I was going to go into the office today and get right to work to make up for my lack of concentration and productivity the last few days. But of course here I am, distracted already. I just had to say this though... I complimented one of the girls here at work on how thin she looks and we started talking about excercise. I told her, "BF is kinda chubby too (mostly just husky and musclular but there's enough cushion for the pushin'...hehe), so when I don't workout or don't eat right he'll get on my case." Its nice though, because we understand each other when it comes to that. If he's working out every day, then I get more motivated to do it too because I don't want him to be all hot and sexy and me be left feeling fat and ugly. We just have so much in common. Its so nice to be with someone who understands me for a change. ♥♥♥

Soothing My Anxiety

I'm glad I know of ways to deal with my anxiety when it hits. Being back at work sucks. Everyone's on my back about tasks I should've completed before I left so I wasn't swamped with them now and for some reason I can't get my mind to focus on what it should. I'm continually distracted by all my little internet vices. So, when I look at my list of things to do I begin to get dizzy and feel a tightness in my stomach... I got close to having an anxiety attack and I sure wasn't being pleasant to anyone who asked questions of me. Noticing this, I quickly thought about what CD usually helps. Since last.fm isn't working for me lately, I went to free.napster, looked up Brandy and played her Afrodisiac album. For some reason that seems to be the one that soothes me most when I get frantic. I'm feeling a little bit better now but my muscles still feel really tense. Like a lot of people, I'm sure, I get the urge to eat junk when I'm stressed. But I resisted as much as I could. I ate 1/2 a sandwich to try and settle the nerves in my stomach. ...but I soooooo want a brownie! ;)

Our Time

It finally came...Our Time. The time when BF and I always get together with friends for a weekend of enjoying the great outdoors free from responsibility. It was great! We work well together. He always has an agenda and timeline in his head of how he wants things to go and when I'm slacking he says just the right things to get me back on track, instead of nagging me and making me mad. He'll start to go through a list of what we need to pack or do and I'll tell him I've already done it. We haven't really had any arguments yet since we started seeing each other so I took note of what happened over the weekend. We got on each others nerves but always seemed to laugh about it and apologize right away if we got snippy at each other. On Saturday I was mad at him because he'd been playing bags for hours without stopping and I'd asked him to start grilling dinner so it would be ready in time for the whole campsite to eat together. Tired of waiting, one of the girls and I began preparing the food. Then I went over to ask him what else needed to be done before he could grill and he starts telling me what spices to put on the food. I said to him, "You know, you're really annoying me right now." He just laughed, "Yeah, ok." So I said, "I'm serious. You are." Then his face dropped a little and he got a look of disappointment in himself. "Really? Why?" he asked. ...I answered him calmly, "I've been asking you to do this and you just keep playing. I don't see why you need to keep playing bags after you've been winning for 4 hours already." He thought for a second and said, "I'm sorry...Ok. Let me finish this last game and I'll come over and cook dinner." and he gave me a kiss. It was the most simple clean argument I've ever had! I was so proud of us for dealing with it so well! Granted, it was so minuscule that it probably doesn't count but it felt good.

Then on Sunday... some time in between roasting marshmallows, downing SoCo, running in from the rain, and waking up in different clothes than I'd had on before...he and I tried to get busy in the truck. I have bruises all over my legs and thighs from trying to maneuver my body on top of his in the drivers seat. The steering wheel, gear shift, and whatever else must've been poking me from all directions! The sudden thunder storm must've added to the intoxication because I can't remember anything after running from the fire toward the tents, and apparently in my passionate drunken stupor I said something totally absurd. "Babies! Give me babies!"

....um...WHAT?!!! Am I insane? Where do these things come from? I must've sounded like a lunatic! Who says that while mounting their man in a pickup truck? That is the most white-trash thing that could possibly happen! I was so utterly embarrassed the next day when we woke up and he just laughed and muttered..."babies". The funny thing is he wasn't freaked out at all. When he actually woke up and got out of the truck I'd been up for a while. He put his arms around me, held me close, kissed me on top of the head and said, "Its ok...I'd make babies with you any day, Babe."