Ha...The Soundtrack

To my life....

Gym Class Heroes - The Queen and I
Dashboard Confessional - Screaming Infidelities
The Killers - All the Pretty Faces
Alicia Keys - No One
Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry

... music is such a powerful thing.

Another Late Night Out

Last night I drove around and dropped off the last few Christmas presents I had for friends. When I stopped at my best friend's house to give him his gift, I ended up staying for a while. That could've been predicted considering we never want to leave each other's side once we're together. He didn't have a gift for me, so he made dinner for the two of us and then we watched a movie...sort of. I swear I didn't come over to his house for that reason! It just seems to happen... we find each other irresistable.

Text messages from my fiance were coming in every half hour or so past 11:00pm. First suggesting that I come home from "the bar", then once I texted that I wasn't at the bar, the texts changed to a more sarcastic and suspicious tone. I know he's not stupid, so I don't blame him for saying something. But I was hoping he would just trust us a little bit...just long enough for us to break it off on our own without him realizing what's going on. So, toward the end of the movie came the moment by bf and I had both been avoiding... "we need to talk". I could tell how difficult it was for him to say, "we can't keep doing this." Then he went on... "I've wanted you for so long and you make me so happy whenever I'm around you. But I just can't do this to him. I love that boy too much. ...I love you too, but ...you know."

"I know. You're right. ...so we just have to hang out without having sex ...or kissing... or touching... " I replied, sighing and biting my lip.

He answered, "Well, we can still flirt like we always have. But yeah... So, are we ever going to tell him?"

"No. Never." I said, "Deny deny deny. There's no reason for him to know. It would just hurt him even more."

So...there it is... a breakup of sorts. A breakup of the benefits side of being best friends with him. Now... its time for me to focus on what I really want, without being distracted by the crazy chemistry with my bf. What a life I live.... nonstop drama.

Confusion and Decision Making

Talked to mom today. I've decided that I can't go through with it. I can't get married. Maybe there is nothing real between my best friend and I. But there is surely not enough between my fiance and I... otherwise I wouldn't be so unfaithful, right? I can't marry someone I'm not in love with. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it or how I'm going to tell him, but I am going to call it off. I'm scared of what comes next.

Totally Confused

I don't know what's going on now. I feel like I let myself get too wrapped up in this intensity with my best friend. I think about him constantly, I make a point to go out on the weekends in hopes that I'll meet up with him and end up going home with him. But when I don't talk to him for 3 days he never attempts to contact me. So, maybe he's really not as interested as I thought. The other day he said to me, "We have to talk." and I thought I knew what he meant, so I said, "Yeah, I know... and we need to not be drunk when we do talk because I say way too much when I'm drunk." He replied, "Yeah, I know." So, I texted him the next day to ask him if this talk was important enough that it needed to be soon, and maybe we could do dinner that night. But he said no, it can be whenever. So...I'm so confused. At my family Christmas party I was picturing him there instead of my fiance. I kept thinking, "how would he fit in here instead of FI." And I wasn't sure that he would be the perfect match either... so its not like I'm looking for someone to replace my fiance and step into that role right away. I just love being with my bf. I don't expect anything from him but that he want to be with me just as much. No commitment, no strings, just love. But maybe I'm in too deep and he sees that now, and he wants to run.

So, I'm totally disinterested in my marriage, and now I'm going to lose my best friend too. Maybe its PMS talking... I don't really know. Its funny how I always have a hunch that it might be PMS when I get really emotional. I just feel like I am always messing things up. Getting married was the only good thing I had going for me. Within the past 4 days, two other girls I know have become engaged, and family is giving me Christmas gifts that are appropriate for married couples. That makes me feel even more like I'm supposed to be getting married. But now I'm just so turned off by it. There's so much missing that I had ignored before. Did I just give up on what I really wanted out of love because I had been depressed? I can't believe that I would do that. I'm a dreamer. How could I just give up on romance?

Keeping My Mouth Shut

I feel like a complete idiot. I should've kept my mouth shut the other night. Now I'm stressing over the fact that I told him I'm in love with him and I remember him saying, "you're just confused..." And yeah, I am confused! I'm totally confused. How could I not be? I think I'm in love with my best friend/one of fiance's best friends... Ugh. Whatever. So, I've decided to just not talk to him for a while and see what happens since he's not living out of state at the moment. But its only been 24 hours since I talked to him last and if feels like forever! I am constantly thinking about him and I have to actually make an effort NOT to text him when I think of stuff that reminds me of him... or to just send him little inside jokes. I'm so ridiculous. I've really been contemplating talking this over with my mom because I know she'll be the first one to be accepting of the fact that I'm having issues. She'd want me to work them out before we go and spend thousands of dollars on a wedding for a marriage that isn't right. But at the same time, I'm just scared to talk to anyone about it because I know I'm being so unfair to my fiance. Everyone will hate me for it. It will be a disaster.

Screaming Infidelities

What a ride I'm on.... this crazy messed up friendship-lovespell thing I'm in... I left the house at 10:30pm Friday night to go to the bar and sit by myself... just so I could be sure I wouldn't miss my chance to meet up with him after he drove 4 and 1/2 hours back home from the city he was supposed to have moved to by now. My heart beats so fast just thinking about it.

Then last night I stayed out late drinking with him again and went back to his house... where we layed together and talked--sort of--and in the midst of it the "I love you"s somehow turned into "I'm IN love with you". Now I'm not sure if he was just really drunk and didn't mean to say that or if he really meant it. But of course, I'd been waiting for those words to come out of his mouth because I've been holding back so much. Immediately, I asked him to repeat it and he wouldn't at first. Then he must have because I couldn't hold back anymore and I repeated it back to him.
So...here we are, like a couple of school kids, staying out late and staying up into the morning making out and confessing our love for each other. Oh wow, that sounds so ridiculous when I actually say it out loud... am I really doing that?

Meanwhile...I'm getting in "trouble" all the time with my fiance. He's always mad because I go out to the bars, stay out late, and sleep over at people's houses. He knows where I am every time. I keep him updated, and I stay over at people's houses so I don't drive drunk. But he still yells at me and texts me to come home. I suppose I can't completely get away with what I'm doing. But as long as its the little things he's getting mad about and he doesn't actually find out about the infidelities... I guess I can handle that. ...wow. I'm a terrible person.

Satisfying a Woman Who Thinks Like a Guy

We did it. The flirting and chemistry was just too much to handle! So, as soon as I knew my period was gone (...sorry, probably TMA) I made a date with him. Sunday Blockbuster night. I had to!! I couldn't stand not being with him another minute. I drove all the way to a party he was at Friday at 4am just so I could kiss his black eye (from a fight he got in earlier) and be with him for a little while that night, so by Sunday I was craving his attention. I love the way he grabs my beltloops when he's walking behind me and pulls me close to him. I love how he constantly wants to touch me... rubbing my thighs, tickling my arms and neck, grabbing my ass when he walks past, kissing my forehead or cheeks. No one else has ever been like that with me! He grabs my hips and gently digs his fingers in on my hip bones and it drives me crazy... I have to move away and say, "oh no... don't do that now..." with a smile on my face, of course. He walks up behind me and kisses the back of my neck... I've always loved it when someone did that. Why doesn't my fiance do that!?

So... we got a movie, we weren't even drinking at all, and half way through the movie we just started looking at each other. I'd catch him looking at me, or he'd catch me looking at him... then finally... just started making out. And after a few minutes he stopped kissing and just looked at me. So, I'm like, "what?" And he says, "you're looking at me like you want to say C'mon mother fucker! Rip my clothes off already!" ...that was a pretty vulgar interpretation of what I was thinking but he wasn't that far off considering I'd been wanting him every day for who knows how long. So, I laughed said, "well... yeah... pretty much."

After it was done, I was so relieved. Ahhh... I could've fallen asleep right then and there. I don't know how he does it, as awkard as it may be physically (remember the movie pic from the previous blog! lol..), he is so good at satisfying me. We started talking a little and he asks me, "Do you feel bad?" ....I answered, "Do I feel bad about what?...cheating? ..... no ...If it was anyone else I would feel bad. But not with you. In a perfect world I would be able to have 2 guys and I would be content with that. But... I can't so this is how it has to be." ...He laughed a little and said, "You know you think like a guy, right?" And I answered, "Yeah... I kinda turn myself on by that." (wink) I guess its just the whole factor of wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Usually its the guys that think that way... the guys that go around breaking hearts. But in my case... I'm just one of the guys.

Anxiety Attack!!!

2:00pm-I'm fucking having an anxiety attack. The president of our company just called me while I was in the middle of writing out another blog explaining the rollercoast of emotions I've been on the last 2 days and started asking me all these questions to which I don't have the answer and there's no reason I would have the answer to begin with. I feel like I'm shaking, my eyes are starting to well up and my heart is pounding.

Is this my fucking period? Why did it come yesterday? Its at least a week early! I don't understand. I'm not supposed to be feeling this way. I thought I was happy now. My meds are supposed to be making me happy now!!! Wtf? I fucking hate anxiety.. I think I have to go home. I can't stay here like this I'll fucking freak out.....

I've been questioning everything. I'm doubting my wedding. I don't know why Mike is even with me. He makes me feel like I'm worthless and could be replaced by a dog, by saying that I'm lazy and don't clean for shit. I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

2:19pm--My head is spinning. My chest is tight, I'm almost short of breath. My abs are tight, like I'm holding them in for crunches on purpose. I ran out to the car to get my CDs b/c I remember when I used to have anxiety all the time I made myself a note to listen to soothing music. As I was running out there I was thinking, "what did I always listen to then? What was it?.... Brandy & Christina!" So, I grabbed them and went back to my desk to try and focus on staying under control. I think I'm maintaining pretty well on the outside. The music seems to be helping. But I feel like I'm trapped in an invisible bubble that only stretches as long as my elbows and if anyone comes up and talks to me I'm just going to freak out or freeze up and give them the deer in headlights look.

3:13pm--Hahaha...ok, I find this funny. I just listened to the whole Brandy CD. I've calmed down imensely. I feel a lot more collected, and I even offered to help my friend with something she was working on, which means I'm able to focus again and comprehend things. ...and.... I just got a call from my bf inviting me to have a "lovely" dinner and watch a movie tonight instead of going out drinking for 50 cent draft night. Things are looking up. Its so adorable that he asks me to come over for dinner and a movie. Now, if only I could get past the fact that my fiance is mad at me for telling him I was going out for drinks tonight with one of my girlfriends (which I really was planning on doing and coming home by 9 or 10!)... then I might be able to make dinner and a movie. But if not, then I think I'd better stay home.

...I also find it funny that best friend and boyfriend have the same abbreviation. So, when I type bf thinking best friend, I read it back later and it reads boyfriend. ha!

The Odd Couple

I just wanted to point out something funny that I thought of as we were watching this movie last night. I posted a picture a couple days ago, from the movie "A Lot Like Love", because the look on their faces really shows the chemistry I'd been talking about. But then when we were watching Knocked Up last night and I saw the odd couple in that movie... a pretty girl, tall and thin, with a goofy looking guy who's really hairy, kinda chubby, and rough looking... it made me laugh. I thought, "that looks way more like us!" Hahaha.. except I think my guy is fatter and has shorter hair so doesn't have the benefit of the sexy jewfro. LOL.

Stop Messing With My Head

So, I basically spent the whole weekend with him. I got all ready for this "date" we were supposed to be going on Saturday night (like a girl usually would for a real date...shaved, showered, dolled up and smelling all good), and then I come to find out we're just going to hang out with our friends at their house. That was confusing. He did take me out to dinner though, just the 2 of us, which was nice...and then he kissed me several times after we left the restaurant, putting me into a daze right before we went to our friends house and then left me hanging the rest of the night because we can't do anything in front of our friends. Wierd. I don't understand... is he trying to show me that we can just be friends and hang out without getting sexual? Or was he just trying to restrain himself because he doesn't want to do that to his boy again? I don't know. Its so confusing.

We stayed at our friends house overnight because we were getting drunk and the weather was crappy so it was safer. I didn't realize till the next day that I was stuck there with them all day while they watched football. I didn't even have any way to go home and take a shower. It sucked. I pretty much napped on and off all day with my head on his shoulder while he watched the games. That was nice. It was comforting. It reminded me of when I was younger and couldn't sleep at night. I'd go into the living room and put my head on my dad's shoulder and try to fall asleep there while he watched the games or shows he'd taped from ealier in the day. So, finally we left our friends house to go home. I figured we'd just go back to his house, I'd get my car and go home. But he ended up driving out of the way to show me all these houses that were decorated for xmas, and then we went and rented a movie. I didn't get home until 10:30pm and I was so exhausted. I'm still exhausted today, and a little sick to my stomach because I didn't have my pills with me yesterday so I think that threw me off a bit.

Ok, so seriously... I don't get it. He told me he hasn't had sex in a month or more because he's been waiting for this girl he's seeing to give it up. But... he's had every opportunity to get together with her for that and instead, he's spent that time with me. She even texted him while we were watching the movie and said, "you've been ignoring me all wknd". I told him she's probably pissed because she wants to get laid too. But he said, "oh well. I've been occupied." ...what does that mean?? I almost know him better than he does when it comes to that. How could he not be interested in that? Unless... he's more interested in me.

A date?

We went out tonight... just as friends..my best friend and I. I fell asleep after work and when he called we just went out for some drinks. Then he dropped me off and left to go meet the girl he's seeing. So, I texted him and he ended up calling me to tell me that he's really feeling me and doesn't know how to handle it right now so he has to just go home. But tomorrow he wants to take me out on a date... a real date. We've never done that before. We've gone for food and he's bought me lunch or breakfast or dinner... whatever. But we've never had an official date. What does this mean? We're going to go on a date and we'll probably end up sleeping together, then he's going to leave me for 9 months only to come back just in time for my wedding? I don't know. All I know is that I can't wait to be close to him again.

"Come Back To Me"

So much going on. Can't think straight enough to explain anything right now. Too much hyperactivity in my brain. All I can think is this song.

Everything you say or do; I am always there for you; Whether you're laughing or you're screaming; No one else could take your place; I will always see your face; When I'm awake and when I'm dreaming;

Cause I believe there's a place for you and me in this crazy world;

If you come running back to me I'll be here waiting; Cause I still believe in a love worth saving; If you could see the sad look on my face; You'd be in your car headed back to my place; Come back to me, I'll be here waiting; Cause I'm on my knees and my love's not fading; If you could see the sad look on my face; You'd be in your car headed back to my place;

I can't stand to watch you go; Cause in my head deep down I know; I don't wanna live without you; I love the way we stay up late; The way you laugh at your mistakes; I love everything about you;

No, don't wanna let you go; Girl, you belong in my heart, in my arms, in my bed; Girl, quit messing with my head; Say that you're coming back to stay right here with me;
-Plain White T's -

2 Days Later

Its only been 2 days since he supposedly left. I drove by his house yesterday just to see if his truck was still there. As if I thought he was faking it and just ignoring everyone's calls all day. But the driveway was empty. Then I found out he had been there only 2 hours before. He actually left a day later than intended and he'll be coming back today and then leaving again for good in 2 more days. I think I'm kind of depressed. I've been sort of mopey the last couple days. At first I thought it was because he wasn't going to be around anymore. So, I was like, "I'm sad. My friend moved away." But now I think it might be because I feel stupid. I mean, what is my big issue? Do I think that we're really in love and if he was here we could be together? No... I'm getting married. He is pretty much best friends with both me and my fiance. He's not going to do that to his boy. Besides, if he was in love with me he would've made it known a long time ago like when I was actually single and he & I were sort of seeing each other. That was probably the best chance he had to tell me if he wanted to be with me and he didn't say it then. In fact, all either of us could say then was, "We could never date. It would just be too weird." (oh...but we could spend every day together, go out in public together, and sleep together.) To be honest, right now I feel like he is the only one who can make me completely happy. Which is probably why this whole thing is driving me so crazy. But the thing is.. I sit here analyzing things all day. Why does he look me straight in the eyes and tell me he loves me all the time? How come when we were out on Saturday and I finally met the girl he's been seeing, he was with me in another room saying, "Do you know how much I love you? Its driving me crazy because I have to hide it since she's here." Why, if he doesn't feel the same way, was he sitting there across from me last weekend with his head in his hands as if he was trying to figure something out before crawling into bed with me? What was he thinking? Was it just a question of whether or not he could resist my charms? Or was it what I'd like to believe..."why am I so in love with her?" ....this is driving me insane!!

I'm Trapped in a Glass Case of Emotion!

My best friend is moving out of state today. I have so much going on in my head!! Especially after the recent chain of events that I've been through. I wish I had someone to talk to about this and help me figure it all out, but its so secret that I can't tell any of my girlfriends. Our circle of friends is too close and we all talk too much to keep things a secret. I can't even talk it out with my best friend either because its about him. I just want to ask someone... what would you do in this situation? Its just too crazy! Help me figure it out!

Yet again I feel like my life is a movie. Nothing but drama and mystery in an ever thickening plot.

I'm a Selfish Lover!!!!

Ok, I guess since my fiance and I don't really have a lot of sex or even mess around that much anymore I'd forgotten the whole reason behind it. He's a terrible lover! Well, maybe not terrible. I mean, he's ok. But its always awkward and there is no chemistry. How did we ever get this far with our sex life being so lame? I don't understand! I mean, it must have been good in the beginning. We f*cked like bunnies at least for the first year. Then I don't know what happened. Now that we're like an old married couple we just got used to the fact that we're not going to be all over each other all the time and that's ok. We are a great couple without that. Some people would probably think we're nuts because there are a lot of things that we think work for our relationship but might seem weird to others. But it just seems to be ok with us.

... I'm still wondering, though, why my best friend can turn me on like no other and my own fiance makes me want to run in the other room and hide.

I Got My Manic Back

I did it again. I messed around with my best friend. Only this time it wasn't just a random drunken makeout session. Sure, we'd both had a handful of beers. I've found that beer doesn't make me blackout the way rum does now. I'm ok with just drinking beer. But for some reason I've been lusting after him in my head for a week (or weeks) and I finally couldn't take the sexual tension anymore. I have no idea what it is about him that does this to me but he has the ability to make my whole body tingle just by sitting next to me and grabbing my hand. Maybe its that its taboo. Maybe its the fact that we're so close, yet we're still able to keep that pretend wall up that makes it so we don't know the unattractive sides of each other. You know, that side you get to know when you've been in a long relationship with someone or...you're marrying them in 10 months. Yeah, my cheating days are supposed to be over. But I'm still unable to resist this one temptation. Part of me thinks that maybe its the meds. This new medication has me feeling fantastic--like I'm back to my old self again! However, there is that promiscuity factor that comes along with the happy me. Oh, manic phase how I've missed you so... if that is what's going on here. Or maybe I'm just really in love with him and I can't contain it. Hmm.. what would that do to my soon-to-be marriage?

All This Just to Get My Keys Back!

Ok… so I go to the house we went to the other day, which we thought was the house we'd been at last Friday, and I’m trying all the doors. Nothing’s open. I see the side window by the driveway is unlocked so I was about to try and open it but I figured I better ring the bell first. I ring the bell and a little old lady comes to the window and says, “can I help you?” So I had to tell her that I think I have the wrong house, I’m looking for Dee. She said there’s no Dee there, so I said I was very sorry and I left. Then within the next hour and a ½ I drove around in that little area, like a 4 block radius, creeping up on houses, getting out of my car and walking down the driveways to try and see the addresses b/c I didn’t have my glasses--since they're in my car which I have no keys for--and I’m totally blind in the dark, or to see if there was a couch in the back yard b/c that’s where she said she’d leave my purse and keys. I couldn’t understand her on the phone when I called to ask her for the address b/c there was too much background noise like she was in a bar, so I’m looking for 985 Aspen and can’t find it. I figured I must’ve heard her wrong so I’m going to 485 Ashland, 445 Alpine, 985 Arizona! Looking for a grey & brick house b/c that’s what she told me it looked like. I stopped at a house that looked like that, walked around the back and was about to try the door but figured I should ring the bell first just in case. I rang the front door bell and it was an old man! So, he tried to give me directions to Ashland b/c at that point I thought it had to be on Ashland. Still couldn’t find anything. I must’ve turned around 17 times! I called J and tried to get the directions from him again but he said exactly what he said to us the first time, so that’s what I had been doing the whole time and found nothing. I texted Dee and asked her to text the address to me b/c I think I misunderstood her and there is no 985 Aspen. She says, “yes there is. That’s the address.” So, I’m on the phone with FI all distraught b/c I’ve been driving in circles for an hour and a ½, can’t find it, and then I get pulled over by a cop!! As he’s walking up to the truck FI says he thinks his insurance is not in the car, its in his wallet at home, so I’m like, OH fricken great! I’ll call you back. The cop comes to the window and says, “Um… Are you lost? I saw you drive up and down Ashland about 10 times in the last hour.” So, yeah, I tell him I’m lost I’m trying to find this house that’s supposed to be at 985 Aspen and there is no Aspen. He says… “Aspen’s on the other side of Higgins.” (!?!?!?!) So, he says, “C’mon I’ll take you over there you can follow me.” I follow him over there, he stops at the first house on Aspen, shines his light on it and moves on. So, I wave my hand out the window, stop the car, get out and walk into the back yard. There must have been 100 old chairs back there!!! It was like a fricken junk yard!!! I’m like, “wtf? You’ve got to be kidding me! How could I not remember a yard this weird?” So, I look around… no couch. I go to the door and start to open it, and there’s a lady crouched down next to it about to put a leash on her dog. So, I’m like “OH.. um, I’m not sure if I have the right house. I’m looking for Dee. Does Dee live here?” And I think the lady wanted to close the door so she’s like, “no, there’s no Denise here.” And I was just so confused that I kept asking her questions… “Is this 985 Aspen? Do you know where 985 is?” I guess she was about to walk her dog, so she comes outside and I explained to her that a cop was supposed to be showing me to the right house but he stopped here. She walks out front with her dog, and tries to tell me which house she thinks is 985. The cop then pulls back up and is like, “what are you doing?” So, I explain to him that I thought this was the house he was pointing to and he says, “no, I was just trying to see the addresses.” So, then he gets back in his car, backs up. Stops right in front of the house so I can’t go past him. Asks me for my information, and types in the computer “getting purse from 985 Aspen”. Then walks me into the back yard where I found my purse and keys just sitting there right on the couch. I totally wanted to crawl in a hole and die. It was so ridiculous!!!!

Blackouts with the Captain

Last weekend I blacked out for most of the night after splitting a bottle of Captain Morgan's at a Halloween party with a friend, and I ended up losing the wig from my costume and breaking my phone. I know that sounds like a lot to drink. But really, it shouldn't be. The 2 of us used to go through 3 bottles of Captain (drinking rum & cokes) in one night and not black out. We're like the Captain Morgan's Queens!

So, this weekend I went over to her house again with a bottle. I don't remember anything after my 3rd drink when we left her house. And I lost my wallet & keys somewhere along the way. She said I was texting a guy that I think is cute and telling him "oh I get it.. you're with the girlfriend. That's why you don't want us to come over..."

She and I had a really good laugh about my crazy drunkeness while we were driving around the next day looking for my lost stuff. But the reality is, I think the combination of my Wellbutrin mixed with alcohol is causing my to get wayyyyy more drunk than I normally would and ultimately black out. I guess the only thing I can do is not drink so much. But that sucks because... well, I'm young. That's what we do! We get drunk and have fun.

Baby Girl, I'm a Blur

A week ago I went to see the band Say Anything. It was a Wednesday. I never go out on Wednesdays and I think the last time I went to a show was my Senior year in highschool. So this was pretty random for me. I was excited to go as this band brings me back to those days, embracing the age of my indie/hardcore roots, before I gave up on trying to be different and decided its just easier to conform. My friend who took me to the show sent me this article today. Here are a few more reasons I relate to and love this band:

"...wildly eclectic telling the ultimate love story, complete with madness, exhilaration, depression and redemption."

"...became obsessed with something he once considered to be contrived: boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl songs."

"Smoking pot and staying up nights stressing, he began to unravel. Then he had the psychotic episode that would largely influence In Defense of the Genre. 'I woke up one morning manic,' he says. 'I started to feel like I was being videotaped. And that's sort of how the rest of the afternoon unfolded, with me walking around Brooklyn being like, whoa, I'm in The Truman Show.' " Bemis was diagnosed as bipolar, and finished the album — a theatrical bunch of quirky, confessional pop-rock songs that showed off his vocal talents and stunning emotional range." [The album's description defines my own personality!]

"In therapy, I've been enslaved. I think I’ll medicate this rage."

"...burying himself in random sex and "exploring the void."

"...because nothing is certain in life and it's more about knowing how important a person was to you than whether you actually end up with the them."

"The music I grew up on was early emotional hardcore, and since it's become popular, people rarely recognize the culture behind it. There's no need to make fun of 'emo kids' all the time, but that's trendy now. It's important to know that you love something because you love something and it shouldn't matter what other people say."

Crazy Spaz Girl!

Anyone know the meaning of the word "psycho"? Because that's how I feel today... like a total psycho by my definition. I'm a total spaz!! I'm hyper, but not in a good way. I'm irritable, stressed out, spaztic, crazy!! I feel like I have so much to do and no time to get any of it done. I just want to scream at everyone "STFU!!" and throw stuff and freak out... but I'm controlling it pretty well. I yelled at one guy. But he deserved it. He kept getting on my case about printing a stupid calendar that I'd already printed twice already with corrections, so I told him to just take a pen and correct it.

I actually had a dream last night that I freaked out at the president of the company I work for and got myself fired. Good thing he wasn't here today. It could've been a premonition!

I hate this me.

Ok, seriously... when did I become this antisocial person who doesn't care about anything? I don't have the energy or interest to even decorate for Halloween this year. WTF!? Halloween is my favorite holiday!! I love dressing up and going out to parties to see everyone that I haven't seen in a year. But I'm not even dressing up this year! None of the cute costumes fit me and I don't have the money to get a new costume. I don't know if this is just my period talking and its just hitting me really hard right now, or what? I can't stand this person who I am now. I used to be so excited to go out and party and now all I want to do is sit at home and its not b/c I don't have any friends like it was last year. This year I actually have people to hang out with, I'd just rather sit home on the computer. Just thinking about this makes me mad. I really hope this new medicine works b/c I am starting to get really sick of myself and its just going to make me even more depressed. God, I wish I could just be freakin normal! Is that so much to ask?!! That I just be a normal person with regular brain chemistry and no mental problems!?!!!! Isn't there a pill out there that will just make me a better person altogether? C'mon, give me a break here!

Uhh...OCD much?

I'm so frustrated with myself lately. I can't focus on anything that I should be focusing on, and I'm totally OCD about things that I don't need to focus on. I'll spend all day at work playing on the computer. Really, it is playing b/c I'm just trying outfits on my virtual bridal party at DavidsBridal.com, or chatting about nonsense in wedding websites, or whatever. I have so much work to do at my job and its all piling up. I'm procrastinating like crazy. Oh, and the OCD thing... its crazy b/c I had a little bump that I thought was an ingrown hair and I sat there for almost 45 minutes with a tweezers trying to dig it out until I finally realized I had made a huge hole in my skin, there was no hair in there to begin with, and I'd plucked all the surrounding hairs so I now have a bald spot there. Not to mention I think I have a cold sore on my lip. I've never had one before so I thought it was a pimple that wasn't ready to come out yet. So, I started squeezing it to try and make it come out and it turned into a big white bump. I swear it better not be there b/c of my makeout session w/the BFF/GM. I'll kill him. Ughhh, whatever. Everything is just making me nuts lately. I really need to try extra hard to focus and get my work done and get caught up to where I'm supposed to be at my job. I think I'm going to ask my psychiatrist about taking ritalin or adderol when I see her Saturday. My flakiness is getting out of hand and there's gotta be something I can do about it. Ok, time to get off the internet for once and get to work. Sure, I hate my job. But I don't want to get fired before I can get myself together enough to find a new one!

See... just typing up this blog has completely deterred my chain of focus from how it was when I first got into work. I've gotta get back on track.

Always Wonder What They Think

I guess I'm a little bit paranoid. I'm always thinking that people are talking about me behind my back. Even online in message boards, I'll get a reply on a message I posted and I'll think "what is that supposed to mean?" Or I won't get any responses and I'll think, "are they boycotting me?...are they emailing each other offline to make fun of me, saying that I must be crazy, that I'm an idiot, that I'm too poor to have such expensive taste?"

In everyday life there are tons of things to make me paranoid. I think I'll get fired from my job b/c I know I'm just not the best at it. I think my friends don't really like me, they're just being my friends because they feel bad for me. There's an anti-drug commercial on the radio now where a the girl is saying weed doesn't make her paranoid. "Is my zipper down? Is my shirt inside out? Are my shoes on the wrong feet? Do my socks match? Did I rip my jeans? It's it a zit, isn't it? It's a giant zit!" I'm kinda like that girl, but without the weed. Thoughts run through my head like crazy...

"Are my pants too short? Is my shirt bunched up? Are my roots too dark? Is my chest breaking out? Do I need more makeup? Am I sweating too much? Is he shorter than me? Are my heels too high? Are my thighs too fat? Is my belly sticking out? Is my butt crack showing? Is this too much cleavage? Is he looking at me? Does he like me? Am I flirting too much? Did he see my ring? Is anyone looking? Why is everyone staring at me? Did they see that? Should I tip the bartender? Should I take out more money? Will I get a new job? Can I handle a new job? Am I slow? Do they think I'm dumb? Should I be working harder? Am I incompetent? Am I really just lazy? Do I look like a slob? Am I fat? ....."

Best Friends With Benefits

The other night I had a mini makeout session with my best friend. My best friend who is also a groomsman in my upcoming wedding next year. It wasn't much, just a little kissy kissy. But with him, they are the kind of kisses one yearns for. They are the sweet, pouty lipped, passionate kisses that every couple in love should have. But wait, we're not in love. I'm engaged! And my best friend--my male best friend--considers my fiance to be one of his best friends too. So, why is it that no matter how long we know each other... no matter how many times we try to get over each other... we can't ever kick the fact that we have an unbelievable chemistry between us? And in our drunken stupor the other night, we somehow ended up on the floor ecxhanging passionate kisses and repeated "I love yous". ...I love yous?! What? Yes. Yes, I do love him. I love him more than anything. But sometimes it just really throws a wrench in the works. My soon to be marriage is the only thing I have going for me right now. Who knows if I'll ever accomplish anything else in life. I can't mess it up.

Did I mention that I hate my job?

Yeah, just wanted to reiterate. I HATE MY JOB!!!!!

The First 2 Hours

This is a constant struggle. Up until 10:00am I'm good to go. I've had my coffee, I'm focused and organized. I'm getting stuff done at work. During that time I feel like its ok. I can handle it. So, I think to myself, "Should I just stick it out another year or so at this job? Can I handle another year or so? If I do, I'll probably get a nice monetary gift from the company for my wedding next year..." But I can't put myself through misery for an entire year while also stressing out about the wedding planning just so I'll get a fat check from the company. That's ridiculous. But this company is ridiculous, so it would actually make some sense in that aspect.

Too Young to Feel this Damn Old!

I'm cold.
I hate work.
I hate people.
I'm tired contantly.
I'm depressed most of the time.
I don't do anything but mess around on the computer all day.

When did I get so old?

Dead End Jobs & Big Fat Budget Woes

As if I couldn't get enough stress right now... the last week or so has been insane trying to find a place to have our wedding that will be even remotely affordable. I wanted some place special, somewhere different from the usual European style Midwest banquet hall wedding--a castle, a small mansion, a restaurant with a view--some place that would stand out from the rest. But it turns out that we just aren't able to afford anything different. So much for my dreams and desires of having classy touches of high society into our day. No matter how hard I wish for it, I just can't escape the fact that I don't come from money, I don't have money, and at the rate I'm going... I won't ever be anything other than average.

Then today I stayed home from work. Why? Because I couldn't get my fat ass into any of my work pants!! Every time I've said I'm going to diet in the past 6 months I've cheated and blew the diet within the 1st 2 days. But, I don't get it. I weighed myself today and I'm at least 4 lbs less than my normal weight. How is it that I can't button my pants? So, staying home from work, I hoped I would be able to relax a little and be refreshed to go back to my job tomorrow, since I've been overworked and stressed out there as well. Instead, I spent the whole day looking for a new job and thinking about how much I hate my current one. I have no experience for any of the jobs I'm interested in applying to, and any time I read a job for an administrative position I cringe at the list of expectations and think, "No! I don't want to do this bullshit anymore!!" So, I constantly get stuck in the same predicament: hate my dead end job but can't do anything about it.

And on top of all that, my fiance comes home to see me here and the first thing he says is, "You could've at least cleaned the house if you're gonna stay home." Then after I do the dishes, a load of laundry, and try to straighten up the living room he says, "you didn't do shit. It looks the same as it did when I got home." Well, excuse me if I don't feel like vaccuming while you're watching TV. Why do you think I usually leave the cleaning up to him? Because he's a pain in the ass about it and he likes to do it his way.

This is just the kind of stress I need, you know? Everything piled on top of each other. I might as well just put some whip cream on my fat ass, top it with a cherry, and call it a day.

What is this?

I googled my blog name to see how easily someone could find it. Surprisingly it did come up, but in this site called technorati. I'm not quite sure I understand that site. They're saying I should claim my blog so I can make a profile? But I can do that here on Blogger. Why would I need to do it elsewhere? Is someone else going to claim it as their own if I don't? That wouldn't be right. Someone else trying to claim my life?!

Aches N Pains

I've always had these aches and pains whenever I got too tired. When I was little I'd be at a sleepover and I'd get sick to my stomach, a headache or earache, my back starts to get tired and achy... one time I had to have my mom come pick me up in the middle of the night because I thought I was sick. It turned out I was just too tired and should've been in bed instead of up eating popcorn and watching the Aerosmith video for Janie's Got A Gun.

So, for the last couple weeks I've been stressed out at work and staying up too late at night. About 3:00pm every day I get achy and headachy and tired. My shoulders start to cramp up and I lose focus. Its really uncomfortable and distracting. I wish I could just go home instead of sticking around here dealing with the pain. I tried taking some Ibuprofen one day but it didn't help at all. Maybe if I didn't waste time blogging all day I'd be done with my work quicker and really could go home. Then again.. my work is never done here and it probably wouldn't look so good if I was going home all the time.

Grr...it makes me feel like I need a cheesburger and milkshake. Not good when I'm only on day 2 of dieting. I need to get more sleep.

The Ex Factor

I guess I’m a little late on this one…I recently discovered the eye candy that is Jesse Metcalfe. Apparently he stars on the show Desperate Housewives, but I never watch that show so I hadn’t noticed him until now when he made a guest appearance on LA Ink, looking especially sexy and scruffy at the same time. I couldn’t believe how amazingly attractive I thought this guy was, I was practically drooling! Normally, if you ask me to tell you who I think is the hottest actor or celebrity I draw a blank. I think of Brad Pitt first because that's what everyone thinks, but I don’t really think he’s all that. But this Jesse Metcalf has my attention for sure!

Now comes the weird part…I realized that he looks identical to my ex-boyfriend. The one that I thought was “the one” before I started dating my now fiancé. Maybe it’s just this episode that brings out the similarities… the rugged look with black hat and long eyelashes. I know the other pictures I found of him don’t really look like my ex—they’re too clean cut. But ever since I saw the commercial for the Jesse episode of LA Ink I have been having dreams about my ex! No, they’re not dirty dreams!! But we are definitely “a couple” in them and there is the occasional “hook-up”. Anyways, it got me thinking. My ex was hot! It pisses me off that he messed up his life and ruined our relationship of 4 years. Then again he wasn’t that hot after our first year or 2 together because of all the drugs he did—-we won’t get into that. After we broke up (because I got smart and realized I didn’t want to be a part of that mess) our friends would always tell me, “so I saw him the other day… he still loves you. He’s always going to be in love with you.” That stuck with me forever!


Its awkward when I see him or hang out with him now. At first it wasn’t because we stayed friends for a while and it just felt like we were friends hanging out. But now things are so different. We both have totally different lives. He’s straightened himself out, as far as I know, and has a smokin hot girlfriend who I'm jealous of. But I still get those thoughts in my head every time I see him or think about him… does he still love me? Do I still love him? I know I’ll always hold a special place in my heart for him and the amazing relationship we had (as rocky as it was). For some reason I just want him to look into my eyes one more time and say he loves me. I don’t know what satisfaction I’d get out of it. But something inside me wants to have that moment… I guess I’ll have to put up with the dreams of him now because I’ll never get that moment. Wherever life takes us, I guess there’s always that bit of memory we’ll always hold onto from our past. It's creepy and annoying, yet comforting too.

Workplace Crossroads

I'm in a really tough spot right now. I can't stand working in an office anymore. Its not the fact that I'm cooped up in a building all day. I can handle that, although I'd like to be out in the fresh air more often, running errands and such. Its the administrative work that bugs me. I hate being the bottom of the totem pole and having everyone yell out my name whenever they need something. I feel like my job has no purpose other than to do everyone else's busy work for them. I've started looking for a new job, but what else can I do except administrative work? Its a total catch 22! I want to change careers but I don't have experience in anything else, and I can't get a job in something else until I get experience in that field!

So, as I'm looking through the listings, I see a few that I might be qualified for. But when I read through the descriptions I get overwhelmed and feel like "yeah, I could do it. But I don't want that kind of pressure." Its the same kind of pressure I deal with here and I have to get away from it. I don't understand where my enthusiasm went. I used to be young and ambitious and ready to take on the professional world! Now I'm (still young) tired, frustrated, overworked, and pissed off at the world. What happened? Its like the workforce just sucks the life out of you.

I want the world, I want the whole world!!

I'm no Veruca Salt, by any means. But is there something wrong with wanting things? So I want things...I want everything!! And the fact that I can't have those things sometimes makes me so frustrated. But does it say somewhere that if you can't afford something, then you should just forget about it and change your way of thinking? It seems like that's what my mother-in-law would have me do. She's always telling me things like, "don't compare yourself to others", "its not about the money", "you can have a nice wedding on three thousand dollars". Ok, sure...you can, but the average cost of wedding these days is $30,000! And I want a nice wedding in today's standards. Is that too much to ask? I understand that we don't have that much money and we can't expect people to pay for us to have a $30,000 wedding. But stop throwing all your "ideas" at me and giving me these cliched answers about money & life. Just because you and your family have simple tastes, doesn't mean I have to have them too. I know what I want and I know that I don't want what you're suggesting. So, either decide how much you're going to give us toward the wedding or just step out of it and let me plan what I want!

Woah....maybe I am Veruca Salt after all.

An Evening in the Graveyard

Last night my old friend from High school happened to come to town. He purposely got a layover here on his flight to somewhere else. It was so nice to see him. He and I and a couple guys we used to be good friends with right after he & I had graduated all met up for dinner. My old friend gave a cute little speech about us all being at different stages of our lives. Then afterwards he said we had to come with him for 20 minutes to do something important, but didn’t tell us what. So, we start driving and we pull up next to a cemetery. It was the one I used to go past every day on my way to and from school. My girlfriends and I used to walk through it if we were going to our one friend's house after school. We had a friend who died in a car accident when he was about 21 or so who was buried there. So, about 11:00pm, we stopped the car and parked outside the gates. We all walked in and then congregated around our dead friend’s grave. We talked about him and looked at all the stuff people had put there for him. It was weird, but at the same time… I had this little crooked smile on my face the whole time b/c it felt good to be there. It was like we were visiting him and hanging out with him again. There was a picture of him on the headstone and he looked so happy. I think my old friend had taken us there because he knew I am mourning my grandma this week and I needed this to help me understand what the grieving process is all about. I don't usually cry or show much emotion because I never understood what happens when someone dies...Why people go look at the dead body and why they put you in the ground and all that. But now, it kinda makes a little more sense.

We All Have Them

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The Queens and I

Last night my Grandma passed away. As my mom describes it, she sat beside Grandma holding her arm as "she gave a few last gasps for air. Her pulse slowed to a stop and her skin went cold." It meant so much to me that she called me her "special girl". Out of the first 4 grandchildren born into our family, I was the 4th and the very first girl. Both my grandparents held me in the hospital and were so proud, as it was the first time they had ever been able to hold a newborn. Back in the days when they had their children you weren't allowed to do that... I should have been close to her. I should have taken the time to get to know her more, but I didn't and I feel bad for that.

I'm saddened about her death but my general demeanor is unchanged as is the usual when we have a death in the family. I no longer question that. Its just the way I am and how my brain reacts to it initally. It made me think about my mom though. She said the experience of sitting with Grandma as she died was surreal and that it was messing with her head a little bit. I worry about my mom so much. Sometimes she seems so unstable from my perspective. I worry that she'll lose her job again due to her mental instability, as has happened in the past. If anything happens to her I am not even close to being financially stable enough to support her, and her husband never has been. Thank god they had her pension and 401k to draw from when she was unemployed before. ...All I want is for her to be happy and not have to struggle through life. I wish I could provide that for her.

Naturally Spun

Ok, so there definitely might be something unbalanced about me this week, or even this whole month. When I went to my psychiatrist last Monday I surprised myself by telling her that I was doing very well and life was going great. When I thought about it I was like, "wow, life is great? That's awesome!" Then this week I was totally lethargic all week until today, when I made a point to get a triple shot of espresso in my coffee in hopes of being more productive (only 1 shot more than usual). So, not only am I feeling more productive today, but I'm also feeling pretty damn good physically after that morning buzz. And I mean buzz literally. My body is buzzing, my foot is tapping, and I'm generally feeling really good inside. You know that feeling when you wake up in the morning after a good nights sleep and you give yourself a nice big morning stretch and wake up with a smile. That's how I feel. Its as if I just sniffed a fat line of...like Elvira Hancock in Scarface, which makes me think, why don't I just do that stuff every day? Screw the coffee! If I can be this productive and feel this good, why did I ever stop messing with that stuff? Alright, lets not get into that. I know the answer to that question. Its because I started waking up in the morning feeling like I'd lost 1000 brain cells the night before and I couldn't even formulate a sentence without pausing for 2 minutes. That's a damn good reason to stop. But it sure does have its temporary perks. I guess I'll just have to stick to my caffiene addiction and up my intake of espresso every morning. Thank you, Starbucks!!!!

Focus Shmokus

I am at work, where I usually do most of my blogging and I'm having the hardest time focusing. I haven't been able to get anything done all week. All I've done is surf the net, chatting on wedding boards and--my new obsession--building my family tree on Ancestry. I have stacks of papers that should've been mailed out Monday, a delivery in the back that should've been unloaded and put away on Monday, and...well pretty much everything should've been done by Monday. But now it's Wednesday and I'm still slackin'. Of course, it doesn't help that the tornado sirens keep going off, we're supposed to take cover, and I'm sitting here at my desk which faces 2 windows. Am I scared? No, not really. We go through this a couple times a year. But I am a little freaked out by the fact that I'm facing 2 huge planes of glass which would shatter and fly at me if a tornado did hit our location. So, that's just another thing to distract me from getting anything done. I don't know what my problem is this week. I feel lazy beyond my own control. Its weird. Not to mention, I'm completely fed up with answering the phones here. Its my job; I'm a receptionist. But I want to reach my hand through the phone and slap every person that calls. I have no patience for this job anymore. Everyone needs to talk to their rep immediately. They have no regard for if they're at lunch, or on another line. The callers consider everything a fricken emergency! Its ridiculous. I want to yell at them, "she's at lunch! Figure it out on your own dumbass!" But of course I can't because I need to keep my job for now. I hope no one has noticed that I'm not getting anything done. Maybe tomorrow I'll double up on my morning Starbucks and hope that will help give me the extra motivation I need. ...I better start looking for a new job.

Its not that bad... is it?

I wish my mother and I weren't so close at times. Then she wouldn't feel comfortable enough with me to wake me up after our engagement party and say, "I think your husband might be an alcoholic." It's those words and the little "talk" she gave me that have been welling up inside me and making me analyze everything my fiance does. So what that he woke up the morning after the party, popped open a beer, then later opened the champagne and drank it out of the bottle. So what if he buys a 6 pk of beer every couple days and ends up drinking 5 out of the 6 that same night. My mother claims he is in denial--a truth I found to be rather evident when I was observing and analyzing him.

I went ahead and brought it up and he got mad at me. He told me something about how alcoholics polish off a fifth of vodka every night and fall asleep with their kids under one arm and a bottle under the other. Since he's not doing that, I guess he thinks he's not an alcoholic. I don't really know the answer. All I know is that I never considered him an alcoholic before and I was perfectly happy. Then my mom had to go and mess it all up by bringin her goody-2 -shoes morals into it. Now I'm all confused. We are at the age to drink by the way. Early, mid-twenties... that's when people drink and have fun and party. Most of the time its a phase anyway. Hell, she thought I was an alcoholic for a while because I was going out to bars so much. So, yeah! What does she know anyway? Sometimes I just think she needs to get out more. She's so anal about these kind of things. It drives me crazy sometimes. Oh well... what can you do, right?

I guess I'll just raise up my glass and toast to the few years I have left to take advantage of that good old elixer we call.... a-l-c-o-h-o-l.

My Skin is Peeling!

Ever since I was little I had this weird fascination with peeling skin. When I'd get sunburn I couldn't wait to peel the skin off bit by bit. My cousin and I used to sit on the edge of our beds in our Summer cabin and peel it off in big sheets. Then we'd lay them out on the nightstand to compare who was able to tear off the biggest sheet of skin. It's very weird and a little gross, I know. But it just looks so cool when you do it, and I get a weird sensation--obsession maybe--with the process of peeling back a layer of your own skin. Now that I'm older and I was blissfully ignorant about putting sunscreen on this past vacation, I still get the same thrill from it. I think this is the worst sunburn I've ever had. It didn't even look like sunburn at first. It looked like I had rope burns across my chest! A couple weeks have passed and its starting to break down, the skin is flaking and peeling.... and the personal contest begins. How large of a sheet of skin can I peel off at one time? I am so weird.

Hitting Rock Bottom, with a side of fries.

I'm so disgusted with myself today. I just finished 2 double cheeseburgers with Big Mac sauce on them, only an hour earlier I had some sort of mango specialty bagel with Maple Walnut cream cheese. I've eaten leftover nacho dip and green bean casserole for lunch every day this week and sweets for breakfast. I don't even know what I've been eating for dinner. I am officially addicted to food. Is there such a thing as food addiction? Well, that's what it seems like. Its as if every time I try to begin a healthy way of eating, I "relapse" and then its all over. I just get out of control and start eating anything I feel like eating. I'm never going to be able to lose any weight at this rate, not to mention the fact that heart disease and diabetes run in my family and my mom is now very close to aquiring both which means I'm a shoe-in. Its sickening. I've got to stop myself before I keel over by the time I hit 30! My goal this weekend is to start (REstart) a healthy eating and walking regimen. Hopefully, I can get myself hooked on it and out of this junk food trap.

I Need a Sponsor

Seriously, I need someone who sees my talent and potential and is willing to donate money to help me succeed. There are so many projects I could be working on in an effort to build a career. But I constantly run into obstacles. If only I wasn't deeply in debt from my first venture into Fashion Design school, I could get a new loan and finish my schooling to get a degree. The funny thing is though, they never teach you exactly what you need to know in college. I almost wish I could design a program myself that would teach me the skills needed to succeed in a computer based fashion world. So, I would need graphic design, fashion design, illustration, marketing and advertising just to start. I'd probably have to go back to school full time! Who has the money to do that? That's part of the reason I quit the first time.

Aside from my incomplete education, I have this old school PC that I've packed to the brim with information. I can't even hook up a printer or scanner to it because I am out of disk space! I dream of the day--Ha! when am I not day-dreaming of something?--when I can buy a loaded 17" MAC Powerbook with all the design programs I could need and even some graphic tools like a digital tablet. I feel so handicapped by my current situation. I just want to jump into doing what I love!

Artsy Kids With Trust Funds

I am laughing on the inside. Why? Because its all beginning to make sense now. Over the past year or so (I'm guessing) I've been discovering what some would call "hipsters". I am largely entertained by this concept--someone who has loads of money but feels the need to make themselves look like they're poor. How is this considered "artsy"? Its just plain stupid to me. Oh hipsters, you get on with your cleverly bad selves. Bwahahahaha!

Since I don't have time to devote right now to developing my theories on this topic, here are a couple (not necessarily related) links which I haven't read all the way through, but might be worthy of a chuckle:
Ding Dong Wedding Cake
Trust Fund DJs
Hipster Handbook
Moxie

Have fun.

An Ode to My American Eating Habits

If it wasn't enough for my weight loss plan to be failing miserably by my own doing, this morning I chose to forgo my routine Starbucks stop in an effort to save money... only to stop later in the drive to work at the doubly fattening Krispy Kreme Donuts. (So much for the money saved.) I guess my sweet tooth got the best of me. As I walked into the franchise, the sugary smell of dough wafted into my nostrils. Ever so nonechalant, I drifted like a kid in a candy store, stopping to take a peek through the large window at the

freshly baked production line. I smiled at the size of this particular location and thought to myself, "You could have a party in here!" Of course, I'm always ready to throw a party at the drop of a hat--why not in a Krispy Kreme Store? As I neared the counter and prepared to choose my poison a very friendly manager approached, with a hot doughnut fresh off the line. "Free Sample?" he offered.

Ahh.. if only all of life was this sweet.

The Politics of Working

I'm starting to wonder if it's this particular job I hate or just work in general. I've known I didn't like this job since the first month I worked here. But now the thought of working in any place just gets me down. Office politics are the most ridiculous thing I've ever encountered. The fact that some people just get to say "that's not my job" or "I'm not doing that" when others have to be at the beck-and-call of everyone else just disgusts me. The other thing I can't understand is the lack of available training in many companies. Sure, you interview someone and they seem to have the skills needed to do the job. But you still have to take them through the ins-and-outs of the company. There's still quirks to the system that they wouldn't know right off the bat. But the company just hangs the new employee out to dry.

I recently updated my resume in preparation for the job market. Not only did I update it to include my current job information, but I competely redesigned it to appeal to event companies. I'm hoping it will land me a job related to wedding planning or event planning. I figure there would be so much variety in that type of position that I finally might find my niche. If not, then I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. Maybe some stranger will leave me an inheritance. (hint hint...donations welcome ::wink::) There's no one in my own famlily with money to leave, that's for sure!

Sunshine Spending

It is a gorgeous day outside! Perfect day to be out enjoying the sun and spending money. What? Spending money? Yes... for some reason I associate happiness with spending money. For instance, I must have a “coffee cocktail” from Starbucks every morning to start my day off right. It wakes me up and gives me that happy feeling even though I know I shouldn’t be spending $5 a day when I can barely afford my bills. Anyway, I’ve also been spending way too much time online at work with all of my blogs and such. So, I am going to try to keep this short & sweet… oh.. mission accomplished since I just lost my train of thought and have no idea what else I wanted to address. Maybe it’ll come to me later.

California.... here I cooome!

For some reason I am completely enthralled by California. I’m not sure exactly when this love affair began. But my wedding research has definitely added to the obsession. It’s like a dreamland to me. I want to go there, wed there, live there! No doubt the enchantment stems from my fixation with the Upper Class and the luxuries that accompany them. Of course! Where else can you find America's Celebrities Residing smack dab in the center of the public eye, but near the beaches of the Atlantic Coast?

The beautiful landscapes, luxurious real estate, old-world Spanish architecture and Latin infused culture fascinate me. Which brings up another good question…why am I infatuated with Latin Cultures? I looked into honeymooning in Spain--Madrid & Barcelona. The architecture is absolutely gorgeous! The mosaics and artwork are so unique compared to what I've seen.

But I digress, California's old-world Spanish flavor is what really catches my eye when it comes to wedding venues in that state. You cannot find one home or hotel that doesn't have a tiered fountain in the center of a tiled courtyard. Its just beautiful. Its like a scene out of a movie. But then again, that'd be appropriate; I think my life is a Hollywood Screenplay.

Notable Mentions:
Rancho Las Lomas ; Adamson House ; La Venta Inn ; Bacara Resort ; California Wedding Guide

To Create the life I love

I want to do more creating. As of now, a lot of photos and images I use are not my own. I would never claim them as my own either. But if I am going to venture into this world wide web I should probably be doing my own artwork & designs. This is good because its what I LOVE to do. In fact, just last night my boo said to me, "I am going to get a second job. I need to step up and be the man. I want you to find what it is that motivates you. If you have to quit your job to figure out what that is, then I'll work two jobs or even three to take care of the bills so you can do what you love." Unfortunately, I'm in so much debt there's no way I could take him up on that offer. But I would be the happiest girl ever if I could!

I think I would like to start by spending more time documenting my ideas in a sketchbook or on the computer, and by becoming a better photographer. I never really was a photographer to begin with, so I guess any improvement would be good. Then I'll have my own images to use in my work and not have to borrow everyone elses. There are so many designs I admire. I wish I had come up with them on my own.

Thanks to anyone whose images I am proudly displaying! You are my inpiration.

The first random thought

The other day while chaperoning a college visit with 50 teenagers, I came to a realization. I thought about my unending indecision when it comes to choosing a career path. It dawned on me that I don't care what job I'm doing, as long as it has purpose. I want to be a leader, organizer, teacher, mentor. I want to help and guide people; and I want to be responsible for them. I don't necessarily want to "teach" or become a school teacher. But I discovered that I like leading a group and being responsible for decisions. I want to affect people.