Grandma's Hitting the Pipe

BF asked me to pick up lawn bags today so he and his mom could team up and cut the extra long grass we have outside due to the recent onslaught of rain. She would do half during the day and he will do the rest when he gets home from work.

I just got home from the grocery store. Baby's fussy and doesn't want to stay in car seat or be put down while I put the groceries away. So, I have her on one hip and groceries on the other as I walk upstairs to put the perishables in the fridge. It straight smells like reefer up here. Obviously "MIL" and her loser boyfriend are getting tons accomplished on the living room today. When I put the lawn bags down she says, "Oh shit I totally forgot about the lawn!" (Well, yeah I could've predicted that one yesterday when you said you'd add it to your schedule...not to mention the fact that you just got done smoking a bowl.)

So, part of me is pissed that Grandma is upstairs smoking pot because I just carried my baby through that air. But its kind of hypocritical to be mad because I let BF sneak off to take a hit here and there and he comes back in with a faint smell of pot on him. Besides, they probably smoked while we were still at the grocery store and it's just a lingering smell that I noticed once I got home. I'm sure I wasn't actually walking through a cloud of THC when I went up there. Its just one more of those things to add fuel to the fire I guess. At least this time I can keep my cool about it.

Its the Principle

Most of the time I try to be cool about my living situation. Fact is, most things that bother me really aren't a big deal so I try not to make them into one. But everything just adds up and gets under my skin. Well this week just happened to be one of those weeks. The house has been a construction zone for weeks because they're painting the walls and putting in new carpet upstairs. So, we've managed to work around that most of the time with making pretty easy dinners, but we can't even eat at the dinner table. We have to eat downstairs in our bedroom which I hate because it means I'm eating while sitting on the super low couch, hunched over the coffee table. Then we have BF's mom and her loser boyfriend coming and going all the time trying to get work done in between running errands and going out partying at night. Its taken her 3 days to finish the dishes that they made the other night and they are still sitting in the sink. How long does it take to do one dinner's worth of dishes? The other night I heard them come home at 12:30 and I couldn't get back to sleep until they'd quieted down. It sounded like they'd finally stopped messing around in the kitchen and gone to bed around 3:30a.m. Then her boyfriend was up at 9:30am hanging out in the living room and making coffee for hours before she even woke up.... Then, this morning I woke and the bitch drank my Bacardi. She had a full case of beer in the fridge, why did she have to drink the rest of my Bacardi? Then when she finally wakes up today at 2:00pm she comes into the kitchen with that alcoholic hangover voice that people get, picks up the bottle and says, "I don't know whose this was but I drank it. I'll buy more." So I said, "Yeah, it was mine and it was a mix of 3 different flavors that someone gave me. I don't even know which ones they were." and I walked downstairs. So, she goes and calls BF and says she doesn't appreciate the snippiness from me, and then I have to talk to him about it too! WTF. I'm sick of talking about it or thinking about it, but basically its just the principle of it....and the fact that all my other annoyances have been adding up. That's all. I don't know what else to say about it.

Re-Entering the Real World

I did it! I made it through my first post-pregnancy social event. I had a bridal shower to go to and it was the first time I've left Baby alone with anyone for more than an hour. I started having anxiety last night while thinking about the things I had to do to get ready and leave the house for the shower. And after freaking out the last time I was supposed to have plans to go somewhere, I thought for sure I was going to back out at the last minute. This morning when I woke up I started doing what I had to do, I ran into a poop detour, but once I set my mind to get in the shower and get ready I was ok. I'm so happy that I did it. It sounds so dumb, but it was an obstacle. I was really starting to think that I'd become institutionalized by being at home with Baby all the time...like I couldn't function in the real world, having to be in a certain place at a certain time. Now I feel much better about it though.

Another thing is that its hard to leave your baby for the first time, especially after you've been with her 24-7 for the past 7 weeks. I'm sure any mother would agree with that. I wasn't even leaving her with a baby sitter. It was with her own Dad! But even that was hard. He's never been alone with her for more than 45 minutes. I was afraid she'd cry and he wouldn't know what to do and that can be so frustrating and tiring. Not only that but it was also her first time drinking from a bottle. I've been breastfeeding exclusively this whole time. Its important to me that she only drinks breastmilk so I had to pump, and that was a first as well. (And an experience I am not fond of at all!) Yesterday was the only chance I had to try pumping and I didn't even have a chance to try feeding her the bottle. We were just hoping she would take it today. Luckily she had no problem with it. We were pretty confident about that one though. We figured once she started sucking and realized there was milk coming out, she wouldn't refuse. She's such a good baby. We're really lucky.

Baby Hogging

I feel like I'm being burdened by both sides of this situation. On the one hand, I'm frustrated that I have no freedom anymore. Everything I do is such a drawn out process and has to be planned well in advance and around baby's eating schedules. I can't just run out to the store. I have to make sure its after she's fed but not too close to when she'll eat again so that she doesn't get upset while I'm out with her. Or I have to make sure I let Daddy know that I need to go out so he can take her right after I feed her and I can leave right away. And if I say I want to go to the store he has to ask me where and why. I can't just go to the store because I want to buy something? You have to decide if its something I need to get right now first? Maybe I just want a break or an escape.

Then on the other hand, it's nice that everyone wants to be part of the baby's life. But now that she's here we get so many visitors that we can't have a single weekend to ourselves. You would think that being with her 24-7 during the week would make me want people to come over and take her for a while so I could just be here with Daddy and not have to worry about her because I know she's just in the other room in good hands. But it doesn't. It just makes me tired and frustrated because nobody knows her cues like I do, so she cries so much more when other people are around. Nobody bothers to check her diaper, they think she just has gas or wants to be rocked. NO, what she wants is a clean diaper and to be put down for a while so she can have some time to herself to chill. Yes, I hold her all the time but she doesn't want to be held every second. From my point of view, it seems like she gets sick of other people and just wants to get back to her time with Mommy. My family seems to think that they are all going to have some huge part in raising her. They're always saying stuff about how they plan to influence her and it just makes me so mad. They can raise their own kids when they have them. I just want to be like, "Everyone leave us the hell alone! She's my baby and I don't want to share her!!"

That's a Punctual Baby!

So, it turns out that I went into labor the morning of my due date. Can you believe that? Cleaning and nesting for a few days, then an emotional breakdown because the father of my baby was drunk the night before the due date, then lo and behold it actually happens on time! Well, sort of....

I woke up in the morning with signs of labor, went to the Dr and was told it would happen "tonight", ate a light lunch and walked for an hour, then checked into the hospital around noon Saturday. Labor progressed slowly for the first 12 hours. Then around 1:00am the contractions got worse and I started dilating about a centimeter an hour until I got stuck at 6-7cm for a long time. As time passed, I was exhausted and hungry because they wouldn't let me eat the whole time I was there. My exhaustion didn't help me deal with the pain. The Dr wanted to speed things up since I'd been there at least 24 hours already, so she suggested breaking my water bag. I got more and more scared about what was yet to come. I started crying more frequently and thinking about getting the epidural even though I'd planned to go as natural as possible. I was upset that I was even considering the epidural even though I knew in my heart that it was ok for me to get it. Finally I decided to let them break the water and see how it went. After my water was broken the contractions got much more intense and after 30 hours of labor I decided to get the epidural. At hour 32 the anesthesiologist came in and numbed me up....an hour later my baby girl was born!

Dude... I'm a mom. Crazy!

And by the way, BF was amazing during the whole thing. He's the best Dad ever!!

Countdown to Due Day

I've had so much going on in the past month or so and so many things to deal with I don't even know where to begin. I should've been blogging every time I had something on my mind but I didn't take the chance to do it. So now its the night before my due date and I have a new frustration. BF has been working very hard at his job and constantly having to deal with bullshit and so today he ended up staying after work to have a beer and vent with his buddy that also works there...all the while I've been working so hard here at home to get our living arrangements ready for baby. I've been cleaning and decluttering all day and I just wanted him to come home and be happy to have a nice clean space to relax in and spend some time with me. I keep feeling like these are our last few days to be alone together because pretty soon its going to always be us and a baby...not to mention the fact that we're living in his mom's basement. So, anyway, he didn't get home until 9:45pm and he brings his buddy with him so even though he's home I really don't get to spend any time with him until he finally crawls into bed with me. Who knows how many beers he's had already. I'm sure its just a few but after working all day and being tired he always gets bloodshot eyes really quickly even from just a few and it bothers me. So of course he comes home looking like that and tries to be all lovey dovey with me like I should be excited to see him. For some reason he didn't sense my tone of voice at all on the phone the last 2 times I spoke to him and didn't get the drift that I was upset about something. So, I get pissed off at him as soon as he walks in the door and then I start balling my eyes out and try to explain to him. The situation smoothed itself out but I didn't feel like we'd resolved anything. And now he's upstairs laughing it up and, probably drinking more beer and smoking, with his buddy, his mom, and her bar whore roomate. They sound like a bunch of drunken frat kids. Sometimes I feel so out of place. I barely have any of my own friends that I even talk to on the phone, and he's always hanging out with his friends or making plans for us to go over to someone's house to hang out. Yes, he's made a lot of changes since I got pregnant. But sometimes it just feels like he's trying to keep on living the same life he was when I've done such an overhaul into the role I'm in. I mean, come on! I could go into labor any minute! Is it too much to ask that I be the center of his attention for these next few days?

8 and 1/2 months already!

I can't believe I'm 8 and 1/2 months pregnant. Its crazy! I expected to be as big as a house by now. I'm pretty big but its all belly and I still feel cute. Of course these last 6 weeks or so could be icing on the cake since they say you gain the most weight at the end of your pregnancy. But so far I feel good and I'm excited to meet the baby. I am getting kind of nervous and anxious though. Its hard to keep my mind occupied now that I have so much free time...that's due to getting laid off a week and 1/2 ago. Yeah, I know... who lays off a pregnant lady when they're 8 months pregnant?! Everyone has the same reaction when I tell them, "Oh my God, that's terrible! What are you going to do?" But I'm actually relieved to be gone from there. I've been miserable at my job for quite some time and have wanted to find something new but just didn't have the time or confidence to do it. Then when I got pregnant I felt so stuck because I needed the steady income and the insurance and thought, "who's going to hire someone who can't function at their best because their pregnancy is interfering with their performance, and then has to take maternity leave shortly after being hired? It's just not going to happen." So, obviously I can't start looking for a new job right away because those same things apply...who's going to hire a girl who is about to have a baby? But since my lay off came with a pretty sweet going away package, I'm lucky enough to have these next couple months as a paid vacation so-to-speak. I get to relax at home for the rest of my 3rd trimester and then I have as long as I want to spend with the baby once she arrives (or at least a couple months before I need to be bringing in more income).

Now my only problem is trying to keep myself busy so I don't go crazy with anxiety or get depressed and sleep all the time. I spent my first week of not working by getting up early every day, getting dressed and actually wearing makeup for a change, and then going shopping. Its kind of funny... who gets laid off and goes shopping? I guess that's just all I could think of to keep me busy. Plus I really needed some new clothes and shoes since I've either worn out or grown out of most of mine, and the mall walking was good for me. ....but what am I going to do for the rest of my unemployment? Better find something more productive--and less costly--to do instead.

I Hate People!

WTF? Why do people always think they should give their 2 cents on everything? Its so annoying. As if I haven't had a hard enough time trying to decide what to do about our living situation. We finally decide that we're going to stay where BF lives, in his mom's house, until we're ready to move out on our own. I'm really nervous about the whole thing and about having to be there all day and night with his mom for 8 weeks during my maternity leave. I don't think I'm going to be comfortable at all. And now I've got people at work telling me I should stay with my mom for at least 2 weeks, giving me a guilt trip about "how's your mom going to feel? That's her first grandchild and she won't get to be with you during your recovery?" I feel like I'm going to cry. Seriously, I have so many things to think about and I get anxiety almost every day about something. Of course I want to be with my mom, but we're trying to get situated. I don't think moving into BFs house and then staying at my mom's house for 2 weeks will do me any good. Besides, what about BFs feelings? He wants to be with me every second of the day and I know damn well he won't want to stay at my mom's house with me for 2 weeks... so wtf?! Arggg... I hate people!!!

On A Valentine Cloud

I'm am on a cloud today! I have been so cheerful all day, even talkative here at work. I baked brownies for BF last night and decided while I'm at it I'll bake cupcakes for work, too. So, I had a couple of those today and I'm feeling quite adorable with my pregnant belly. Then just before lunch today I received a dozen and 1/2 roses delivered to my work with a card from BF that read,

"My Love, no flowers or words could express the feelings, passion, and impact you've made in my life. It may be lame, but your tryly my everything (remember, lame is what made me fall in love with you in the first place). Hope you have a lovely day."

Ahh... its good to be loved. And its great to be feeling this good while pregnant!

House Pest

I don't know if its the hormones or what but lately I am so annoyed by other people's habits. This is one of the main reasons I hate living at home. I can't stand walking around the house and noticing the way other people live. It just drives me crazy. My mom's husband in particular is the most annoying person to live with. He has to be around 60 years old and he sits there watching stupid TV shows or playing Play Station with the volume all the way up like you're in a damn movie theater, paying no mind to the fact that there are people in the kitchen that might be trying to have a conversation. Its a video game... do you really need to hear the gun shot sound effects at full volume?! And the other day he's watching TV which is obviously too loud because my mom and I are trying to talk and we both keep wincing toward the family room (which is connected to the kitchen with no wall in between). You would think that she would say something since she obviously thinks its too loud, too. But no, she just keeps talking and wincing. What the hell, woman? Check your man!! He is so fricken rude!

That's only the beginning of it. He sits in the family room watching TV every night after he gets home from work, waiting for my mom to make dinner and bring it to him in front of the TV. You can see the TV from the kitchen table, why doesn't she insist that he eat at the table with her? Arrrg! I could really go on and on about all the things I hate about him. But its just going to make me mad, so I'm stopping there.

Baby Brain

I think I'm getting that "baby brain" thing where the pregnancy affects your thought processes and memory. I know it was affecting me a lot during the first trimester but then I felt like it got better. Now I'm starting to feel it again. I remember at my last job, my friend was pregnant and she'd be super tired and unmotivated to work. Then another girl here at this job was pregnant at one point and she was making tons of mistakes. I've heard that the pregnancy can make you forgetful and make it hard to focus. What am I supposed to do about it though? I'm doing the best I can and then they call me out on mistakes and simple but important things that slip my mind. It's probably just another strike against me in the eyes of my employer. I can't wait to have this baby and find a new job.

Same Thing Different Pile

I am so bored at work that I'm trying to find anything to do to keep me busy. I've asked the other girls in the department if they have stuff for me to do and they have nothing. So, after being told in my review that I spend too much time on the internet, I end up back online to pass the time. Well, what else am I going to do, read a book?

I decided to update some of my other blogs and take a look at old posts. Well, that just led me back to my previous career interests in becoming a Wedding Planner, an Art Teacher, etc. I was so into those things at the time. I did the research, looked at schools, started planning... and then gave up. So, now I'm thinking that I'll never get anywhere because I always just come up with fantastic ideas that dead end shortly after. What's my problem? Why can't I just find my calling? There are so many things I could see myself doing, why can't I just pick one? Maybe I subconsiously sabottage myself. I can't get up enough confidence to actually take an idea and run with it. I've gotten partially there before. The wedding planning dream lasted a little while. I studied books on my own and everything. Then I go and call off my wedding and there goes all my dreams for making a career out of the thing that interests me most. I just feel like such a failure. I feel like the older I get, the less ambition I have and pretty soon I'm just going to end up giving up on everything and just working a stupid dead end job like the rest of these losers.

Sweet Brainstorming Again

So, the first of the year brings the desire to get things accomplished. I've been trying not to think too much about what I want to do with my life since I have so many other immediate things to worry about and when I do start to think about finding a career, it usually just upsets me. However, BF and I talked a little the other day and once again the idea came up of me owning my own bake shop. So, since our talk, that's all I can think about. Of all the things I've wanted to be this one hasn't been the most prominent but it still makes just as much sense as the others. I can see myself really getting into it. It combines my love of baking and art perfectly. I think I'm going to do a little research and see what I'd have to do to get into the business. I'm scared though...like I am with every career option I come up with. I have no experience, I'd probably have to go to school, I'd have to take a serious pay cut to get experience, what would people think of me randomly changing direction again? I guess its not like I'm really changing direction since all the other things were just ideas too.