2008 Recap

So, what happened this year? What was I focused on? Was I happy? Was it a good year?

Well, I thought I'd started off the year pretty focused on making myself happier. I broke off my engagement to FI and began a new romance with my Best Friend. I worked with my doctor to adjust my medication and wasn't feeling as depressed as I had been the year before. I was spending more time on hobbies that I enjoyed and trying to get some direction in life. I was extremely happy with BF and the way things were moving along sort of quickly but still in a somewhat smart and cautious way. Then the end of Summer comes and I get knocked up, sick, depressed, and pretty freaked out! Since then I've been doing pretty well. I have to admit, I think the pregnancy has really thrown a wrench in the works as far as the progress I felt I'd been making at the beginning of the year. I'm not who I want to be at all right now. But I just keep reminding myself that once I get through this and the baby comes, that will be my opportunity to get myself back on track. I definitely think I'm going to have to get back on my meds so I feel like myself again. Even with the meds I know I wouldn't feel completely normal again now because of all the physical changes I'm dealing with. So I'd like to try and do the whole pregnancy without them.

All in all... I think it was a pretty good year. I love BF and am looking forward to all the things we have yet to experience together. I'm excited to meet our baby girl!! I know everything is going to be a challenge but I am happy to be sharing it with him.

What do I want for next year?
A house of our own
A new and better job
Some sense of financial security
Time to dedicate to studying or practicing art/design
More Energy
More Happiness
Health for my loved ones

Miss You

I was starting to get a little sick of BF from all traveling to visit relatives and driving back and forth every week from my house to his. I was tired of being so busy all the time, so this week I decided to stay home instead of going to stay with him. He didn't like it at all. He wanted to see me and couldn't tell me enough that he missed me. Meanwhile, I was like..."eh, whatever. You'll see me again soon enough." But after having a weekend without him, I'm missing him again. It feels good. I can't wait to see him again and I hope we get to do some fun Christmasy things together.

Blogging Family Matters

Ok, so my uncle has been doing this microblog all year which he texts by phone to everyone each Friday. He lists family birthdays and events and current happenings. At first I was happy to get them because it helped me stay up to date with the family, until I realized the news was selective and didn't include everyone in the family. Apparently, nothing I do is ever worthy of making the blog. I've seen stupid details about everyone elses lives in there but never a mention of the life events I'm experiencing. When I moved back in with Mom he didn't put anything in there until I complained about not making the blog. But after that it was back to not mentioning me... or my mom for that matter who just started school again for her 4th degree. I think that's a blog worthy event. What's the deal? Are our lives not important? I announced my pregnancy 3 weeks ago and it still has not been mentioned in his blog. Yet this morning he made a special Monday blog announcing the engagement of a cousin's best friend...someone totally unrelated to us! What the hell? Is it because my pregnancy is out of wedlock? Is it because its with a boyfriend that nobody knows that well yet? Seriously, why can't we get any recognition?

Holiday Tears

I know I've written about all of this before, but just to review....After the whole wedding fiasco--breaking off the wedding and breaking up with my fiance for BF--I couldn't afford to live in my apartment alone anymore so I moved in with my mom. Living here has been really hard for me for a lot of reasons. But today I feel especially sad. I wanted to decorate the the house for Christmas, so I pulled out all the boxes and started going through them to see what of Mom's I could use and what of mine I could use. I had forgotten how special Christmas time had always been to FI and I. Up until last year the holidays had always been our favorite time of year to spend together. So, upon opening up those boxes I was finding all the ornaments I'd bought for us--a new one for each year we were together--a red leather picture frame and photo album with pictures of us having fun in the snow downtown, stockings with our names and little ones with our kitties names on them. It just made me think... we had so much fun together. What happened? What did I do? Did I mess that all up by getting involved with BF? I miss FI. I feel so bad for everything that happened and wish it didn't work out the way it did. But I also feel that no one I've ever been with has been as right for me as BF is now. I have to remember that. But its hard at times like this.

I think part of this sadness is the fact that I'm here at my mom's. Maybe if BF and I had our own place I'd feel a little better because we would be able to share in all the things I like to do with my loved one at the holidays. ...then again, I also feel weird about that because I basically just switched one guy out for another one. Its like all I have to do is switch the pictures and names on all my cute Christmas stuff and pretend everything is normal. Afterall, that's what I did right? I just replaced one with the other. It all just makes me feel emotional and confused. I think I'll go bake some cookies to try and take my mind off it.

Baby Updates - 2nd Trimester

I'm in a bit of a bloggers block lately. I don't really have the time to blog often and whenever I do find myself bored at work I end up browsing for Christmas presents. I guess I'm not really feeling the inspiration to blog like I used to. But it is time for an update...

I'm feeling so much better these days! My sickness has gone away for the most part, things are going better at work, and I'm starting to feel like a happy-go-lucky preggers girl. I'm still not really "showing" though. I'm eating so much more now that I feel better and I've kind of been hoping that would help the baby grow because I feel like I should be popping out by now. I don't think its working though. I have my 20 week ultrasound in 11 days. I can't wait to find out if its a boy or a girl! I had an unscheduled ultrasound a couple weeks ago because I got freaked out by spotting. Up until then I had felt like it was a boy. But the ultrasound tech said she thought she saw girl parts. So, I'm eager to find out for sure. BF isn't sure if he wants to know yet but that's only because he wants a boy and doesn't know how to react if its a girl. It kind of makes me sad like "you really can't grasp the concept of having a girl?" I know he's an amazing person and that he'll be a great father either way but right now he has these ideas in his head like, "I can't stand the color pink. I don't want to see Barbies all over the house. What am I going to do with a girl?" I just want him to get over himself and be excited about the possibility of a girl or a boy.

We made a big decision the other day. Up until now we hadn't really discussed our living situation too much. We knew we wanted to be together but that we didn't really have the money to do it on our own. So, BF was pretty convinced that we'd have to stay at his mom's house with the baby for a while, maybe a year, in order to get our finances in order and be ready to move out. Nobody liked this idea. His mom didn't want us there. I wouldn't be comfortable. There's not enough room there for my stuff, let alone both of us and a baby. It just wasn't a good idea at all. But he insisted that it was our only option since my mom lives so far away from both of our jobs so we couldn't stay with her. Then one Saturday morning his mom woke up while we were cooking breakfast and immediately got on his case about bills and money issues. It turned into a huge argument. He was really upset and while I was comforting him I couldn't help but tell him what had been on my mind all week even before any of that happened. "I need us to have our own place." I was surprised when he quickly answered back, "Yeah, I know baby. We'll get our own place. Staying here wouldn't be good for any of us. We'll talk about it and start looking after the holidays."

So, we talked about it a little more because I wanted him to really see where I was coming from and not think it was just because of the argument. I told him that its very important to me that I have my own space where I can feel at home because I've moved around so much over the last 10 years that I know what its like not to have that. Also, it wouldn't be fair to his mom to just tell her we're at since we pgoing to stay there when she specifically said, "You can't live here. I'm not raising a baby" and she has her own life to live without us getting in the way. Not to mention my mom's opinion on it being that it would be unfair to her because any time she wanted to visit us and see the baby she'd also be intruding on BF's mom. ...in the end BF made me very happy. He suggested throbably wouldn't be able to afford much more than a 2 bedroom apartment, we make the 2nd room an art studio/nursery so that I could be with the baby and do the things I love all in the same space. Knowing that I've been struggling with things lately--not having time for myself or energy to do the things I enjoy--it was the most thoughtful thing he could've said. So, until the baby is old enough to start getting into things I think that would be the perfect idea for a 2nd room. ...and I love BF for being so wonderful.