I don't know what's wrong with me today. It's really hard to describe. I'm tired, lethargic, anxious, and I feel really weird physically. Almost like I'm going to pass out at times. I've eaten breakfast and lunch so I don't think it's lack of food. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the emotions that have surfaced as we've been trying to declutter and organize the house this weekend, but I feel like I'm having some kind of inner battle about that. MIL is somewhat of a hoarder so in this 3 bedroom split level house, we (me, BF, and DD with our King size bed, crib, changing table, couch, coffee table, TV, mini fridge and boxes of clothes because we have no dresser) all live in the 1 room basement level, which was probably designed to be a family room, while MIL has her bedroom upstairs and the other 2 bedrooms up there are full of boxes of crap and clutter (much like the picture to the right from an episode of Hoarders). It has driven me insane to know that we have no where to store any of our things and no bedroom for our daughter because MIL can't find time to go through and part with all of her junk. So, as much as possible we've been trying to amend this situation. Last week we helped her clear out one of the rooms completely. We moved everything into the living room (which was quite a sight to see; I took pictures) and then she moved it all into the other bedroom with the stuff that was already in there. She actually did make some progress in getting rid of some stuff as she went through to put it all away and we were able to claim one of the bedrooms for ourselves so that we have somewhere to keep our stuff too. Then this weekend, we cleaned out the garage and made a huge pile of old board games, sports balls, etc. to donate. The garage looks great!

The problem is, as we go through all of this stuff part of me wants to say throw it all away! But none of it is mine, so I really have no say in that. Then there's a part of me that is starting to see the value in all of this saved stuff. We've found odds & ends that she's saved thinking they'd be a good craft project: calendar photos from years past to be turned into placemats, curio cabinets to hang and display souvenirs, garage sale finds to give as gifts for friends' birthdays. We've found toys and games from BF & MIL's childhoods which are not only sentimental but also considered vintage and possibly worth money. We found Barbie sets from the 50s which are so cool, but in terrible condition. Then there's stuff like the football shaped toy chest that was full of old basketballs in the garage. BF was willing to part with it if he had to, but MIL said what she always says, "Don't you have a friend who could use that? I'd hate to just get rid of it." For some reason she has a problem with donating things that she thinks are worth money. As if people who get these things from Goodwill or whatever other charity that collects donations aren't worthy of something that's in good condition or has any value to it. So, MIL looked up the football online and found out it's going for $75 on Ebay. Well, that made me think it's something we should save whether we end up using it ourselves one day or selling it on Ebay. But then I want to kick myself because selling things on Ebay is not easy, so there's little chance we'll do that and when are we ever really going to use it ourselves? It would be cool as a beer cooler for game day, but we have a crappy TV in our living room. There's no chance we're having football parties here, so really when are we going to use it?

See...there's that internal struggle I'm having. Back and forth about wanting to declutter my life, but then at the same time starting to collect stuff for our future together. My tastes seem to be changing too. Before, I always liked more modern contemporary furniture and interior design, or at least the typical suburban house look with everything new. But now all of a sudden I'm liking a more vintage look. I find myself drawn to things that are old and have character or could be used to make something else. Maybe it's the whole "Reuse, Recycle, Refurbish" craze that's going around with shows like American Pickers digging up antiques and design shows always coming up with a new way to use old things, making it look so appealing. What freaks me out the most is that all of this makes me feel like I'm turning into my MIL. I keep finding more and more things that we have in common, despite the fact that we are so different, and it scares the shit out of me.

On the Up?

So for the last week or so--I think it was since the Saturday after Thanksgiving--I seem to be feeling surprisingly normal. I haven't felt overly depressed or anxious. I haven't been freaking out about anything. I've been getting things done when I want to, I've been fairly patient and even nice to MIL. It almost feels weird. But it's one of those things that makes me question if I really need to go back on meds or if I was just dealing with some hormonal changes as I wean DD. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week and I think I will still get the prescription because I've been struggling so much over the last couple months and one week of normalcy isn't really going to make that big of a difference. Even weirder, I got my period today which would usually mean that this last week would've been all about PMS, but it was in fact the opposite. Strange. I guess just another thing to point out to my doctor. Right now I am really tired. I think I'll lie down.

Thanksgiving Recap

Earlier today I was questioning myself, "What's going on here? Am I manic today?" I woke up at 8:30am, when I usually can't get up before 10am lately, started my day by doing dishes, washing MIL's new set of cookware for her so she could use it to cook Thanksgiving dinner tonight, and then straightening up the living room and dusting. I woke up feeling like I had to do something productive today or I'd go crazy. I wasn't going anywhere for the holiday, like I usually do, but I wasn't hosting either. I was just at home with no sense of responsibility. To most people this might be a great thing. To me it was not. Once we brought in the bigger dinner table and started arranging things the way they needed to be for dinner, I started to get crazy anxiety. I was freaking out in my head about how MIL has no clue what she's doing and takes way too long to make a decision about things. I just wanted to be like "The table seats 8, we're having 6. Put it this way and it will work fine!" Then she didn't have a table cloth and didn't want to buy one because they're too expensive. Um, hello? You don't need a cloth one. Just get a disposable from the grocery store. It beats eating on a plain (dirty) fold out table. She just didn't seem to get the idea of how to host a holiday. I'll admit, I've never done it myself. But I was raised by the Hostess With the Mostess and I pride myself on being the same. So, it just drove me nuts to see how MIL works. I explained to to BF this way, "You know when you see a picture hanging just a little bit crooked, and you can't think straight until you straighten it? Well, that's how this is for me. She's the crooked picture."

So, I went to the store and got a tablecloth. Then after a buildup of anxiety while showering and getting ready, I realized I was starving. 2:30 is really the stupidest time to have Thanksgiving dinner. You end up skipping lunch and then being hungry way before anything is ready, especially with MIL who is always late at everything. Of course, this is even worse for me because when I get hungry I start to lose it. Maybe it's a low blood sugar thing. I don't know, but it is just not good. So, as our 1 guest arrived, I made some cheese and crackers and sat down to socialize. It was like I put on a mask. Cheese & crackers out, hostess hat on, ready to go. I had a smile on my face and you never would've guessed I was about to lose it any second.

Not long after that we opened the wine and the rest of the day was great. Yes, I realize I'm self medicating. But honestly, it is the only thing I have for my anxiety these days. Anyway, we had a wonderful dinner. Everything tasted great, we had a nice time, played some games after dinner and laughed a lot. And that is what I'm thankful for this year, that I got through thanksgiving and was able to enjoy it.

When it hurts so bad

I'm so lost right now. I've run through so many emotions in the past few hours that I am just exhausted. I was depressed all day and then finally decided to get out of the house to go get a Big Mac and Oberweis. It seems all I can do to fight my anxiety and depression this week is eat those 2 things. I had them 3 times this week! It's ridiculous. And now they have large size shakes at Oberweiss so that makes it even worse. I'm going to be 200 lbs before I'm able to get out of this slump. I'm alone all day long with no one to interact with except a MIL who makes me completely insane. All day I'm trying to conjure up the energy and patience to deal with my 18 month old and try to somehow wean her off of nursing because it is killing me. Then BF works late and comes home for 5 minutes only to leave to go hang out with the neighbors. I mean, I can't completely blame him for that because we had sort of planned to go there together tonight and bring DD with us. But when I told him I was having such a bad day I kind of hoped he'd stay home with me. Especially after I said I didn't want to go, then I said I would, then got anxiety so bad that I started crying. He said he felt guilty and asked me if he should stay home but really, what's the point? Nothing he says makes me feel better. It just makes me feel more alone. He told me once when we first started dating, while I was feeling really depressed from my engagement, "you'll never have to feel alone again when you're with me". Well, he was more wrong than ever. At least back then I had him as my best friend to comfort me. Now I can't talk to him at all and I don't want him near me because I'm so touched out from nursing that I can't stand to have anyone touch me at all. I feel like everything is just driving me deeper and deeper into a downward spiral. It hurts so bad.

Realizations/Confessions

• I've made so many bad life choices.
• I should have tried to fix myself and my own financial problems before getting involved in someone else's.
• I'm sick of paying both AT&T bills, bailing BF out on his car payments, and having to pay for airplane tickets to his family reunion after we agreed he would pay for it.
  
• I'm 30 years old. I should not be living in my own mother's house, much less anyone else's mother's house.
• I subconsciously would rather complain about not having any room for any of my belongings here instead of making room and moving my stuff in, because I'm in denial about the fact that I live here. I don't want to make any moves that would establish this as a permanent or even semi-permanent residence.
• I should have so much accomplished by now and I have nothing. Not even the ambition to find my dreams or get a simple job anymore.
  
• I miss my apartment SO much. I miss my freedom.
• I don't know who I am.
  

Snuggle Therapy

Took DD to the Dr. yesterday for her 18 month checkup. They loaded her up with vaccines because I always seem to miss an appointment here and there so she needed to catch up. They also informed me that her right ear looks infected. I had no clue anything was wrong with her, but once they mentioned it I did recall her rubbing her finger in her ear a few times. I had thought it was just because she was tired. Something inside me questioned whether this downward spiral I've been in has got me so distracted that I wasn't able to notice her cues. Maybe all the whining she's done lately that I hear as a nagging, annoying noise she won't stop doing was really a cry of discomfort. It's these questions that leave me doubting the job I do as a mother. Today I spent all day snuggling, cuddling, and paying as much attention as I could to her, trying to ease her discomfort from the ear ache and very sore, stiff legs after getting the shots. Maybe it was the fact that I didn't have any other worries than loving my babygirl today that made me feel a little better. I seem to be much less anxious. Just calm, easy going, and not dwelling on being depressed.

Perhaps it was the visit with my Mom last night. After the Dr. we made the long drive to Grandma's house to escape having dinner with BF's mom at home while he was working late. I had a lot to get off my chest and it was good to cry and talk with my Mom. She also worked on my back--it's been really tight and sore lately--which may have had a therapeutic effect on me.

Darkness

Yesterday was bad. It's been gloomy outside lately and it feels gloomy in my head, too. I slept till 10am and then took a 2 hour nap later in the day when DD napped.

Belated Postpartum Depression

18 months after my daughter's birth, I've finally broke down and decided to get some help. I kept thinking I was ok, that I could handle this on my own, that my mood swings were just normal female behavior that I needed to learn to cope better with. But that's not entirely true.

I'm depressed, tired, full of anxiety, bored, and just plain sick of it all. I have no patience for anything. When BF calls me from work I'm annoyed and short with him. We have no sex life whatsoever and I can't stand to hear him joke about it anymore. The whining sounds DD makes grind at me right away. It's all piling up and I can do nothing but stare off into space with my mind racing. I often have trouble sleeping, lying awake until 2 or 3 in the morning.

So, I spoke with a postpartum counselor yesterday. She stopped into my room in L&D right after I had the baby to talk to me about my high risk and give me her card. I'm glad I kept it. We met for an hour and she gave me some insight on what might help me as well as some referrals to a therapist and a psychiatrist who take my insurance, since we're now on Public Aid. I'm hoping to get back on Wellbutrin as it seemed to be the miracle worker for me before I got pregnant. I know this won't be an instant transformation, but taking these first steps makes me feel a little better for the moment. At least I can believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm Going Crazy Because...

I feel like I can't sit still without getting depressed or anxious...sometimes to the point where my body aches. I've been trying to cope by writing out nightly schedules for the next day and weekly menus for dinner. It helps me to stay focused and keep busy so that I don't have a lot of downtime. It can be hard when I have no idea what to do next and my mind just floods with thoughts of all the things that are bothering me. I can't stand my roommate (a.k.a "Mother in Law"): the way she lives her life, the things she does, the sound of her voice all get under my skin. I can't talk to any of the people I'd usually talk to because I have issues with all of them right now (all 3 that is). I can't talk to my BF because most of my problem is with his mom so he doesn't want to hear it. My SIL is going through a quarter life crisis, so I feel bad calling with my own issues and I want to help but I don't know what to say or do for her and my own anxiety is making her personality a little annoying right now. My mom is pissed at me because I said we were going on an outing near her house Sunday and invited her along but then we changed our minds and went somewhere else without telling her until the last minute, so now I'm afraid to talk to her. She's been FBing me and texting me with "I miss you", "I miss my girls", "I want to see my kids"....for weeks now and I haven't done anything about it. But she works and goes to school 6 days a week and lives 45 minutes away, so it's not like I can just pop on over for a short visit. I feel like it's not my fault that she fills her time up with work and school and lives so far, so she can't get mad at me for not seeing us. I'm just sick of everyone wanting me to bring the baby here or there to visit with them. Sometimes I just want to move away where no one can guilt trip me about not visiting. If they want to visit, they can come to us. Besides, I had mixed feelings about my last visit with my mom because she spent the whole time oggling the baby and I felt neglected because I could barely have a conversation the way I used to have with her. I feel like now that the baby's a little older I should just drop her off at people's houses and go do something else because no one wants to see me anymore anyway. They just want to spend time with her.

Now, as for the roommate/MIL issue. We're both home all day long because I don't work and she works evenings. I can't even be in the same room with her without wanting to punch something. I try to get up and out of the house for the day before she wakes up, so I don't have to see her because she just drives me insane. She's 47 years old, parties all night and sleeps till noon, then gets up all bitchy and wants to complain about the night she had or the customers not tipping, or her STUPID FUCKING VOLLEYBALL. The woman is obsessed...I mean OBSESSED with her volleyball league. She's not only a player, but she "runs" the season...you would think that this year when she found out the company had hired professionals to run it and that she wasn't getting paid, that she would've just dropped it. Oh no....she implanted herself so far into it that they ended up firing the professionals and agreeing to pay her and another team mate to coordinate the rest of the season. My guess is they probably just wanted to get her off their backs. She cannot speak without complaining about something, she spends most of her day doing volleyball bullshit while trying to accomplish other household tasks and running errands, but she is incapable of multi-tasking. Every single day she says she's going to pool and then she never gets there because her days go a little like this...She'll fill the sink with dishes, then go outside to water the garden, come back in and do half the dishes, then go back to making phone calls. She'll start making breakfast (at 2:00pm), remember she has to get to the bank before their deposit cutoff, leave the eggs half cooked on the stove and run out the door to get to the bank, get sidetracked going to Walgreens and get back just in time to finish breakfast (4:00pm), more volleyballs calls, take a shower and leave for work....dirty pans on the stove, milk left out, never finishing the dishes. When she does finish the dishes, half the time I have to rewash them because they're all covered in grease from being left soaking in cold water all day and then quickly rinsed to get it done before she has to go. Then today she says to me "tell me again why you wash dishes that can go in the dishwasher, because I've read it uses less water to run the dishwasher than to actually wash them." So, I said, "because I'm already washing dishes to begin with and the dishwasher was full." How the hell can she ask me why I wash dishes if she's the crazy person who insists that not everything can go in the dishwasher? There's a pots and pans button on the machine for a reason!! And you wonder why I throw a couple plates and glasses in the sink with my load of dishes that you say can't go in the dishwasher?? What fucking planet are you from?!!

Another thing is, she has apparently stopped buying groceries...at least groceries for the whole house. She'll go to the store and get her personal items and mention that she was craving fruit or a green vegetable, but did she remember to get a gallon of milk? No. She bought beer, English muffins, eggs, 1 orange, and ONE banana. ONE! The baby eats a banana almost every morning and BF takes one to work a lot, so when he called her out on it and said, "Who buys 1 banana?" She says, "well I didn't have any money and I needed some fruit." What about all the fruit I buy for the house that she is welcome to eat any time? What about the 2 gallons of milk I buy every week that we always seem to run out of? I understand you're a waitress and your income depends on how well business is going and business hasn't been good, so you're broke. But I'm unemployed and on food stamps, so who are you to bitch? I haven't even told her about the food stamps because I feel like she'll figure "well, you've got government money. You go ahead and buy ALL the groceries." Even though I feel like that's already what's happening. And what about the meals I make 4 times a week and the leftovers you hardly ever eat? Honestly, I'm a little insulted that she never eats what I cook. I'm not a bad cook. I'm actually getting pretty good with all this practice. Any time she's cooked in the past I always eat it, no matter if it's something I think I'll like or not. She actually turned me onto fish which I would never eat before. But when I made fish and offered her some she made a face and asked, "is it fishy?" and when BF cooks something he knows she likes and we offer to make enough for her to join us, she'll turn up her nose and ask, "What's the vegetable?" Then she'll run out and buy a fresh veggie, cook it, and eat it with the leftovers that night but not sit down and eat with us.

OH...and don't get me started on anything she does involving my daughter. Ok, so here goes... she knows we have no space in this house yet she randomly buys things from garage sales that we can't even use yet because their too old for the baby. She and I both buy books at garage sales and then she just decides about the ones I bought that "she's not ready for those yet. They're too wordy" and puts them away in another room without even telling me until I ask her what happened to them. She doesn't hold back in telling her "Grandma's hangin" when she's hungover from the night before, or "Grandma's buzzed" when her friends drop her off early from a night of drinking. Excuse me, but my 15 month old daughter does not need to hear that bullshit--EVER. She constantly asks the baby if she wants to go swimming or wants to do this or that, then says, "Grandma wants to take you" or "Grandma's going to take you" but then never delivers. She said to me the other day, "I promised myself I'd go to the pool for my birthday because it's my birthday and I need to do what I want. Volleyball can wait. So, I don't know what you guys are doing that day but maybe you'd like to go over to the pool for a little while. I'd love to see the baby swim." I've offered several times for her to take the baby swimming without me, but she's never asked me to do that. I guess she didn't want the responsibility of taking her swimming herself. So, I figured that it's her birthday so I should try to make it happen. I asked her ahead of time if she knew when she might want to go to the pool. She said, "well it won't be first thing in the morning because I plan to stay out for my birthday the night before." So, I sat around all day waiting for her to get her drunk ass out of bed and by the time she did and I came up with a plan to get my errands done while still fitting in her pool time, it was 3:30pm and she says to me, "Oh, I'm not going. There's no time, I gotta go to work."

Thanks, bitch. Thanks for making my life miserable.

Coupon Nazi

WTH? This woman--my not-quite-MIL--is insane. She absolutely cannot give us our mail without looking at the return address and either announcing who it's from, guessing what it is, or getting involved somehow--especially if it's a recurring bill. On the Sunday's when I bring the newspaper in, I clip the coupons I want and put it all back together to give to her because otherwise she piles them up for months until she finds time to go through them, and by then they're usually expired. I even asked once if she could pass them onto me when she was done and I never saw them again. One day when I was going to the store to get a few things she says, "I was just about to get you some coupons from the paper and look! (holds up coupon pages) They're gone!" I'm like, "Yeah, I already got them yesterday." She exclaims, "Oh!! I thought the mailman was stealing my coupons!!" .....really? You actually thought the mailman chose our house out of all the others, opens up the paper and cuts the coupons before delivering the paper? Yeah, sure.

Yesterday she was going through them again. She had 6 piles going on the table and then had to leave for work. So, as I'm clearing off the table for dinner I moved them all into one pile, staggering so she could separate them where she had them. Then today she gets this tone and says, "now...do you know which pile was where because I had them sorted by (blah blah blah)...and the ones I was done with I put in a trash pile." Yeah, obviously you had them sorted by something, but I didn't know that ahead of time so I couldn't do much with it other than what I did. She says, "well, I guess I'll just start over. I should be able to figure it out." Ok, so then I say to her a little later in the day, "I was thinking, when you're done, don't throw out your trash pile. I'll go through it and see if there's any more I could use in there." Now, instead of just saying "Ok." She says, "Well, see the trash pile is mostly expired and I've already taken out any of the ones I thought you guys would use...like I keep all the baby ones and I kept one for your sour cream..."

I don't even know what to say to that and I've never seen a single baby coupon from her, so where she puts these ones that she thinks I'll use, I don't know. But my real questions is... how hard is it to just let us decide for ourselves what we want to keep? A lot of times I don't buy stuff until I notice a coupon for it and that will make me think, "Oh I've been wanting to try that!" So, how would she know that I don't want a coupon for something just because she's never seen it in the house? She does the same thing with our mail! If she thinks its junk mail she'll throw it out before even giving it to us. How does she know what our junk mail looks like?

Ugghhhhh! She is making me crazy! God, I wish we could just win the lottery and move out of here now instead of waiting until we're ready and able.