We're "Dating"

So, BF and I talked last night and decided that what we're doing could be called dating. So, that's it...we're dating now. haha...silly titles. But this morning I kinda felt like I didn't get to talk about everything I wanted to. I'm not exactly sure what I want to say but I have a lot on my mind. I told him I can't date someone who doesn't have a job. But then I said we could consider ourselves dating already. So, that doesn't make sense. I need to clear that up. Also, I'm not sure if I'm comfortable telling people we're dating yet. Its not that I don't want them to know its him. Its more that I don't want FI to find out that BF and I are together already. Its only been a little over a month since I broke up with FI. That seems too soon. Plus, I feel kind of dumb for dating someone else within the same group of friends...like everyone is going to think I get around or something. It just feels like I need to give it time to simmer before jumping into anything like that. He also told me that since he doesn't feel like he belongs at home with his mom anymore, he considers himself homeless. Well, I definitely can't date someone who's homeless! So that's an issue too.

Setting Goals

My goal for March is to try and achieve all or most of the daily and weekly goals I set. Kind of redundant, but I figured it was a good start. My daily goals for yesterday were to start my cover letters for job applications and to workout 30 minutes. I didn’t have time to work out because I was running around like a mad woman after work. BFcalled and said he was on his way home from STL and was coming straight to my house. So, I was trying to get dinner together, clean up the house, shower, shave, and keep my sanity in tact. Lots of anxiety there. Its funny, I've known him for 10 years but now I get nervous at the very thought of him coming over. I know I don't need to do anything but I always want to do something to impress him. I just want everything to be perfect!

So anyway, I did write one cover letter yesterday. My mom proofread it for me and told me not to change a thing! I was excited about that. It was a good letter. So, then I sent it off to one of the ads I found right away. I really hope they like what they read because it’s a fun opportunity downtown with a wedding and event firm. I'd be surrounded by beautiful projects all the time. Exactly the kind of atmosphere I'm looking for. My weekly goals for this week are to lose 5 lbs and send out job applications. My counselor told me to focus on setting achievable goals to start with. That way I will stop feeling like a failure for not accomplishing them, and it will help to gain my confidence back… something I lost while with FI, for some reason.

I did write down some bigger goals as well though just to keep them in mind. I’m sure I’ll be focusing more on them soon. I’ve been told that you have to put a time limit on your goals if you want to reach them. So, here goes…
1. Find a higher paying job by June (so I don’t have to move in w/mom & can stay independent). 2. Pay off debts by (can’t remember exact date…I think I wanted to do this by September 2008).
3. Pay off car by September 2009.
4. Take a 2 week road trip along the pacific coast in Summer 2009. I've wanted to do this for so long and now that I'm single I see no reason why I shouldn't do it!
5. Buy property by my 30th bday. (house, condo, townhouse...something of my own.)…30 might be pushing it though since its only 2 ½ yrs away.

Creeped Out - readers digest version

So, that boy I spoke of last week... well he turned out to be a total weirdo. Everything was all good and neither one of us was taking the "date" thing seriously. Then after the show he drove me home, came in to pee, I offered him food/drink to be hospitable (I’m trying to get in the habit of doing that when ppl come over), we chatted about the movies on the coffee table and then he told me to put one in, so I start the movie... BF calls I told him I’d call him right back, I tried to be like, “I’m going to bed now. If you don’t feel like driving you can crash on the couch.” And then I went and put my PJs on b/c I wanted to go in the bedroom and talk to BF. Then he grabs my phone, texts BF again saying “I’m going to bed for real now, talk to you tomorrow”. And says, “lets finish the movie.” So, I’m like fine whatever… its cool. He puts his arm behind me, but we were sitting a cushion apart. Then I felt like I was being awkward & uncomfortable toward him. So, I figured I needed to losen up and chill. I leaned back into his arm and we were kind of cuddled together. We somehow fell asleep laying down w/my head on his chest during the movie. Didn’t do anything! No messing around, nothing. He didn’t even try to kiss me or anything. I’m not even attracted to him so it was all good. So, movie’s over, I get up and say “ok I’m going to bed.” He follows me in there, then I’m like, “no, you go out there. No one is allowed in my bed but me.” He gives me this bear hug and knocks me over onto the bed. I’m laying there thinking, “ok, I’m tired…I could just let him sleep next to me and leave it at that…as friends. No big deal.” But it just didn’t feel right, so 2 seconds later I got up and was like, “I’m serious, no one sleeps here. Its just not right.” B/c I was thnking its still mine & FI’s bed… I don’t even know how I’ll feel when BF sleeps over, you know? Then I spent the next hour play arguing & wrestling w/him, trying to get him to stay out of my bedroom and either sleep on the couch or go home, b/c I was trying to be nice and not sound like a bitch but I should’ve just been like, “Game over. Get out.” Seriously, he would not let me go. I’d get up to go in the other room and he’d hold onto me… I’d be like, “I’m thirsty” and he’d say “yeah right you’re just trying to get away”. So, I finally got up, stood in front of him, grabbed him by the biceps, looked him in the eye and said, "I'm not playing games anymore. You need to go home now." walked to the front door and opened it. He said, "Ok,. we're not friends anymore. I'm never coming over again." And I said, "Yeah, ok..." and that was the end of it.

The Thing About Boys

So this guy and I are driving together tonight to meet up with 2 of my best girlfriends for a concert we're all going to see. He's a cute, dorky kinda boy who the girls and I have always said is "harmless", meaning he is just a nice dorky guy who hangs out with us but we would never be attracted to...therefore he is not a threat to our current boyfriends. But then yesterday, we were all discussing what to do after that show and I jokingly said, "he and I are going on a date... hahaha." and it turned into a big joke between all of us. But then my one girlfriend was texting me this morning saying she thinks I would like him and telling me stuff about him that we have in common. Obviously, we like the same music. We're the same height, he works in design, he'll probably pay for my drinks all night... and I said to her, "You know you're setting me up for a crush right?" and she said, "Oops! Sorry." But I started thinking, why is it that I instantly start to like a guy just from simple things like common interests? Or if my friend was to say, "he likes you." then I'd automatically like him back. Its almost like a habit... boy likes me, I like him back. There's no questions asked. I mean, I don't really like this guy but I could see it happening if we hit it off. Can't I just have guy friends without wanting or liking them? I know its possible, but Jeez! I'm like a little girl sometimes. Ridiculous at all times.

Making Myself Crazy

He's been gone for 9 days now, back in his home town again, but it feels like twice that. The time alone was nice at first but now I miss him so much. I'm going crazy inside my head battling the idea that I'm in love. I'm wondering if I should just break it off altogether because I just can't avoid getting into a serious relationship with him and that's not what I need right now. My anxiety doesn't help when I've got issues like that on my mind. Everything was fine when we couldn't be together, but now that we can it scares me. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes I've made so many times. I don't want to fall back into the same old habits.

Then, as soon as he calls and I hear his voice again, I am instantly calm... I don't feel crazy anymore. I just want to be happy in love and think about all the wonderful things we want to do together. Its so cute how he just wants to be a part of my life and he wants me to share in everything that brings him joy. That's what love is about... so why am I so afraid to be in love?

Heart and Soul

Isn't it funny how love makes you do things? Hmm... deja vu. I think I've said that before. Normally I try to go to bed by 10:00pm when I'm at home. As long as I've finished whatever I need to do for the day, I try to get a good amount of sleep. But when I'm with him I will stay up until 2:00am, eyelids drooping, just so I can be close to him for as long as possible.

He continues to amaze me every day. There's so much more to him than the tough guy I knew as one of my best friends. We are so alike in our thinking... we're dreamers. We want to be happy and live beautiful fulfilling lives. We express our love in the most tender physical ways. I love the way he is always telling me, teaching me things I didn't know and challenging me with questions about myself. I feel like I've been in a bubble for the last 6 years and he is opening up the door to my heart and soul...

Dear BF

I love it when we talk for hours, but when we talk about stuff that actually has substance it opens up my heart and makes me happy to be with you. That is why I love you.

Revisiting My Expectations

The things I want in a man are things I want in myself!
Educated: has a HS and is at least working toward a college degree.
Financially stable: good credit, knows how to handle money.
Emotionally stable: aware of his emotions, able to handle them, able to communicate.
Goal Oriented: has Goals and Dreams and shows progress toward them.
Successful: has already accomplished goals in life, makes good money.
Common interests
Common goals
Determined
Romantic, passionate
Caring, Nurturing
Spontaneous
Adventurous
Open Minded
Attentive

You Don't Settle

I've been thinking a lot about how I have such high expectations for the guy I'm with every time. But he never lives up to them. And that makes me worried. How can I expect so much from someone right off the bat? How can I expect so much from someone when I'm not even able to meet those expectations myself? I mean, I want a guy who has money and seems to be going somewhere with his life. But where am I? I don't have money. I'm still trying to pay off debts I got into several years ago! I never finished college, I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I barely have enough money to buy Christmas and birthday presents for anyone when those dates come up. So, how can I expect that some guy is going to come along and want to do things for me? I guess that's why I'm so comfortable with guys who aren't successful... because we're in the same place. But I'm not going to get anywhere that way. The only way I'm going to attract success is to be successful myself.

I think all of this stems from the comment I got from an old friend this weekend. He gave us a tour of his new house, told us about all the work and money he put into it, how he'd just bought his girlfriend a new car because "she deserved it", and how he loves her so much... then he turns to me and says, "I used to have a huge crush on you for so long!" I was thrown off by how random it was for him to say that. But then I thought... if a guy who is so good looking, succesful, caring, and seems to be the perfect guy had a genuine interest in me at one time, then maybe I do have a chance of finding the perfect guy. Maybe I should hold out until I find that opportunity and not let myself get wrapped up in feelings of love just to let them hide the reasons I shouldn't be with someone.

So...how does this effect my current "non-relationship" with my best friend? It scares me. I love and care for him so much and when I'm with him I am so happy. But I know that there are a lot of things on my list of expectations that he does not fit. My brain tells me that I should be strong and smart, making it clear to him that I can't be in a relationship until I am able to meet these expectations myself. I don't want to lose him, especially as a friend. But I have to be smart this time around. I have to remember that you don't settle when it comes to a guy.