Your Turn to Go Get Her

Are you kidding me? These are the moments that I just cannot understand; this is why I make fun of you to my friends saying "he calls me after an hour of being alone with the baby, asking when I'm going to be home."

I've been working all morning on a scholarship essay and trying to get ahold of admissions at the 2 colleges I'm pursuing and when I go upstairs to ask BF is he can go pick up DD for me while I return a call to one of the admissions advisors instead of me going to pick her up, he gives me a grumpy face and gets all flustered. So I ask what's wrong and he gets all whiny saying "I really don't want to! I just wanna chill and do nothing right now. I don't even want her here." Really?? That's how you feel? I'm with her 24-7 and hardly ever get a break and now when I have something important to do, you're going to be a bitch about it? I could tell he realized what he was doing and so he says, "Alright, I'll go...dammit." I tried to just tell him to forget about it and then he got all huffy again and said, "now I feel bad. I love our daughter, I really do!"

I just could not grasp his attitude whatsoever. I didn't even know what to say.

Period Letdown

Is it wrong that I get secretly excited when my period is late? Or that I'm actually kind of disappointed when my period does get here? I guess part of me would love to have another baby even if it's not the right time. It must be that primal instinct to carry on the species that pushes us to do things we know weren't entirely pleasant the first time around. To reproduce even when we can't fully handle the child we have now. Or maybe it's just the fact that I can't justify the PMS symptoms I get. Nausea, mood swings, fatigue, back pain, etc...are just not necessary every month! When will they figure out a way to skip all those things? They probably have for all I know, but I'm not really into birth control so I guess I'll never know.


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Spending Spree Anxiety

Overall, I've been feeling really good lately. But now I'm starting to get anxiety. There's just way too much going on right now. We've been living here 2 years and made no plan or progress toward getting out. I saved some money over the winter but as soon as Spring came, I started spending like crazy. I just keep finding things I need or want. I tried to be smart about it by looking at garage sales every week, but I just end up buying more crap when I can't find what I really want. Then I get fed up with trying to be frugal and live within my means. So, I go out & spend more money and try to justify it because I got it at an outlet or discount store. Today I spent $200 on sheets & a quilt because the comforter we got last year is too hot in the Summer. I just wanted a quilt, but of course I couldn't buy that without the rest to match. A lot of this comes from the fact that 4th of July is in 2 weeks and we're having people over. So of course, being the hostess that I am, I'm feeling rushed to get the house & yard in order before the party. All the things we've put off for so long, we're now just throwing money at to get them done. What's worse is that MIL just lost her job, so now we she has to file for unemployment, which means the fact that I'm on it comes up way more often. She's asking me questions about it and I get paranoid and anxious thinking about what she and her parents might be saying about the whole situation. And her parents are the ones we were going to be asking for money to get the yard done, but now they have to help her. So they're suggesting she clear out some space to store her brothers crap instead of him keeping it in a storage locker because they'd rather see the money go to her than the storage unit. I don't see why any of them think that's going to work. We have no space & she's already a hoarder!

TBC...


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Blame it all on your parents

I'm reading "What to Expect; the Toddler Years" and there's a section on how much praise to give a child. It says, "some believe that constantly telling a child they're the best can turn out a paralyzed perfectionist who is so afraid of not being able to live up to overblown parental expectations that they stop trying."

Hmm...I wonder if that's where some of my perfectionism anxiety comes from.

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We Only Watch Kids Movies Now

Seeing BF try so hard to enjoy watching Finding Neverland, a movie you really have to pay attention to, with our wound up toddler running around, making noise and pausing it each time she interrupts us gives me major anxiety. I don't know why he isn't able to accept the fact that we have to sacrifice a lot of things we want to do for the sake of DD. It's been that way for 2 years now. Sure, I get upset about it too, but what else are we going to do?

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Raising So Much More Than a Child

I'm on a trial pass at the fitness center because I've realized that working out really makes me feel good. So as much as I love this Gym, it's giving me anxiety. Not just about my own social status, feeling like I need to dress and look a certain way to belong. But about DDs status because they offer daycare and she's never been in anything like that before. I keep questioning. Is she being judged? Do the other kids think she's weird? Will they pick on her for using her pacifier or sign language? Does she look okay? I intentionally picked out a really cute outfit for her this morning and put a barrette in her hair so she wouldn't look like a ragamuffin. We did a trial run this morning. I went in with her for 10 minutes and then sat outside the door to see how long she'd be ok. About 4 minutes later they waved me back in. One of the advisors was sitting on the ground holding her while she cried her eyes out saying, "Mama! Mama!" with all the other kids standing around her, staring. For the rest of the day all I could think was that it's my fault for being an attachment parent and not socializing her sooner. That I did her a disservice by being with her so much and doing everything I can to make her happy and let her do things at her own speed. That my parenting in these first 2 years will lead her to be the outcast, she'll be made fun of in school, she'll have a hard time making friends, she won't succeed in anything, she won't have a date to the prom... Should I change my parenting style? Should I force her into daycare like everyone else seems to do so easily? Should I accept the cry-it-out method as a tool for preparing your child for the real world? Should I...?

I fear there is SO much more to raising a child than just loving her. You're not caring for a puppy. You're molding a human being.

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Test

Trying out my new iPhone.


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Flipmode

I was so productive last week, feeling great about myself and then this week totally lulled. Can't get myself motivated to do anything but yet I have this uncomfortable obsession with looking at wedding stuff online. I can't stop. It's not normal. I feel an anxiety in my body that is compelling me to get back on the computer and waste more time on this subject. It's really bothering me. I'm mad at myself for being so unproductive and sluggish this week and feel crazy for being suddenly being so obsessed with wedding stuff. Could it be the incredible valentines day I had? Could the sudden overdose of romance, sex, and spontaneity after a very long dry spell have pushed my hormones into overload and flipped some kind of switch in my brain that said "Start planning!"? I don't like this feeling at all.