Thanksgiving Recap

Earlier today I was questioning myself, "What's going on here? Am I manic today?" I woke up at 8:30am, when I usually can't get up before 10am lately, started my day by doing dishes, washing MIL's new set of cookware for her so she could use it to cook Thanksgiving dinner tonight, and then straightening up the living room and dusting. I woke up feeling like I had to do something productive today or I'd go crazy. I wasn't going anywhere for the holiday, like I usually do, but I wasn't hosting either. I was just at home with no sense of responsibility. To most people this might be a great thing. To me it was not. Once we brought in the bigger dinner table and started arranging things the way they needed to be for dinner, I started to get crazy anxiety. I was freaking out in my head about how MIL has no clue what she's doing and takes way too long to make a decision about things. I just wanted to be like "The table seats 8, we're having 6. Put it this way and it will work fine!" Then she didn't have a table cloth and didn't want to buy one because they're too expensive. Um, hello? You don't need a cloth one. Just get a disposable from the grocery store. It beats eating on a plain (dirty) fold out table. She just didn't seem to get the idea of how to host a holiday. I'll admit, I've never done it myself. But I was raised by the Hostess With the Mostess and I pride myself on being the same. So, it just drove me nuts to see how MIL works. I explained to to BF this way, "You know when you see a picture hanging just a little bit crooked, and you can't think straight until you straighten it? Well, that's how this is for me. She's the crooked picture."

So, I went to the store and got a tablecloth. Then after a buildup of anxiety while showering and getting ready, I realized I was starving. 2:30 is really the stupidest time to have Thanksgiving dinner. You end up skipping lunch and then being hungry way before anything is ready, especially with MIL who is always late at everything. Of course, this is even worse for me because when I get hungry I start to lose it. Maybe it's a low blood sugar thing. I don't know, but it is just not good. So, as our 1 guest arrived, I made some cheese and crackers and sat down to socialize. It was like I put on a mask. Cheese & crackers out, hostess hat on, ready to go. I had a smile on my face and you never would've guessed I was about to lose it any second.

Not long after that we opened the wine and the rest of the day was great. Yes, I realize I'm self medicating. But honestly, it is the only thing I have for my anxiety these days. Anyway, we had a wonderful dinner. Everything tasted great, we had a nice time, played some games after dinner and laughed a lot. And that is what I'm thankful for this year, that I got through thanksgiving and was able to enjoy it.

When it hurts so bad

I'm so lost right now. I've run through so many emotions in the past few hours that I am just exhausted. I was depressed all day and then finally decided to get out of the house to go get a Big Mac and Oberweis. It seems all I can do to fight my anxiety and depression this week is eat those 2 things. I had them 3 times this week! It's ridiculous. And now they have large size shakes at Oberweiss so that makes it even worse. I'm going to be 200 lbs before I'm able to get out of this slump. I'm alone all day long with no one to interact with except a MIL who makes me completely insane. All day I'm trying to conjure up the energy and patience to deal with my 18 month old and try to somehow wean her off of nursing because it is killing me. Then BF works late and comes home for 5 minutes only to leave to go hang out with the neighbors. I mean, I can't completely blame him for that because we had sort of planned to go there together tonight and bring DD with us. But when I told him I was having such a bad day I kind of hoped he'd stay home with me. Especially after I said I didn't want to go, then I said I would, then got anxiety so bad that I started crying. He said he felt guilty and asked me if he should stay home but really, what's the point? Nothing he says makes me feel better. It just makes me feel more alone. He told me once when we first started dating, while I was feeling really depressed from my engagement, "you'll never have to feel alone again when you're with me". Well, he was more wrong than ever. At least back then I had him as my best friend to comfort me. Now I can't talk to him at all and I don't want him near me because I'm so touched out from nursing that I can't stand to have anyone touch me at all. I feel like everything is just driving me deeper and deeper into a downward spiral. It hurts so bad.

Realizations/Confessions

• I've made so many bad life choices.
• I should have tried to fix myself and my own financial problems before getting involved in someone else's.
• I'm sick of paying both AT&T bills, bailing BF out on his car payments, and having to pay for airplane tickets to his family reunion after we agreed he would pay for it.
  
• I'm 30 years old. I should not be living in my own mother's house, much less anyone else's mother's house.
• I subconsciously would rather complain about not having any room for any of my belongings here instead of making room and moving my stuff in, because I'm in denial about the fact that I live here. I don't want to make any moves that would establish this as a permanent or even semi-permanent residence.
• I should have so much accomplished by now and I have nothing. Not even the ambition to find my dreams or get a simple job anymore.
  
• I miss my apartment SO much. I miss my freedom.
• I don't know who I am.
  

Snuggle Therapy

Took DD to the Dr. yesterday for her 18 month checkup. They loaded her up with vaccines because I always seem to miss an appointment here and there so she needed to catch up. They also informed me that her right ear looks infected. I had no clue anything was wrong with her, but once they mentioned it I did recall her rubbing her finger in her ear a few times. I had thought it was just because she was tired. Something inside me questioned whether this downward spiral I've been in has got me so distracted that I wasn't able to notice her cues. Maybe all the whining she's done lately that I hear as a nagging, annoying noise she won't stop doing was really a cry of discomfort. It's these questions that leave me doubting the job I do as a mother. Today I spent all day snuggling, cuddling, and paying as much attention as I could to her, trying to ease her discomfort from the ear ache and very sore, stiff legs after getting the shots. Maybe it was the fact that I didn't have any other worries than loving my babygirl today that made me feel a little better. I seem to be much less anxious. Just calm, easy going, and not dwelling on being depressed.

Perhaps it was the visit with my Mom last night. After the Dr. we made the long drive to Grandma's house to escape having dinner with BF's mom at home while he was working late. I had a lot to get off my chest and it was good to cry and talk with my Mom. She also worked on my back--it's been really tight and sore lately--which may have had a therapeutic effect on me.

Darkness

Yesterday was bad. It's been gloomy outside lately and it feels gloomy in my head, too. I slept till 10am and then took a 2 hour nap later in the day when DD napped.

Belated Postpartum Depression

18 months after my daughter's birth, I've finally broke down and decided to get some help. I kept thinking I was ok, that I could handle this on my own, that my mood swings were just normal female behavior that I needed to learn to cope better with. But that's not entirely true.

I'm depressed, tired, full of anxiety, bored, and just plain sick of it all. I have no patience for anything. When BF calls me from work I'm annoyed and short with him. We have no sex life whatsoever and I can't stand to hear him joke about it anymore. The whining sounds DD makes grind at me right away. It's all piling up and I can do nothing but stare off into space with my mind racing. I often have trouble sleeping, lying awake until 2 or 3 in the morning.

So, I spoke with a postpartum counselor yesterday. She stopped into my room in L&D right after I had the baby to talk to me about my high risk and give me her card. I'm glad I kept it. We met for an hour and she gave me some insight on what might help me as well as some referrals to a therapist and a psychiatrist who take my insurance, since we're now on Public Aid. I'm hoping to get back on Wellbutrin as it seemed to be the miracle worker for me before I got pregnant. I know this won't be an instant transformation, but taking these first steps makes me feel a little better for the moment. At least I can believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel.