Ha...The Soundtrack

To my life....

Gym Class Heroes - The Queen and I
Dashboard Confessional - Screaming Infidelities
The Killers - All the Pretty Faces
Alicia Keys - No One
Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry

... music is such a powerful thing.

Another Late Night Out

Last night I drove around and dropped off the last few Christmas presents I had for friends. When I stopped at my best friend's house to give him his gift, I ended up staying for a while. That could've been predicted considering we never want to leave each other's side once we're together. He didn't have a gift for me, so he made dinner for the two of us and then we watched a movie...sort of. I swear I didn't come over to his house for that reason! It just seems to happen... we find each other irresistable.

Text messages from my fiance were coming in every half hour or so past 11:00pm. First suggesting that I come home from "the bar", then once I texted that I wasn't at the bar, the texts changed to a more sarcastic and suspicious tone. I know he's not stupid, so I don't blame him for saying something. But I was hoping he would just trust us a little bit...just long enough for us to break it off on our own without him realizing what's going on. So, toward the end of the movie came the moment by bf and I had both been avoiding... "we need to talk". I could tell how difficult it was for him to say, "we can't keep doing this." Then he went on... "I've wanted you for so long and you make me so happy whenever I'm around you. But I just can't do this to him. I love that boy too much. ...I love you too, but ...you know."

"I know. You're right. ...so we just have to hang out without having sex ...or kissing... or touching... " I replied, sighing and biting my lip.

He answered, "Well, we can still flirt like we always have. But yeah... So, are we ever going to tell him?"

"No. Never." I said, "Deny deny deny. There's no reason for him to know. It would just hurt him even more."

So...there it is... a breakup of sorts. A breakup of the benefits side of being best friends with him. Now... its time for me to focus on what I really want, without being distracted by the crazy chemistry with my bf. What a life I live.... nonstop drama.

Confusion and Decision Making

Talked to mom today. I've decided that I can't go through with it. I can't get married. Maybe there is nothing real between my best friend and I. But there is surely not enough between my fiance and I... otherwise I wouldn't be so unfaithful, right? I can't marry someone I'm not in love with. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it or how I'm going to tell him, but I am going to call it off. I'm scared of what comes next.

Totally Confused

I don't know what's going on now. I feel like I let myself get too wrapped up in this intensity with my best friend. I think about him constantly, I make a point to go out on the weekends in hopes that I'll meet up with him and end up going home with him. But when I don't talk to him for 3 days he never attempts to contact me. So, maybe he's really not as interested as I thought. The other day he said to me, "We have to talk." and I thought I knew what he meant, so I said, "Yeah, I know... and we need to not be drunk when we do talk because I say way too much when I'm drunk." He replied, "Yeah, I know." So, I texted him the next day to ask him if this talk was important enough that it needed to be soon, and maybe we could do dinner that night. But he said no, it can be whenever. So...I'm so confused. At my family Christmas party I was picturing him there instead of my fiance. I kept thinking, "how would he fit in here instead of FI." And I wasn't sure that he would be the perfect match either... so its not like I'm looking for someone to replace my fiance and step into that role right away. I just love being with my bf. I don't expect anything from him but that he want to be with me just as much. No commitment, no strings, just love. But maybe I'm in too deep and he sees that now, and he wants to run.

So, I'm totally disinterested in my marriage, and now I'm going to lose my best friend too. Maybe its PMS talking... I don't really know. Its funny how I always have a hunch that it might be PMS when I get really emotional. I just feel like I am always messing things up. Getting married was the only good thing I had going for me. Within the past 4 days, two other girls I know have become engaged, and family is giving me Christmas gifts that are appropriate for married couples. That makes me feel even more like I'm supposed to be getting married. But now I'm just so turned off by it. There's so much missing that I had ignored before. Did I just give up on what I really wanted out of love because I had been depressed? I can't believe that I would do that. I'm a dreamer. How could I just give up on romance?

Keeping My Mouth Shut

I feel like a complete idiot. I should've kept my mouth shut the other night. Now I'm stressing over the fact that I told him I'm in love with him and I remember him saying, "you're just confused..." And yeah, I am confused! I'm totally confused. How could I not be? I think I'm in love with my best friend/one of fiance's best friends... Ugh. Whatever. So, I've decided to just not talk to him for a while and see what happens since he's not living out of state at the moment. But its only been 24 hours since I talked to him last and if feels like forever! I am constantly thinking about him and I have to actually make an effort NOT to text him when I think of stuff that reminds me of him... or to just send him little inside jokes. I'm so ridiculous. I've really been contemplating talking this over with my mom because I know she'll be the first one to be accepting of the fact that I'm having issues. She'd want me to work them out before we go and spend thousands of dollars on a wedding for a marriage that isn't right. But at the same time, I'm just scared to talk to anyone about it because I know I'm being so unfair to my fiance. Everyone will hate me for it. It will be a disaster.

Screaming Infidelities

What a ride I'm on.... this crazy messed up friendship-lovespell thing I'm in... I left the house at 10:30pm Friday night to go to the bar and sit by myself... just so I could be sure I wouldn't miss my chance to meet up with him after he drove 4 and 1/2 hours back home from the city he was supposed to have moved to by now. My heart beats so fast just thinking about it.

Then last night I stayed out late drinking with him again and went back to his house... where we layed together and talked--sort of--and in the midst of it the "I love you"s somehow turned into "I'm IN love with you". Now I'm not sure if he was just really drunk and didn't mean to say that or if he really meant it. But of course, I'd been waiting for those words to come out of his mouth because I've been holding back so much. Immediately, I asked him to repeat it and he wouldn't at first. Then he must have because I couldn't hold back anymore and I repeated it back to him.
So...here we are, like a couple of school kids, staying out late and staying up into the morning making out and confessing our love for each other. Oh wow, that sounds so ridiculous when I actually say it out loud... am I really doing that?

Meanwhile...I'm getting in "trouble" all the time with my fiance. He's always mad because I go out to the bars, stay out late, and sleep over at people's houses. He knows where I am every time. I keep him updated, and I stay over at people's houses so I don't drive drunk. But he still yells at me and texts me to come home. I suppose I can't completely get away with what I'm doing. But as long as its the little things he's getting mad about and he doesn't actually find out about the infidelities... I guess I can handle that. ...wow. I'm a terrible person.

Satisfying a Woman Who Thinks Like a Guy

We did it. The flirting and chemistry was just too much to handle! So, as soon as I knew my period was gone (...sorry, probably TMA) I made a date with him. Sunday Blockbuster night. I had to!! I couldn't stand not being with him another minute. I drove all the way to a party he was at Friday at 4am just so I could kiss his black eye (from a fight he got in earlier) and be with him for a little while that night, so by Sunday I was craving his attention. I love the way he grabs my beltloops when he's walking behind me and pulls me close to him. I love how he constantly wants to touch me... rubbing my thighs, tickling my arms and neck, grabbing my ass when he walks past, kissing my forehead or cheeks. No one else has ever been like that with me! He grabs my hips and gently digs his fingers in on my hip bones and it drives me crazy... I have to move away and say, "oh no... don't do that now..." with a smile on my face, of course. He walks up behind me and kisses the back of my neck... I've always loved it when someone did that. Why doesn't my fiance do that!?

So... we got a movie, we weren't even drinking at all, and half way through the movie we just started looking at each other. I'd catch him looking at me, or he'd catch me looking at him... then finally... just started making out. And after a few minutes he stopped kissing and just looked at me. So, I'm like, "what?" And he says, "you're looking at me like you want to say C'mon mother fucker! Rip my clothes off already!" ...that was a pretty vulgar interpretation of what I was thinking but he wasn't that far off considering I'd been wanting him every day for who knows how long. So, I laughed said, "well... yeah... pretty much."

After it was done, I was so relieved. Ahhh... I could've fallen asleep right then and there. I don't know how he does it, as awkard as it may be physically (remember the movie pic from the previous blog! lol..), he is so good at satisfying me. We started talking a little and he asks me, "Do you feel bad?" ....I answered, "Do I feel bad about what?...cheating? ..... no ...If it was anyone else I would feel bad. But not with you. In a perfect world I would be able to have 2 guys and I would be content with that. But... I can't so this is how it has to be." ...He laughed a little and said, "You know you think like a guy, right?" And I answered, "Yeah... I kinda turn myself on by that." (wink) I guess its just the whole factor of wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Usually its the guys that think that way... the guys that go around breaking hearts. But in my case... I'm just one of the guys.

Anxiety Attack!!!

2:00pm-I'm fucking having an anxiety attack. The president of our company just called me while I was in the middle of writing out another blog explaining the rollercoast of emotions I've been on the last 2 days and started asking me all these questions to which I don't have the answer and there's no reason I would have the answer to begin with. I feel like I'm shaking, my eyes are starting to well up and my heart is pounding.

Is this my fucking period? Why did it come yesterday? Its at least a week early! I don't understand. I'm not supposed to be feeling this way. I thought I was happy now. My meds are supposed to be making me happy now!!! Wtf? I fucking hate anxiety.. I think I have to go home. I can't stay here like this I'll fucking freak out.....

I've been questioning everything. I'm doubting my wedding. I don't know why Mike is even with me. He makes me feel like I'm worthless and could be replaced by a dog, by saying that I'm lazy and don't clean for shit. I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

2:19pm--My head is spinning. My chest is tight, I'm almost short of breath. My abs are tight, like I'm holding them in for crunches on purpose. I ran out to the car to get my CDs b/c I remember when I used to have anxiety all the time I made myself a note to listen to soothing music. As I was running out there I was thinking, "what did I always listen to then? What was it?.... Brandy & Christina!" So, I grabbed them and went back to my desk to try and focus on staying under control. I think I'm maintaining pretty well on the outside. The music seems to be helping. But I feel like I'm trapped in an invisible bubble that only stretches as long as my elbows and if anyone comes up and talks to me I'm just going to freak out or freeze up and give them the deer in headlights look.

3:13pm--Hahaha...ok, I find this funny. I just listened to the whole Brandy CD. I've calmed down imensely. I feel a lot more collected, and I even offered to help my friend with something she was working on, which means I'm able to focus again and comprehend things. ...and.... I just got a call from my bf inviting me to have a "lovely" dinner and watch a movie tonight instead of going out drinking for 50 cent draft night. Things are looking up. Its so adorable that he asks me to come over for dinner and a movie. Now, if only I could get past the fact that my fiance is mad at me for telling him I was going out for drinks tonight with one of my girlfriends (which I really was planning on doing and coming home by 9 or 10!)... then I might be able to make dinner and a movie. But if not, then I think I'd better stay home.

...I also find it funny that best friend and boyfriend have the same abbreviation. So, when I type bf thinking best friend, I read it back later and it reads boyfriend. ha!

The Odd Couple

I just wanted to point out something funny that I thought of as we were watching this movie last night. I posted a picture a couple days ago, from the movie "A Lot Like Love", because the look on their faces really shows the chemistry I'd been talking about. But then when we were watching Knocked Up last night and I saw the odd couple in that movie... a pretty girl, tall and thin, with a goofy looking guy who's really hairy, kinda chubby, and rough looking... it made me laugh. I thought, "that looks way more like us!" Hahaha.. except I think my guy is fatter and has shorter hair so doesn't have the benefit of the sexy jewfro. LOL.

Stop Messing With My Head

So, I basically spent the whole weekend with him. I got all ready for this "date" we were supposed to be going on Saturday night (like a girl usually would for a real date...shaved, showered, dolled up and smelling all good), and then I come to find out we're just going to hang out with our friends at their house. That was confusing. He did take me out to dinner though, just the 2 of us, which was nice...and then he kissed me several times after we left the restaurant, putting me into a daze right before we went to our friends house and then left me hanging the rest of the night because we can't do anything in front of our friends. Wierd. I don't understand... is he trying to show me that we can just be friends and hang out without getting sexual? Or was he just trying to restrain himself because he doesn't want to do that to his boy again? I don't know. Its so confusing.

We stayed at our friends house overnight because we were getting drunk and the weather was crappy so it was safer. I didn't realize till the next day that I was stuck there with them all day while they watched football. I didn't even have any way to go home and take a shower. It sucked. I pretty much napped on and off all day with my head on his shoulder while he watched the games. That was nice. It was comforting. It reminded me of when I was younger and couldn't sleep at night. I'd go into the living room and put my head on my dad's shoulder and try to fall asleep there while he watched the games or shows he'd taped from ealier in the day. So, finally we left our friends house to go home. I figured we'd just go back to his house, I'd get my car and go home. But he ended up driving out of the way to show me all these houses that were decorated for xmas, and then we went and rented a movie. I didn't get home until 10:30pm and I was so exhausted. I'm still exhausted today, and a little sick to my stomach because I didn't have my pills with me yesterday so I think that threw me off a bit.

Ok, so seriously... I don't get it. He told me he hasn't had sex in a month or more because he's been waiting for this girl he's seeing to give it up. But... he's had every opportunity to get together with her for that and instead, he's spent that time with me. She even texted him while we were watching the movie and said, "you've been ignoring me all wknd". I told him she's probably pissed because she wants to get laid too. But he said, "oh well. I've been occupied." ...what does that mean?? I almost know him better than he does when it comes to that. How could he not be interested in that? Unless... he's more interested in me.