Missing You Already

He went out of town today for the weekend. He'll be back on Wednesday, but I find myself missing him already. I thought after the other day that seeing him more would make me less interested. But I saw him almost every day this week and I can't wait to see him again! I love spending time with him...laughing, cuddling, talking, kissing, and everything else. He makes me feel joy and happiness... Yesterday I saw a beautiful sunset sky and all I wanted to do was take a picture of so I could share that with him. I want him to share in my joy every time I feel it. I want him to experience every happiness that I do.

Don't Be So Sensitive

For the past couple weeks he has been almost a different person. I can tell he's let his guard down completly now and he's comfortable to act any way he wants around me. He calls me almost every day, he tells me constantly how he feels about me, he stares deeply into my eyes without saying a word, and he wants me to be with him all the time. He's shown me that he's just as big of a dork as I am. Its wonderful... but at the same time a little daunting. I have never seen this side of him before. When we were seeing each other last time, about two and a half years ago, he started to show me his sensitive, caring side and it freaked me out. I was like, "Who is this? This is not the guy I know. This is not my 'boy'... the hard assed sarcastic friend I chill with." And it kind of scared me away. But I can't let it scare me away this time because I really care about him and if I do ever want to have a future with him I'll have to know, love, and accept all sides of him. I just know that he doesn't let many people in like he lets me in to see his sensitive side. It feels nice...but weird. It also takes away a little of the excitement. I guess I liked the thrill of the chase. As much as he drove me crazy, I think I liked not knowing he was mine... and having to hold myself back from calling him. I've been trying to do that lately, but he calls before I even have a chance to test myself. I suppose I could not answer... but I figure that would just be dumb. Its so backwards... it seems to be that when he ignores me I want him more than ever and vice versa. I kind of want him to be that hardass that I always knew, but still give me all the attention he gives me. Of course, isn't it always the case that you want what you can't have?

A Lot Like Love

For a movie that made me think of him the moment I saw the first TV preview for it in 2005, A Lot Like Love was WACK! I thought it was going to be about best friends who eventually fall in love. Well, I guess that was the plot. But it was totally not like I expected. It wasn't even that good. I found myself laughing at things in the beginning that weren't even funny. But I was the only one laughing. He wasn't amused at all. I could even tell in the beginning of the movie that it was going to be lame. It seemed to be moving so slow. Total letdown. Thumbs down for Ashton Kutcher on this one.

How to Be Romantic

I guess its another blogeriffic day, seeing as how I'm on my 3rd one! I thought I'd specify what I consider to be romantic and what my perfect date would me. Looks like I'm not the first one to think guys need instructions on these things...
How to Take a Girl on a Perfect Date
Guide to a Perfect Date
Cheat Sheet For The Perfect Date
Best ideas for your perfect date
So, what do I think is important? Do your research! Even if a guy admits to getting all his ideas off the internet or a movie, at least he put in the time and effort of finding out what it takes to impress me. Find out what I like! Flowers, chocolates, candles... I love the city; take me to a restaurant you found on Metromix. Pay attention to details! Yes, candles will set the mood. But take a minute to pick out special candles when you're at the store. Don't just get some 99 cent jar candles that smell like wax. Go for a scent that will have a euphoric effect like Jasmine-Ylang Ylang is said to have. But don't use these candles on the dinner table... you don't want the smell to be overpowering. When in doubt, do your best to reacreate any romantic scene from a favorite movie. You can't fail with that... well, unless you do it half assed I guess.

Awesome Romantic Ideas:
nzgirl - Top 10 Most Romantic Movie Scenes
Most Romantic Movie Scene
Top Romantic Movies

Some of my favorite romantic movies:
50 first Dates, Sweet Home Alabama, The Wedding Singer, Chocolat, Say Anything, Moulin Rouge, Pretty Woman, Armageddon, Ever After, Jerry Maguire, Romeo + Juliet, French Kiss, 40 Days and 40 Nights, Spanglish, Mr. Deeds, Fools Rush In... I suppose I could go on forever with this...can you tell its my favorite type of movie?

Already picturing it! Why?

I was making mental notes this weekend of things that I thought I should discuss in my next counseling session. One of those things is my obsession with weddings. I'm trying really hard not to think about weddings anymore and to find another career interest. I even thought of collecting all my wedding magazines and stuff, taking them out to a field and burning them... like a ritual to release all my past obsessions. But I already find myself picturing my future wedding... not the one I'd been planning with my fiance, but the wedding I'll have when I really find "the one". I'm already saying things like, "when I really get married I want to run away...have a destination wedding somewhere with only a select few people present, and I'll want a mermaid shaped dress to show off my figure instead of a ballgown like I wanted before." Um...hello!! I just got out of an engagement! I know I don't want to get married anytime soon, so why can't I stop picturing these things? I'm even picturing myself marrying my best friend now! I'm thinking "since he loves nature and canoeing so much and camping is special to us...we could have a wedding like Kevin Costner and get married in Aspen or Lake Tahoe where there's mountains and lakes...it would be so perfect and beautiful." I was even trying to feel him out a little when we were watching the Oscars and listen to which dresses he thought were hot so that I would know what style of wedding dress he'd like. I've already shown him the pics of me in the wedding dress I was supposed to wear... he didn't have much reaction to it. Must not have liked the poofiness because the only dress he really liked on the Oscars was a mermaid dress that looked like it had fishscales on it...guys have the weirdest taste in clothes!

So, am I crazy? I feel like there's something wrong with me... why do I do this? What's even crazier is that we were laying on his chaise lounge with me laying back between his legs and he was rubbing my stomach... it made me picture us exactly like that only I was pregnant! So weird... why do I do that? Do all girls do that...picture their whole future with a guy when they first start dating them? I know I've done it before too with every other guy I've dated. That's probably why I end up in relationships so quickly and they turn into long term serious ones only to end up being the wrong guy. That's something I'd really like to avoid from here on out!

Quality Time

We had the most amazing sex this weekend! I mean, it really is amazing every time but we had a lot of it this weekend just because we could. No one was home at his house all weekend and I am finally single and could stay out as long as I wanted. So, we had a little slumber party Saturday night--just the two of us. We broke his bed frame! LOL... We had to put the mattress on the floor and it really made it feel like the days when I had friends sleep over when I was younger and we'd put the mattress in the living room so we could watch movies until we fell asleep. Then I helped him make breakfast in the morning; we just chilled the rest of the day, then watched the Oscars in the evening and critiqued fashion and speeches. It was so nice, and I didn't drink or do any other substances all weekend. I have such a great time with him even when we're just chillin at home doing nothing. I love it! He does too. He told me several times this weekend how much he enjoys spending time with me. Its so funny too because we have so much in common and we think alike too. We even say things at the same time. Its kind of weird, but cool.

Spacing Out

God, I'm a slacker... I barely have any work to do these days at my job. So instead of doing the few things that need to get done, I sit and surf the net all day... I was supposed to place a supply order like a week ago but I just dick around all day. Wtf... I think I'm just burnt out from all the bullshit I've been going through. I need a vacation.

The Rainbow

I saw a rainbow on my drive to work this morning! I don't think I've ever seen one in the winter. I smiled because it felt like a sign that everything's going to be ok... I'm doing the right thing by breaking up. Its time for change; there's always a rainbow after the storm.

More of My Weirdness

Wanna know something weird? You know when you think you’re getting your period, you’ll be like, “uh oh...” and go to the bathroom to check…and you look at your panties to see if it's started… (I know, I’m weird to be talking about this…but I know everyone does it!) Ok, so I just did that and there is a perfectly shaped upside down heart on them… haha… I thought it was so ironic… a bleeding heart…

hahaha…I bleed emo.

Ripping the Bandaid Off

I did it. I broke up with my fiance. It was so difficult to do and I'd been dragging our relationship out for so long knowing I didn't want to be in it anymore. But I finally got up the courage to do it and all I can do now is worry about him. He's devastated. He keeps blaming himself for everything and apologizing. Its terrible. I try to tell him that its about me and what I want and that he really didn't do anything wrong, but he doesn't hear that. I have so much anxiety today. My stomach is in knots and my muscles are all tense. It would probably be easier and make a lot more sense to him if I told him there's someone else. But I can't do that. The other guy is one of his best friends too and we don't want to ruin that. He's going to need friends to lean on and that would just make it worse. I just can't stop worrying right now. I feel so bad. He just recently admitted to being an alcoholic and this isn't going to make that any easier to deal with. I'm afraid he'll just slip into depression and drink all the time. I really do care about him so much and I want the best for him. He just doesn't seem to know how to do that for himself.

Almost 5:00

This has been the most boring week I've ever had at work. All I've done is surf the net and blog all day long every day. Its pathetic. I cannot wait to get out of here and out to dinner with FI for Valentine's Day. Not that it will be any more exciting than this... but at least I can have a cocktail or three while I'm there.

And then there's him. He had absolutely no plans for me today. He had plans for Winnie... but not me. That's understandable. Its not like he can even see me on Valentine's Day. But he could've at least thought of me ahead of time like he did her. I'm supposedly #1 to him...except on all major holidays. Whatev.

NOT Related to Love

Wow, its been a while since I wrote about something unrelated to my lovelife. I guess I'm well overdue! So...

I just made a discovery! There is an amazing graffit artist out of Bristol, England who goes by the name Banksy. I've seen his artwork before and probably used the images here in my blog, having found them on google image searh and not knowing where they originated from. I'm very inspired by his work. It makes me want to be creative, expressive, and make a statement! Here are some examples of his work as they were intended... spray painted on concrete in the night just fast enough so not to get caught defacing public property.

"Cupid"

That night that he and I stayed up late for the superbowl, we talked about how we always have "our time"...no matter if I'm single or not. We have the camping trip we take with our friends on Memorial Day weekend. We always go together. FI only wanted to go one time and then never again. So, he said..."that's our time". Well, today I heard this song...

How many times must we go through this?
You've always been mine, woman i thought you knew this.
How many times must we go through this?
You'll always be mine, Cupid only misses sometimes.
But we could end up broken hearted.
If we don't remember why this all started,
And if they try to tell you love fades with time,
Tell them there's no such thing as time
It's our time.

--Jack Johnson, Cupid

Doubts & Logic

I was thinking about the things I've always wanted in a man and realized, "I can't be with him. He'll never fit into that description of what I want." I want a guy...

Who's going to sweep me off my feet.
Who likes all the music I like and sings to me.
Who buys me stuff and sends me roses at work.
Who can't get enough of me. (well, he's got that one down so far.)
Who takes me out on real dates no matter how long we've been together.

Who appreciates a little old school when it comes to taking a girl out... TGIFridays and a movie are ok, but if you really want to impress me you better be dressing sharp, showing up with flowers, and making a reservation for dinner because that's the way to court a lady.

Who makes me feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. (No...not like a hooker! Girls know what I'm talking about... like you've gone from rags to riches...more like Cinderella.)

Who will watch The Notebook with me.
Who wants to try new things with me.
Who likes to do the things I like to do.
Who sends me sweet text messages.
Who knows how to keep me happy.
Who wants to slow dance with me.
Who wants to travel together.
Who wants to cook for me.

The list goes on... I'm sure there are a lot of things on the list that he does fit into. But what about the rest? Do I just forget about the rest if the love is strong enough? Sometimes I think I'll never find the one who fits my perfect description. Its understandable...that's a lot to expect. But I'm a dreamer. I should be able to have exactly what I want now and then learn to love the rest later, right? While I'm young I should have passion and an amazing relationship. Its funny how I am constantly changing this list of what I want. I have lists from several years ago with my last boyfriend, and then with my fiance... I found this website that makes fun of that. It totally reminded me of myself. I think if I include all the things on that list now, I should be able to find someone who will last. haha..

I Got It Like That!

He always tells me the weirdest stuff... I knew that this new girl, "Winnie", was coming over to his house last night and I didn't care. We had some quality time and it was all good. I'm not threatened by her anymore at all.

So just now he calls and tells me that she stayed over until 3:00am and as much as she tried to turn him on, he couldn't perform. Hahahahahaha.... oh, this is just fantastic... the best laugh I've had all day. So... he tells me that I am the only one who can turn him on from across the room every time... even when I called him from the corner of his block yesterday to help me get my car out of the snow! He said that just looking at me from his bedroom window turned him on.

I don't know what it is about knowing you can do that to someone... but it is fantastic! Ha!

So Smitten..

*Sighhhh*..... I am so incredibly smitten right now. I have butterflies!! Yesterday he and I talked for a long time about our feelings for each other and what we wanted as far as being together. I can't believe how one afternoon of talking, kissing, and staring at each other can make my feelings that much stronger. I feel so much better now that we really talked. He's crazy about me! ...just as crazy as I am about him and it feels so good. I got so much off my chest, too. I told him how he makes me insanely jealous with the other girls, but that if he wants to have a relationship with one of them then he should and I'll back off and respect that because he deserves to have a girlfriend. After all, I've been in a relationship the whole time he's known me and he's been the one who's single and wanted to be with me. So, it kinda makes sense. His response to that was... "I have a feeling if I start a relationship with this girl, its not going to be fair--I really care about her--but as soon as you're single I know I'm going to leave her to be with you." We also talked about how great we are together... how we absolutely love hanging out with each other, and neither one of us has ever met anyone who kisses better--which we both agreed is extremely important because kissing is a key factor. He told me I'm the coolest person he knows... which is funny because he's constantly picking on me for the dorky stuff I do and calling me lame.

I know I am in way too deep now but what can I do about it? I'm head over heels for him. I just want to scream it from the rooftops... I'm in love with my best friend!!!!

Lifting the Gloom

Its been so gloomy out the last 2 days. The grey skies make me feel like life is not real. Its weird. This afternoon I was starting to get into a slump. But then I sat and chatted with a girl at work and I began to feel better. I don't know if it was my meds finally kicking back in (after taking only 1/2 of what I should've on Sat. and none yesterday) or just the interaction with someone instead of moping by myself... but its always nice when the gloom begins to go away.

I think I am going to seek counseling for all this drama I'm putting myself through. I got the number of someone from a friend of mine. She seems to like the counselor she's seeing. As soon as I can get my new insurance card I'm making an appointment. Its probably much needed if I'm feeling like the only thing that can relieve my stress these days is to smoke pot by myself.

Mad Love

So much for chilling out for a while... for some reason I was a total rockstar this weekend. I spent all night Friday getting f*cked up with him...drinking and doing lines until 8 am. That's something I rarely ever do anymore. In fact, I scold all my friends for it when they do it. But I guess I just wanted to stay up with him and do whatever he wanted to do because I hadn't spent any time with him alone in 2 weeks. So, we did that and then went back to his house in the morning where we could finally have each other. We talked a lot in the morning and I stayed there in bed with him until 3:00pm. You don't realize its already afternoon when you don't come home till 8 in the morning! A talk had been long overdue for us, but it wasn't as serious as it should've been. Basically what we both admitted was that we want to be together, and if it was possible--I wasn't engaged, he wasn't trying to date people--then we could definitely see us being together. He also admitted that he really is in love with me. I didn't tell him I was...but I think its obvious. I think I'm in love... what else could make me act so crazy all the time?

Sunday was the Superbowl, and I usually don't drink a lot for that because I always have to work the next day. But he was there and FI had decided to go elsewhere for the game. So, when people started leaving our friend's house afterwards, he and I just kept drinking. We ended up passing out on the floor together. I woke up just in time to call in sick to work and go back to sleep. I stayed there most of the day with him... I called in sick to work because I had been an irresponsible drunk the night before... all so I could be with him again. I'm so out of control right now. I need to get ahold of myself.