Appreciating My Passion

So much for appreciating what I have... I've really been trying to focus a lot on art lately. Its the one true and constant passion I have and I've spent so little time on it over the years. So now I've made a goal to get a portfolio done and to do that I have to draw something every day (or almost every day). I'm excited about it and I'm happy that BF listens to me when I talk about it and want do nerdy art stuff. I thought I'd finally found someone who would appreciate my love for art, seeing how BF encourages me to "do what you love", suggested I think about becoming an art teacher, and took me to the art museum over the weekend. But then I started reflecting on the comments he makes about art. When we were at the museum he kept saying how he didn’t "respect" certain artists because it didn’t look like it took any talent to do what they did. He'd look at a painting and say, "like this, it looks like a third grader did it." I could understand what he was saying on some of them… you know, some of the more contemporary stuff where its just a circle on a blank white page or something like that… but its like, he didn’t get the purpose of it. He couldn't grasp that its art. It doesn't have to be perfect. Its about expression! There isn't supposed to be a right or wrong way to do it. You don't have to like it, but you should at least appreciate it as art to some extent.

Then yesterday when I told him I'd spent the last few hours doing a drawing with pastels he asked me what I drew and I’m like “a girl”. That's my answer almost everytime he asks me what I drew that day because that's what I like to draw, especially with my background in fashion design and interest love for fashion illustration. So he says, “that’s all you ever draw is women. Why don’t you draw something else? Like a lagoon or something?” Well, it really irritated me. Why does he have to question it? He's not an artist, so who is he to say anything? Most people I meet who don't make art are always amazed that I even do it. But here he is--my best friend--always criticizing. So once again I get another red flag in my mind...a voice saying, "he doesn't get it! He won't appreciate you. You should get out now!"

Why does it always have to be all or nothing in my mind? Can I be happy with him, even if we don't agree on everything and have all the same interests?

Artwork featured here is by Stina Persson and Pomme Chan.

Another Anthem to My Life

So I'm listening to my last.fm playlist on shuffle and this song comes on... and I thought to myself... this is the anthem...my anthem. I remember listening to this back in the day when I broke up with my first long term boyfriend. It always seems to apply. I get caught up in the fantasy of getting married and being someone's wife and lose myself completely... something I'm not going to let happen again. I'm hoping to break the cycle this time.

As I look at what I've done
The type of life that I've lived
How many things I pray the father will forgive
One situation involved a young man
He was the ocean and I was the sand
He stole my heart like a thief in the night
Dulled my senses blurred my sight
..............................
Torn and confused wasted and used
Reached the crossroad which path would I choose
Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For something to happen that just wasn't fated
..............................
Father you saved me and showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man's wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets deeper than oceans
My soul was weary but now it's replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished
I see him sometimes and the look in his eye
Is one of a man who's lost treasures untold
But my heart is gold I took back my soul
..............................
I used to love him but now I don't…


(These are bits and pieces of the song. To read complete lyrics click here.)

You Make Me Smile, Just for a While

I love Colbie Callait. Her songs just seem to put a smile on my face... kinda like BF. Some days he makes me want to just sit back and enjoy the simple things in life. I've been feeling a lot like I don't know how to appreciate what I have lately. I'm never satisfied with what's in front of me, always wanting what I don't have, and it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me that I'm not able to do that. But this weekend, he made me forget about that for a while. He took me downtown to the art museum, then we had dinner, and afterwards we went to see a band. Sunday we layed around all day laughing and being lazy and having lots of amazing sex. I swear we can't lay on the same couch together without it leading to that. Its not him either...I'm totally the instigator. Being near him just does that to me! It was really nice, though. He makes me happy. I wish I could focus on that more often, instead of anything that strikes me as a red flag.

Absence Makes the <3 Grow Fonder

Its true what they say... this week I purposely did not see BF. We talked briefly throughout the week, in the afternoons or just before I went to bed, but didn't see each other. Then yesterday I went over to his house for dinner. He seemed kind of down and distracted, but he was happy to see me. I sat on his lap and couldn't stop staring at him and wanting to kiss him. He said to me, "its so hard for me to hold back what I want to say." And I knew what he meant... he complimented me a lot..."you look cute. you look nice... ok, I'll stop." And I'm like, "why do you have to hold it back? I like compliments." I think he wanted to say he loves me. That would've been ok, too. But he didn't. Its ok. I already know it.

After dinner we watched TV for a while, messed around, and then he rubbed my back really good because it hurts from being on the computer so much. When it was time for me to go, I got in my car and drove away with a huge smile on my face and butterflies in my stomach.... that's what I had been missing. I knew he could do it to me, but he was getting on my nerves so much that I wasn't feeling it. I'm glad its back.

More About Work

You know, the funny thing about work is... I have been completely worthless for the last 3 weeks. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. I don't feel like working so instead I just do online stuff. I know I've been slacking with all my daily duties and what-not but I just don't really care. I've had moments of paranoia where I think, "Do they know I'm slacking so much? Are people complaining? Are they moving me into a different position so they can keep a closer eye on me? Are they doing it just so they can have me train someone to take my place and then they're going to fire me? Do they know I'm going to hate customer service and I'll end up quitting and then they'll be rid of me and all my laziness?" ...ok, so I get a little crazy with my 1 minute paranoid episodes. I know I need to get my stuff done, organize my desk area and my thoughts and create a handbook from which to train the new person when we get one. But I cannot focus on anything but my own little internet world... and they took the firewall down last week too, so now I can get on myspace on top of all the other sites!

Getting Promoted

So I'm supposed to be getting promoted at work next month. I don't really consider it a promotion because I'm not necessarily moving up, just into a different department. But I will be getting more money--a 10% increase--so that's all I'm really concerned about. To be honest, I think I'd rather move into a more involved Administrative Assistant role, maybe Executive Assistant rather than a customer service position. I hate our customers and I have no desire to be in customer service. But there are no other admin roles here, so what can I do? I have to go where the money is, considering I'm always flat broke and negative in my bank account. I think the bank closed my savings account because I never put anything in it, too.

In the meantime, I gave the managers a list of my duties and they are supposed to be hiring someone to take over my job as Receptionist/Administrative Assistant. But no one has come in for an interview. I don't even know if they have any leads. Now they're trying to split up my duties among the present miscellaneous admin staff we have so that the new person "won't see the list, get scared and run off". Is it that fricken hard? When they hired me, I didn't know my job would be so hard and such a pain in the ass, but I made it. Yes, I wish they would've trained me better, but do they really need to trick people? I hate how this company is run sometimes. They just seem to make their own rules and not think about anything else.

I wish I could just find a sponsor so I could quit my job and do what I really want with my life...whatever that is.

Doing Couples Stuff

I had a wonderful weekend with BF. Saturday we went to Six Flags! We weren't sure how the weather would behave. It actually started pouring while he was loading up the cooler with our lunch. But when got to the park it was great! The sun was out most of the day and we didn't get a drop of rain. We were supposed to meet up with my girlfriends who got us the tickets since her work rented out the park for the day. But we ended up spending most of the day on our own, just the 2 of us walking hand-in-hand like a couple of teenagers. We shared a funnel cake, he tricked me into conquering my fear of falling by leading me onto the Giant Drop and then laughed at me when they dropped us because I was breathing like a woman in lamaz class instead of screaming. Then we took a picture in one of those old fashioned photo booths., which he'd never done before. I found that surprising since I've done that every time I saw a photobooth on a date with a boy. Its the perfect momento! When the park closed, we sat on the back of his truck, ate the lunch we packed and drank a beer. We were exhausted!

Sunday we layed in bed all day together and then I cooked him dinner. It was the first meal I've cooked for him that I was actually proud of! I've made pizza before, or breakfast. But this was a real dinner: angel hair pasta in a garlic basil cream sauce, with zucchini, squash, chicken and shrimp in it which he questioned when he saw me making it but he ended up loving it! I was happy that I did so well.

Yesterday was great. I called in sick to work because I just didn't feel like getting out of bed and going! I know its not very responsible, especially when I'm out of sick days for the year already, but oh well. Work sucks, what more do they want from me? haha... so I slept in! It was a gorgeous day, too. So, when BF asked me if I wanted to go for a walk by the river I thought it was a splendid idea. We drove up to the river, then got out and walked along the paths holding hands and talking. It was SO nice. I had all these thoughts and images going through my head as we walked past couples with their kids I pictured us with kids, or I could see us walking along the river just like this when we were old and grey.

That's the thing about him... we have such a nice time just doing nothing together, we communicate well, we have chemistry, everything is great. But there's that stupid part of me that fights it. I look at this weekend and think... Ok that was great. But that's something I want when I am ready to settle down and just grow old with someone. I am SO not ready to settle down. I know my biological clock is ticking and I really am at a good age to get married and have kids. But I want to experience life, be wild and do fun things I've never done before! I don't want to spend my days being broke and planning dinner with someone. I want to be coming home from work, getting dolled up, then out on a date, or out on the town with friends. Then when I'm not doing that, I want to be at home by myself doing whatever I want... sleeping, painting, cleaning, reorganizing my cabinets, cuddling with my cats, listening to music in the dark, having my own little chick flick marathons while stuffing my face with Ben & Jerry's... whatever! Call me selfish, but I don't want my life to be determined by asking how things will effect "us" rather than "me" right now.

You're Smothering Me

I'm feeling smothered!! BF is so comfortable with me already because we’ve been friends for so long, so he’s all ready to jump into the relationship life and it feels like he’s almost forcing me into it. He expects that we’ll see each other every other day and talk every single day and then on Fridays he just assumes we’re doing something together. Last Friday I was PMSing so I just wanted to go home, be lazy and go to bed early, and he calls me in the afternoon and is like, “I’m on my way home from (wherever) and don’t feel like going home right now just to come back later, do you mind if I go chill at your house till you get home?” (I had given him the key so he could lock up one day when he slept over and he never gave it back! He asked me if I wanted it back and I said "yes"...but then he gave me a sad look and I was like, "well, it doesn't really matter. I guess it would be cool for you to have in case you want to surprise me again one day.") So in response to him asking to chill at my place till I get home, I’m like… "um, I was just planning on doing nothing tonight so you can go there if you want but I’m not going to be any fun tonight." I don’t know… I guess I’m just feeling irritated about it. The thing is, though, when I’m around him I’m happy. I like being around him. When he kisses me I get lightheaded and butterflies in my stomach and think to myself, “oh…I guess I did miss him.” Its when I’m not around him that my mind goes crazy and starts to feel smothered. Its really weird.

Dizzy Kisses & Sleepless Nights

BF is sort of driving me crazy with his desire to be around me all the time. I was the same way toward him for a while...always wanted to be with him, totally infatuated. But now I'm kind of thinking, "dude, let me breathe. I need my space. I like to just chill and be me during the week." So, when he called me yesterday to hang out I said sarcastically, "Omg, Its been 24 hours, hasn't it?! We have to see each other or we'll die! hahaha..." He knew I was joking so it was cool. But then when he got to my place he kissed me, and I was left standing there with my head tilted to the side, eyes closed for 30 seconds after he walked away, feeling lightheaded and dizzy as I smiled and said to him "oh... well, I guess I did miss you after all. Thats all it takes to remind me!" That feeling right there is the best feeling in the world. If only I could apply it to everything else I question about him... and "us".

Later, when I decided it was time for me to go to bed I said to him "are you staying over or going home?" He wanted to stay, so we went to bed thinking we were both actually tired for once on a weekday at 10:00. But then I was totally unable to sleep. I was tossing and turning. My body was buzzing with energy but my mind was telling me its sleepy and wanted to pass out. Its such an obnoxious feeling! I didn't want to wake him with my squirming so I went on the couch and curled up in a little ball, trying to relax. That didn't work. Finally I ate some cottage cheese--something my parents would make me do to fall asleep when I was little. That must've worked because some time after that I found myself waking up from sleep on the couch, so I went back into bed to sleep for good. I have a slight suspicion that I might have taken one too many pills yesterday afternoon when I took my daily dose. I couldn't remember if I'd taken them yet or not. So, perhaps that was the reason for my aggitation. But other than that I have no clue. Maybe it was just BFs presence that was aggitating. Who knows?

Balloons

"Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
Love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy.
They just promised it would be worth it."

I got it in an email forward today. It makes me think about how often I doubt things in life and how I don't seem to just enjoy what I have and live in the moment. I try. But in the back of my head I'm always wanting more. Why can't I ever just be happy with what I have?

Rude Awakening

Ugh... I hate being a girl sometimes! I woke up to the biggest mess. I got up and had this feeling, "uh oh...my monthly friend is in overkill mode! I slept too soundly last night." So, I went to the bathroom and this crimson mess is all over my PJ bottoms! I don't even understand how it made the pattern it did... what was I doing in my sleep? Yuck! I'm hoping that it only got on my PJs and not on the bed, since BF slept over last night and I can imagine that any guy would be thoroughly grossed out by any sign of female cycles left in the sheets. So, I take my clothes and throw them in the wash right away, but I totally forgot to check the bed. I'm crossing my fingers that its all good. Luckily he was sleeping like a baby, so he didn't notice me fumbling around trying to take care of my mess while I was getting ready for work.

He's so cute when he sleeps, with his pouty lips and long eyelashes. He looks so innocent.

Bloggers Block

Hmm... it seems for some reason I haven't had the urge to express my emotions lately. Usually I am so full of emo and confusion that I just have to get it out of me. Its not that life has been uneventful. I think I've just sort of been going with the flow. Well, that and the fact that I've discovered several new websites this week to waste my time on while I'm supposed to be working. I've become addicted to Kaboodle, where I made "friends" with a fellow blogger who led me to last.fm, FeedBurner, and a handful of other fun sites for tricking out my blogs. Then today I discovered that I can save my own feeds in my Google homepage and stay updated on all the blogs I want to read. Just what I need... more reasons to sit in front of the computer all day every day. I really am a nerd, aren't I?

Skipping Steps

Ok, last week he surprised me by coming straight to my house on his way back from STL. But then he never left! He's been staying with me for 9 days and I never even invited him to stay. I was so excited for him to stay overnight for the first time, I just wanted everything to be prefect. Then we went from 'first sleepover at my house' to live in boyfriend. Um...don't you think we skipped a few steps there? I'm a little freaked out by it. But I can't really complain because I'm really enjoying his company. We watch movies together and have lots of amazing sex and its nice to wake up next to him. He even surprised me with roses and dinner on April Fools day after tricking me into thinking he was on his way back to STL. He's been cooking dinner for me a lot. I love watching him in the kitchen. He's so cute the way he sings to himself while he's cooking and does a little dance while he's chopping veggies. I can picture him being a good husband and father, making dinners nightly for the family. He's just such a kind, compassionate, intelligent person.

Then why am I so hesitant to accept the feelings we have for each other? Last night we were laying in bed and I could tell he was waiting desperately to hear those 3 little words. I thought about it and although I try not to say them, I do feel them. So, I said it. I said, "I love you." and he instantly grabbed me by the back of the head, pressed his lips to mine and held the kiss for what seemed like forever. It was nice to know it meant so much. Even if it scares me that he is seemingly so infatuated with the thought of "us".